Inner turmoil still remains, though I do speak up a bit more now when something bothers me. Im learning to care harder for myself again. I didnt really care before. for about a yr. or actually since I was born. I have a good long vivid memory. shit end of the stick? Ive always cared about finding my soulmate. I think that if anyone can do it, its me. Ive dreamed of him since I was 6mnths old; impossible it seems to say that but I just all I can remember is a final kiss, the memory I had since I was a baby. It wasnt mine. It was borrowed from someone elses mind, how could a 6month old baby long for an unrecuited love. Ive always felt my emotions so strong. thats probably why I learned to keep them tight under riegns of porcelain perfection. noone knows when Im hurting. unless you look me straight in the eyes at a moment of ungaurded longing. I miss those fantasies I had. sad part is. its like the minute I met Rob, my fantasies were meshed with him. the blurred touches of my fantasy man became his touches. and everything he said I also remember, or knew was going to be said. looking into his eyes. I found a part of me. he fixed me in a way.........
17 days till boot camp.
so I quit working with Rev. I quit our mockery of a friendship as well. he just wanted me as a 'sex toy' stupid albanian bastard. he said i failed him. oh well. I do miss talking to him. he would always set me straight. till he just wanted sex. bum. say no and i become the enemy. oh well.
met amanda's oldest friend maybe...his name is yet again Rob.its strange. fucken goddamn Robs once you been Robbed you gotta stick with bob. or at least thats what it seems. she calls him RobbieZ so for no confusion sake, he is RZ
so amanda told us not to fuck. told me to back off. I had made no moves for him. we hit it off, like good friends, stayed up chit chatting in the same bed for the first 3 nights we new eachother. I liked him charismatically, he was a breath of fresh air. an innocent. a kind sweetheart. a good guy. a talkative friend. at some point I asked him if we could cuddle, and for him to just take it as it is ( I was drunk and wanted to get closer) no ideas, no funny business. well it was fun and relaxed and we continued right on talking.
then the next night he was kinda alot drunk and such and we were talking all emotional like, and the irony of the significance of me wiping his tear is that while I knew it was coming, but also I assumed so 'cause I had started tearing for what I was thinking of, so I wiped his as a distraction. but also as a sentiment. the next day was okay I ended up going home and then i was supposed to hang out with rob and amanda again that proceeding night, and well amanda had her own agenda, and well she cut me out of it for weed, well I was just mad, I had gone to the store that night and got chips because it seemed like all we ate at robs was chips, I was like nochos and cheese. but amanda got her way and I told them to have fun and to not worry.....but i did have a bad night that night, I had a bad fight with my mum and lil sister and went to sleep crying.
well amanda was astonished at the way RZ was willing to blow their plans off for me. she asked us to play truth or dare the next day, asked me how I felt of Robbie, and how he felt of me, it was mutual. I chose dare after that: she dared me to kiss him. Dared him to ask me out. he did, I thought it over for half a min, or so and then said yes, I just couldnt think to say know, I liked him and continued to want to get to know him.
well, then I found out he was a virgin at this party we went to a day or two later...I got drunk and such...fast. he got and such but not so much drunk. well later on I told him I wouldnt have sex for at least a yr. anda half....that night we had pretty good sex for a virgin, it lasted bout an hr and half. after I gave him Orrall pleasure. pun intended. see he was just nervouse about coming so i got condoms we havent really had sex since. Ive pleased him Orrally (pun again) and with my hand but no sex since, we coulda had some night before last...we were horny enough...but I had my period.....dang virgin....guess its a good thing....his parents like me...alot, well atleast his ma does. she wants me to stay behind out of navy and such...so anyway, Im dating RZ and I need to take it slow....I still have dreams of RWE but well serendipity can hold my patients, Im living in the innocent moments with Rubbie Z lol if in fact one day I meet RWE again well then but if in fact not then fate have its plan.
Rubbie Z is my kindest most honest boyfriend yet...he has no motive what-so-ever....tho he wants sex more now that I showed him what it was.. yikes damn sex. run. lol jkright now RZ has me, I love him, Im not in love with him , but I definitly smile a hole hell of a lot when Im around him.
Brittany's baby duck invaded my personal space at a 'hot tub' party.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Patients
So Im in Va. My memories come in waves of slow motion, and all I see is him kissing my hand. *sigh* I work with Rev at Dunkin donuts. The thing is, well Rev is my best friend in a douche jerk kinda way, he drives me insane, I hate him...yet as you've readd in this blog I used to love him so great, haha fool. Anyway, he says he is finally over his ex, the one he dated right after me, and that he was in love with, she stepped on his heart apparently. Well, I thought I had convienced myself I was over him, way back when, and in a way I am. I just the other night, he pissed me off so bad, it made me cry, on my ride home. Then I started remembering shit. Lately he has been saying explicit stuff to me in text, like 'I got something for you to suck on' well I wrote back 'Tempting, Hmm I think I'll pass...I could wait to get laid in Ohio if I wanted sex lol u know...Im game for chillin and relaxing'
No response.
text to clarify:
The way I see it is Ive got amazing skillwhy use it when it will make you weak at your knees hehe. I dont knowbout ohio really...but I dont want just sex. I want
next text:
A friend too. Which Im willing to wait forever for. If I found some1 like that would be worth it.
Night Rev (;
next text; (cause he is european and misinterprets)
Just wana say; bet u didnt understand any of what I was sayin...kay later Rev Rev.
REFLECTION on that note:
I told myself that I found great sex with Rob, in ohio, even if thats all I can have. Look why screw up a good deal for something that wouldnt top it cause well after Robert I said the next relationship I have is my final one. Rob slipped through that loophole cause all we agreed on was just sex. though Ive falling in and out of love with him, he will not ever know from my lips, but the next man I date is my final I want to grow old with. and well I dont know Ive got my career to distract me a bit right now so Im not to worried bout it but I am, Rob barely texts me cuz I am making it more than it is but I want him. and yet with Rev bringing up old feelings in me I want to punch him, and hug him. stupid European!
None the less I understand Rob is busy, but I also know that when I left he looked out the door in shadow and watched me go...the night before he wanted me to get his name tattooed on me.
I just want more than I can have from anyone, the self torture is that, I wonder if while Im in VA is this just a test where he is letting me go...but Im crazy so...Its just since last year I lost my ability to separate love from sex. like I cant fuck some1 and enjoy it without that connection. even if its in my head, I need to be patient and see where me and Rob could go, but its not even that, I kinda know where that leads to a bed and sex, but if I hold on to him then it will stop me from grabbing someone else and getting hurt again. Rev, is too deep, I cant mess with him when I have aome kinda feelings for Rob, seeing as up until me Rob had said he wanted a good girl, now he just wants sex...hmmmmm....well I need to be patient and I shouldnt bring Rev into it seeing as if my feelings are this deep and while texting and talking in ohio I told him I loved him (in a friend manner) and he said he missed me and couldnt wait to see me.
then I clariefied as a friend and he said right yeah as a friend.
I know that my text the 1st one last night hurt him. but I didnt mean it to. I just meant Ive got a good deal with Rob if all Rev is offering is sex. but I dont think he is. but I dont know for sure. so Im in a huge pickle. Just sit back and focus on losing weight and memorizing navy stuff.
~TLove outtie
No response.
text to clarify:
The way I see it is Ive got amazing skillwhy use it when it will make you weak at your knees hehe. I dont knowbout ohio really...but I dont want just sex. I want
next text:
A friend too. Which Im willing to wait forever for. If I found some1 like that would be worth it.
Night Rev (;
next text; (cause he is european and misinterprets)
Just wana say; bet u didnt understand any of what I was sayin...kay later Rev Rev.
REFLECTION on that note:
I told myself that I found great sex with Rob, in ohio, even if thats all I can have. Look why screw up a good deal for something that wouldnt top it cause well after Robert I said the next relationship I have is my final one. Rob slipped through that loophole cause all we agreed on was just sex. though Ive falling in and out of love with him, he will not ever know from my lips, but the next man I date is my final I want to grow old with. and well I dont know Ive got my career to distract me a bit right now so Im not to worried bout it but I am, Rob barely texts me cuz I am making it more than it is but I want him. and yet with Rev bringing up old feelings in me I want to punch him, and hug him. stupid European!
None the less I understand Rob is busy, but I also know that when I left he looked out the door in shadow and watched me go...the night before he wanted me to get his name tattooed on me.
I just want more than I can have from anyone, the self torture is that, I wonder if while Im in VA is this just a test where he is letting me go...but Im crazy so...Its just since last year I lost my ability to separate love from sex. like I cant fuck some1 and enjoy it without that connection. even if its in my head, I need to be patient and see where me and Rob could go, but its not even that, I kinda know where that leads to a bed and sex, but if I hold on to him then it will stop me from grabbing someone else and getting hurt again. Rev, is too deep, I cant mess with him when I have aome kinda feelings for Rob, seeing as up until me Rob had said he wanted a good girl, now he just wants sex...hmmmmm....well I need to be patient and I shouldnt bring Rev into it seeing as if my feelings are this deep and while texting and talking in ohio I told him I loved him (in a friend manner) and he said he missed me and couldnt wait to see me.
then I clariefied as a friend and he said right yeah as a friend.
I know that my text the 1st one last night hurt him. but I didnt mean it to. I just meant Ive got a good deal with Rob if all Rev is offering is sex. but I dont think he is. but I dont know for sure. so Im in a huge pickle. Just sit back and focus on losing weight and memorizing navy stuff.
~TLove outtie
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Horrific Picklement
So back to september 25th 2010. and update to the present.
I met this nieghbor guy who pursued me at this bonfire, i was so long ago, I remember my nieghbor Crazy Patty; her opener to meeting you is 'hey Im patty and Im crazy' my evaluation she is crazy by choice not by stature. she chose insanity. I always befriend the craziest people.
well I went to a bonfire at her house got a bit drunk and well this guy that has a good story pursued me, tho I wanted fully what he was offering I resisted, well C.P.s husband said we should get in our panties, and well pattie was all for it, so i went along with it, and they got in there boxers and zipup hoodies....I kept trying to avoid him cause I was believed to be dating Robert (who put me on pause on sept. 2nd) I didnt get what pause was but i still thought I was dating him.) well I broke my first never that night, I cheated.
it got cold we were drunk and I went to the park with these people and was drunk and layed next to patty on the cement she got up, and went to the swing.
I followed in a mannor of avoiding this man politely, I sat on the swing and asked him to push me, told him really, well he used his pelvis. i kept bantering at him push normal. well at some point pattie changed positions and so did I. our stomachs on the swing..... hammered from the back lol pushed on the swing....so then I got up at some point remember pattie throwing me some 'liquid courage' as i drink it down, and then well i remember tripping, catching myself on on the swing pole. swong around it, he said sexy
then i was cold asked him for his sweater and he said no, so then a few more askings of sweater and I conceaded. I went and got in his sweater with him, leaned against him....at some point we started kissing, I didnt want to stop, we made it back to the bonfire and he couldnt get it up. so no sex outside near the bonfire, I was drawn to him, but we made it end there then I wanted it on the next friday didnt happen till saturday. and that night too he couldnt get it up he kept saying it will cost you as well as informing me that it would be at least an hr before penetration. weird to me but it didnt matter. oh and way back on the bonfire chairs that night
I said we should go somewhere, and he said respect. owch. i talked him past that...ended up in his bed....and then found out that I was fighting myself to stay away from him. since at first i didnt want to hurt him but then he kept doing shit like when I went to have sex with him he would cuddle keep me longer then any one night stand, well pattie was talking crazy in my ear and I had broke my second never was fucking a married man, broke that too, by paper he is still married! which doesnt matter cause now that im not near him i do crave him so badly yet, dont know if I can stay away. as long as I still have a choice, I say this now but god damn, there is just too much.
So I write this to eject it from my mind cause he is probably just another mark on my list it hurts to say that.
but in reality he has a wife, he has a family, he doesnt need me. i dont want to get in the way. I will battle this everyday Im away from him, when Im near him the world just dissappears and I say this meaning it for this time of being, cuase there will be others Im only 20. but the visions ive had since i was 3. wow, he mirrored them so good at what he did, every inch of my body wanted him wanted him to be all inside of me to cum inside of me to make me orgasm the same time he does. but I cant have it. self torturing, I feel alot for him. but I cant do it.
you see the irony of it is he wants me to get his initials tattooed on my back, the blue star, but I cant that would be too, well that would mark me and the ones that get marked always drift never get held.
my heart breaks everytime im not around him, and then to see him that night I left 10:34pm on the 5th of jan. 2011. I saw him the night before, we had good sex....I gave him amazing pleasure, and well he still kissed me after, and my leg popped and he grabbed me harder, but then to look in the mirror and see my makeup all fucked up, he had still kissed me. my head hurts so bad, right now, the worst migrain ever, i used to not get these ever. fuck.
to see him that night I left, a shadow in the doorway, standing there stoicly watching. asshole, why?
I just need him to lay on me let me lay on him or just really stick his dick in me, be frozen there for eternity, that would be great. I could just hold my breath and stay there forever.
Love does not mean sex to me, too much, lol I like it way too much. but I do believe in soulmates, Robert (cain) tried to Talk me out of the idea of soulmates said that 'everyone had like several soulmates and they had to figure out how compatable they were with them and make it work'
fuck several soulmates.
Ive always just believed in one suits me just fine, and I knew the minute I had touched him it was so. thats what I believed i would know when I found my soulmate by my memories from 7 centuries, that i am certain i lived through. i didnt know what he looked like, I just had a vague shape in my head, and knew id know by his touch on my body, and the way he could make me forget and remember.
well I got broken and didnt feel the touch with James and hadnt felt the touch with him but mentally loved him, Robert (cain) only reason I moved to ohio was to escape, he was my doorway. Sorry. now Rob, there are all these signs, the lighthouses at Roberts (cain) place, the writing Tori <3 Rob. on his hallway that I painted before I even met you Rob. My grandmas name being BarBara Marie Conard, she died when she was 63, my nieghbor being 63, named Barbara Marie Charles , BMC. you wont wish on stars, I have stars on my back. My soul is black, your favorite color. 7 being my unlucky number; the amount of stars on my back. my lucky numbers are 13, 33, 8, 18, 6, 90, 27, I-26 (if playing bingo), and 1890. your 13 yrs older then me, your 33 my birthday is better than yours which is 6-18, yours is 6-8, but all that is bull crap. because Robert (cain) says soulmates dont exist and I want you so bad I cant have you. Im stuck in a crazy predicament. and so torn as to just disappear, i said after mr.cain, the next one was the last one. and well i dont want to say that cause it would mean I would put my whole heart into wanting you, and well if I cant have you everyday, however you are then I dont want you.
this sucks, is it teen angst?
he kept asking me not to forget him, I do believe the tatoo was another ploy at that, but um I act like I can like its so easy to forget him and I dont think it is. Im dying inside again, he fixed me ya know. okay well Im going to stop blogging cause it hurts too much. my reality is well insane. he said one night with him was real...but while it did happen, I need to stop thinking bout it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I wont ever admit that i love him.
i asked him one night 'what were you waiting for?' he said 'on you crazy girl' i said 'how long were you waiting...outside?' and he said 'Forever' shock seeing as I had that dream when I was 9yrs old and it was happening. but i ignored it. and had fun with him.
Im periless, and crazy, and crave the unattainable I say that cuase I wont say in love again. Im not in love with him, I fall in and out....maybe One day I will stay in love with Someone......I want it to be him but dont think it will be....SIGH.
I met this nieghbor guy who pursued me at this bonfire, i was so long ago, I remember my nieghbor Crazy Patty; her opener to meeting you is 'hey Im patty and Im crazy' my evaluation she is crazy by choice not by stature. she chose insanity. I always befriend the craziest people.
well I went to a bonfire at her house got a bit drunk and well this guy that has a good story pursued me, tho I wanted fully what he was offering I resisted, well C.P.s husband said we should get in our panties, and well pattie was all for it, so i went along with it, and they got in there boxers and zipup hoodies....I kept trying to avoid him cause I was believed to be dating Robert (who put me on pause on sept. 2nd) I didnt get what pause was but i still thought I was dating him.) well I broke my first never that night, I cheated.
it got cold we were drunk and I went to the park with these people and was drunk and layed next to patty on the cement she got up, and went to the swing.
I followed in a mannor of avoiding this man politely, I sat on the swing and asked him to push me, told him really, well he used his pelvis. i kept bantering at him push normal. well at some point pattie changed positions and so did I. our stomachs on the swing..... hammered from the back lol pushed on the swing....so then I got up at some point remember pattie throwing me some 'liquid courage' as i drink it down, and then well i remember tripping, catching myself on on the swing pole. swong around it, he said sexy
then i was cold asked him for his sweater and he said no, so then a few more askings of sweater and I conceaded. I went and got in his sweater with him, leaned against him....at some point we started kissing, I didnt want to stop, we made it back to the bonfire and he couldnt get it up. so no sex outside near the bonfire, I was drawn to him, but we made it end there then I wanted it on the next friday didnt happen till saturday. and that night too he couldnt get it up he kept saying it will cost you as well as informing me that it would be at least an hr before penetration. weird to me but it didnt matter. oh and way back on the bonfire chairs that night
I said we should go somewhere, and he said respect. owch. i talked him past that...ended up in his bed....and then found out that I was fighting myself to stay away from him. since at first i didnt want to hurt him but then he kept doing shit like when I went to have sex with him he would cuddle keep me longer then any one night stand, well pattie was talking crazy in my ear and I had broke my second never was fucking a married man, broke that too, by paper he is still married! which doesnt matter cause now that im not near him i do crave him so badly yet, dont know if I can stay away. as long as I still have a choice, I say this now but god damn, there is just too much.
So I write this to eject it from my mind cause he is probably just another mark on my list it hurts to say that.
but in reality he has a wife, he has a family, he doesnt need me. i dont want to get in the way. I will battle this everyday Im away from him, when Im near him the world just dissappears and I say this meaning it for this time of being, cuase there will be others Im only 20. but the visions ive had since i was 3. wow, he mirrored them so good at what he did, every inch of my body wanted him wanted him to be all inside of me to cum inside of me to make me orgasm the same time he does. but I cant have it. self torturing, I feel alot for him. but I cant do it.
you see the irony of it is he wants me to get his initials tattooed on my back, the blue star, but I cant that would be too, well that would mark me and the ones that get marked always drift never get held.
my heart breaks everytime im not around him, and then to see him that night I left 10:34pm on the 5th of jan. 2011. I saw him the night before, we had good sex....I gave him amazing pleasure, and well he still kissed me after, and my leg popped and he grabbed me harder, but then to look in the mirror and see my makeup all fucked up, he had still kissed me. my head hurts so bad, right now, the worst migrain ever, i used to not get these ever. fuck.
to see him that night I left, a shadow in the doorway, standing there stoicly watching. asshole, why?
I just need him to lay on me let me lay on him or just really stick his dick in me, be frozen there for eternity, that would be great. I could just hold my breath and stay there forever.
Love does not mean sex to me, too much, lol I like it way too much. but I do believe in soulmates, Robert (cain) tried to Talk me out of the idea of soulmates said that 'everyone had like several soulmates and they had to figure out how compatable they were with them and make it work'
fuck several soulmates.
Ive always just believed in one suits me just fine, and I knew the minute I had touched him it was so. thats what I believed i would know when I found my soulmate by my memories from 7 centuries, that i am certain i lived through. i didnt know what he looked like, I just had a vague shape in my head, and knew id know by his touch on my body, and the way he could make me forget and remember.
well I got broken and didnt feel the touch with James and hadnt felt the touch with him but mentally loved him, Robert (cain) only reason I moved to ohio was to escape, he was my doorway. Sorry. now Rob, there are all these signs, the lighthouses at Roberts (cain) place, the writing Tori <3 Rob. on his hallway that I painted before I even met you Rob. My grandmas name being BarBara Marie Conard, she died when she was 63, my nieghbor being 63, named Barbara Marie Charles , BMC. you wont wish on stars, I have stars on my back. My soul is black, your favorite color. 7 being my unlucky number; the amount of stars on my back. my lucky numbers are 13, 33, 8, 18, 6, 90, 27, I-26 (if playing bingo), and 1890. your 13 yrs older then me, your 33 my birthday is better than yours which is 6-18, yours is 6-8, but all that is bull crap. because Robert (cain) says soulmates dont exist and I want you so bad I cant have you. Im stuck in a crazy predicament. and so torn as to just disappear, i said after mr.cain, the next one was the last one. and well i dont want to say that cause it would mean I would put my whole heart into wanting you, and well if I cant have you everyday, however you are then I dont want you.
this sucks, is it teen angst?
he kept asking me not to forget him, I do believe the tatoo was another ploy at that, but um I act like I can like its so easy to forget him and I dont think it is. Im dying inside again, he fixed me ya know. okay well Im going to stop blogging cause it hurts too much. my reality is well insane. he said one night with him was real...but while it did happen, I need to stop thinking bout it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I wont ever admit that i love him.
i asked him one night 'what were you waiting for?' he said 'on you crazy girl' i said 'how long were you waiting...outside?' and he said 'Forever' shock seeing as I had that dream when I was 9yrs old and it was happening. but i ignored it. and had fun with him.
Im periless, and crazy, and crave the unattainable I say that cuase I wont say in love again. Im not in love with him, I fall in and out....maybe One day I will stay in love with Someone......I want it to be him but dont think it will be....SIGH.
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