Inner turmoil still remains, though I do speak up a bit more now when something bothers me. Im learning to care harder for myself again. I didnt really care before. for about a yr. or actually since I was born. I have a good long vivid memory. shit end of the stick? Ive always cared about finding my soulmate. I think that if anyone can do it, its me. Ive dreamed of him since I was 6mnths old; impossible it seems to say that but I just all I can remember is a final kiss, the memory I had since I was a baby. It wasnt mine. It was borrowed from someone elses mind, how could a 6month old baby long for an unrecuited love. Ive always felt my emotions so strong. thats probably why I learned to keep them tight under riegns of porcelain perfection. noone knows when Im hurting. unless you look me straight in the eyes at a moment of ungaurded longing. I miss those fantasies I had. sad part is. its like the minute I met Rob, my fantasies were meshed with him. the blurred touches of my fantasy man became his touches. and everything he said I also remember, or knew was going to be said. looking into his eyes. I found a part of me. he fixed me in a way.........
17 days till boot camp.
so I quit working with Rev. I quit our mockery of a friendship as well. he just wanted me as a 'sex toy' stupid albanian bastard. he said i failed him. oh well. I do miss talking to him. he would always set me straight. till he just wanted sex. bum. say no and i become the enemy. oh well.
met amanda's oldest friend maybe...his name is yet again Rob.its strange. fucken goddamn Robs once you been Robbed you gotta stick with bob. or at least thats what it seems. she calls him RobbieZ so for no confusion sake, he is RZ
so amanda told us not to fuck. told me to back off. I had made no moves for him. we hit it off, like good friends, stayed up chit chatting in the same bed for the first 3 nights we new eachother. I liked him charismatically, he was a breath of fresh air. an innocent. a kind sweetheart. a good guy. a talkative friend. at some point I asked him if we could cuddle, and for him to just take it as it is ( I was drunk and wanted to get closer) no ideas, no funny business. well it was fun and relaxed and we continued right on talking.
then the next night he was kinda alot drunk and such and we were talking all emotional like, and the irony of the significance of me wiping his tear is that while I knew it was coming, but also I assumed so 'cause I had started tearing for what I was thinking of, so I wiped his as a distraction. but also as a sentiment. the next day was okay I ended up going home and then i was supposed to hang out with rob and amanda again that proceeding night, and well amanda had her own agenda, and well she cut me out of it for weed, well I was just mad, I had gone to the store that night and got chips because it seemed like all we ate at robs was chips, I was like nochos and cheese. but amanda got her way and I told them to have fun and to not worry.....but i did have a bad night that night, I had a bad fight with my mum and lil sister and went to sleep crying.
well amanda was astonished at the way RZ was willing to blow their plans off for me. she asked us to play truth or dare the next day, asked me how I felt of Robbie, and how he felt of me, it was mutual. I chose dare after that: she dared me to kiss him. Dared him to ask me out. he did, I thought it over for half a min, or so and then said yes, I just couldnt think to say know, I liked him and continued to want to get to know him.
well, then I found out he was a virgin at this party we went to a day or two later...I got drunk and such...fast. he got and such but not so much drunk. well later on I told him I wouldnt have sex for at least a yr. anda half....that night we had pretty good sex for a virgin, it lasted bout an hr and half. after I gave him Orrall pleasure. pun intended. see he was just nervouse about coming so i got condoms we havent really had sex since. Ive pleased him Orrally (pun again) and with my hand but no sex since, we coulda had some night before last...we were horny enough...but I had my period.....dang virgin....guess its a good thing....his parents like me...alot, well atleast his ma does. she wants me to stay behind out of navy and such...so anyway, Im dating RZ and I need to take it slow....I still have dreams of RWE but well serendipity can hold my patients, Im living in the innocent moments with Rubbie Z lol if in fact one day I meet RWE again well then but if in fact not then fate have its plan.
Rubbie Z is my kindest most honest boyfriend yet...he has no motive what-so-ever....tho he wants sex more now that I showed him what it was.. yikes damn sex. run. lol jkright now RZ has me, I love him, Im not in love with him , but I definitly smile a hole hell of a lot when Im around him.
Brittany's baby duck invaded my personal space at a 'hot tub' party.
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