Clearly its been well over a year since I started this Blog, and it has also been a roky road since my last post, I have become an Alcoholic, I have had my heart broken, I have gone through a exorbenant amount of drugs, testing them all out....
Life has been no good to me, When I first wrote you this Blog, I was always 'in love' or on a hopeful journey to being loved, trying to find it through sex...hahahaha if only my mind could have forseen then that you dont find love on a matress or even when you search.
it finds you. when you least expect it to. it steals you away and then strands you. if soulmates do exist, my boyfriend (of right now, maybe longer) has a theory;
He says everyone is given several soulmates, its just a matter of finding common mutual ground with them, he says he is romantic, I'll have to wait and see. only romantic gesture is a forced purchase of protection, he offered I took.
You see I jump into things head first, I told my mum the reason Im moving to my bfs house alone in the middle of a strange state that is foriegn to me is because:
I trust Him
I can find a better life
I can get away
He will help me get life straight...yada yada yada
I didnt tell my mum I was dating him at first I told her he was a friend....
helping me out.....Im a chronic liar.
see since my heart was broken I figured I should do what any hurt person or creature does, take aimless revenge, I became self inflicting around march 14th 2010 till june 11th 2010 but was wishy washy ready to step in front of the next train.
I partied hard, got used worse, and wasnt dieing like I thought I would, would anyone put me out of my misery?
I soon found Robert again, he kept resurfacing why? I havent the fainticed....when partying I was oblivious to the fact I still liked him or at least I understood I did but it wasnt a 'sexy social statement' to be seen with him.
short story;
{WAVEY SCENE/FLASHBACK}
See I dated 'R' until Dec 12th 2009, why I dumped him I was a pothead, out to 'innocently party yet trash myself' cause I hated me.
well I met him around halloween weekend at a cowboy bar...he was my friends friend a random stranger to the effect that my best friend drew on his face with eyeliner, a lightning bolt...i felt the need to care for him, my reason for breaking up with him by dec. was a mere convo thanksgiving day of trophy wives and husband and the weed driven thoughts he was stalking me. I remember being so afraid getting out of my mums car and thinking is that him is that his car Im so afraid....a dark night a red car. driven by the fact that i was always high and more maliable my close people i listen to i take their words to heart or at least did.
I dumped him, also for the fact that someone said I wouldnt dump him before xmas, they said that I would use him for a gift. 12 days before I ex'd his ass. looking back with one broken heart of my own I no longer hope Im little miss transitional, not that I ever did. But no I pray I am quite the contrary. feeling hurt myself made me rue all the days I ever hurt anyone and wonder why I always jump in so fast, even now,
again with Rob, I have fears that there is some duty I have to fullfil and help him and then will be cast aside. before my heart got broken I knew exactly what to do.
Help whoever my 'transitional mission' was, out, and then leave by fading or quickly.but nicely.
then came the one I wished to keep, why I dont know, I guess seeing as though I cling to quickly anyway but noone gives me the chance to love untill J i didnt know how I would act when I loved too much. and got lost in it...I didnt know that id break.
I went crazy ya know?
So after him Ive been weary but you see I think Im getting close to R another chance and last attempt maybe...Im kinda distant in free loving spirit now I wont just give myself away now im overly guarded and not pretending im open....
pause im toooooo tired to finish this one now...wait.
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