not so wrong

So, this guy I have known for awhile, and let him get to know me, like personally, he just gets me. Like we just click in so many ways. I tried to push him away at first cause I was scared to let anyone get too close besides the given 3 people in my life that know everything. Then I tested just not thinking about it, that worked, I relaxed and didn't care cause what's the worst that could happen, I loose him? Well then we are just friends that talked about everything, and so when we took this next step I didn't think about it, I was just like shit I have been post-poning and at some points dissappearing from him, and he still accepts me. I mess up and we laugh it off, he is just a good friend, and we keep evolving.

So tonight when it rained, it poured, litterally lightning and hammers but all I could think about was cooling him down. And that at this point I don't want to loose him, but I don't want to get too too attached. Look at my predicament

I'm Enchanting.

I've tried to figure it out. Tried to put a finger on why people are drawn to me. I can't so as to save the soul of me. I just go somewhere and BAM, another persons life story. A lot of people divulge themselves to me, I can't say its a bad thing, for I love hearing a new tale. I love to hear life stories that are fun, quirky, sad, momentus, epic, or even just mundane. Quite frequently someone departs there knowledge on me shares there views and emparts wisdom. And I take each sentence with enthusiausm. And I dare say I am left richer for the experience.

Yet still dare it be me to wonder why total strangers approach, or even just long time friends,

If I had a quarter for everytime I heard the sentence ' I don't know why I'm telling you this?,' or my fave, 'I've never told this to anyone but,' I WOULD BE A MILLIONAIR......so As long as people are Drawn to me I'm Enchanting, though I don't know why....

fire and smoke

Breathing fire and exhaling smoke, its starts out small every couple of months I pick it up. I remember the smell. Reminisant for me. Heading back to my childhood, where my mind smells home. Smoke, old leather, and sawdust. Along with old pick-up truck and apple ochards all childhood smells. I was told smell is the strongest key to remembering. I may lose grip here but I bring myself back with a smell. I grew up with cats too, they have a smell....my dog when I first got him, smelt lovely. All smells, I use them to pull me back , so while I stand here and inhale I am now grounded. I remember who I am what I've been through and how I got here. To this moment, picking it up. A habit I mean, of course, I'm told it kills and all I can think is so does every second, humans are created to die, not that I want to but just to prove I won't tomorrow. Me and the camel were cool. Like that commercial from the 50's (JOE COOL). I stood there in the field with my dog and started a pebble rolling. I lit up, took a drag, and held (for a good measure) and now all I can say is that I did it not to be cool, oh no, noone will know, but moreso to ground me. I need a 'me-indulgence' , and so I figure what the hell. I won't be a chain but I could be a packer, every 2-3 days. Save the smell and all I wash thoroughly to diffuse it but I kind of want a bit of it to linger, its keeps my bearings.
I'm a smoker. Not hard core, but 2 packs a week will suffice.

blue starsg

you, you with your ice blue eyes, i awake to your ice cold stare. a deep long in your eyes. the color even snow white could match.holding your head high, teeth glimmering. even you can see my soul, you look past my failures, nay, not to glimpse them, you snuggle with me freely. you fake left start right and i tackle you. if only there were something to tell me youre not perfect, cause hell i know you are, for me at least. you drive me to work, you make me try, you look at me with encouragement and hope, you make me smile, a shit ass grin if i do say so. i wake to you cooing a sweet hum. and all i can say is you are my best friend. i love you. once you read that just think its about my baby boy my glacier my pup my sibe. i love him so much. i cant articulate. hee is the most non judgemental loving creature i have ever known. any dog owner would agree.

Nymphomaniac am I?

Dare i say this, oh i do. so here is my proclamation, i hear guys get good rapport all the time for going on fucking sprees if you will, and they only to be hi fived and labled experience, getting more promissory stares from cats on the prowl. but a girl if she likes to have some good sex everymore than once awhile shes defiled, labled a whore and just shy of a cruixifix

this so called friend

this friend that i have started hanging out with more by force than choice at first, now by pity, is obbsesive, ill, delussional, and aggravating at best of times. she is 8 years my senior and apparently lacks the ability i have to make friends. she threatens she obbsesses she toys, and none too cunningly. why might you ask do i continue to pollute my social arena with the like of her, 2 reasons. reason number one, she goes to a bar after work, that a guy that i could want to get to know working there, also its like they kinda treat you like family, once you hang out there, you are a part of it. esspecially if you go back every night cause your friend has an obbession and become a regular. reason 2 which i wont ever forget, the second night i went back with her the owner came up to me shook my hand, clapped me on the back and said i am so glad megan finally has a friend. poor woman. i am a woman of only 19 and even i am not that antisocial. i am getting very irrate by her now thiough, and her normmal aggitations bother me superbly now. i am trying to slowly make her unwind or be better at being social, or whatever, before i bail. but to no avail, she is like an old dog too far gone and fucked up. dont get me wrong she has her good moments but they under weigh the bad by far, she lost her sense of self somewhere and seems unable to change, dare i hope that not me in 8 years.

THE BEGINIG AS IT WERE (8-19-09)

to judge me by how i am first percieved would be a self incured limitation. for i am much more than what circumstance has divulged itself before your eyes. i constantly change grow and reestablish my persona to fit my situation, i might be stressed, tired overstimulated, distracted, meandering in thoughtj at my worst yet at my best i am a fun, happy, enthusiastic, outgoing, optimistic, chara

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