Horrific Picklement

So back to september 25th 2010. and update to the present.
I met this nieghbor guy who pursued me at this bonfire, i was so long ago, I remember my nieghbor Crazy Patty; her opener to meeting you is 'hey Im patty and Im crazy' my evaluation she is crazy by choice not by stature. she chose insanity. I always befriend the craziest people.
well I went to a bonfire at her house got a bit drunk and well this guy that has a good story pursued me, tho I wanted fully what he was offering I resisted, well C.P.s husband said we should get in our panties, and well pattie was all for it, so i went along with it, and they got in there boxers and zipup hoodies....I kept trying to avoid him cause I was believed to be dating Robert (who put me on pause on sept. 2nd) I didnt get what pause was but i still thought I was dating him.) well I broke my first never that night, I cheated.
it got cold we were drunk and I went to the park with these people and was drunk and layed next to patty on the cement she got up, and went to the swing.
I followed in a mannor of avoiding this man politely, I sat on the swing and asked him to push me, told him really, well he used his pelvis. i kept bantering at him push normal. well at some point pattie changed positions and so did I. our stomachs on the swing..... hammered from the back lol pushed on the swing....so then I got up at some point remember pattie throwing me some 'liquid courage' as i drink it down, and then well i remember tripping, catching myself on on the swing pole. swong around it, he said sexy
then i was cold asked him for his sweater and he said no, so then a few more askings of sweater and I conceaded. I went and got in his sweater with him, leaned against him....at some point we started kissing, I didnt want to stop, we made it back to the bonfire and he couldnt get it up. so no sex outside near the bonfire, I was drawn to him, but we made it end there then I wanted it on the next friday didnt happen till saturday. and that night too he couldnt get it up he kept saying it will cost you as well as informing me that it would be at least an hr before penetration. weird to me but it didnt matter. oh and way back on the bonfire chairs that night

I said we should go somewhere, and he said respect. owch. i talked him past that...ended up in his bed....and then found out that I was fighting myself to stay away from him. since at first i didnt want to hurt him but then he kept doing shit like when I went to have sex with him he would cuddle keep me longer then any one night stand, well pattie was talking crazy in my ear and I had broke my second never was fucking a married man, broke that too, by paper he is still married! which doesnt matter cause now that im not near him i do crave him so badly yet, dont know if I can stay away. as long as I still have a choice, I say this now but god damn, there is just too much.
So I write this to eject it from my mind cause he is probably just another mark on my list it hurts to say that.
but in reality he has a wife, he has a family, he doesnt need me. i dont want to get in the way. I will battle this everyday Im away from him, when Im near him the world just dissappears and I say this meaning it for this time of being, cuase there will be others Im only 20. but the visions ive had since i was 3. wow, he mirrored them so good at what he did, every inch of my body wanted him wanted him to be all inside of me to cum inside of me to make me orgasm the same time he does. but I cant have it. self torturing, I feel alot for him. but I cant do it.

you see the irony of it is he wants me to get his initials tattooed on my back, the blue star, but I cant that would be too, well that would mark me and the ones that get marked always drift never get held.

my heart breaks everytime im not around him, and then to see him that night I left 10:34pm on the 5th of jan. 2011. I saw him the night before, we had good sex....I gave him amazing pleasure, and well he still kissed me after, and my leg popped and he grabbed me harder, but then to look in the mirror and see my makeup all fucked up, he had still kissed me. my head hurts so bad, right now, the worst migrain ever, i used to not get these ever. fuck.
to see him that night I left, a shadow in the doorway, standing there stoicly watching. asshole, why?

I just need him to lay on me let me lay on him or just really stick his dick in me, be frozen there for eternity, that would be great. I could just hold my breath and stay there forever.

Love does not mean sex to me, too much, lol I like it way too much. but I do believe in soulmates, Robert (cain) tried to Talk me out of the idea of soulmates said that 'everyone had like several soulmates and they had to figure out how compatable they were with them and make it work'

fuck several soulmates.

Ive always just believed in one suits me just fine, and I knew the minute I had touched him it was so. thats what I believed i would know when I found my soulmate by my memories from 7 centuries, that i am certain i lived through. i didnt know what he looked like, I just had a vague shape in my head, and knew id know by his touch on my body, and the way he could make me forget and remember.

well I got broken and didnt feel the touch with James and hadnt felt the touch with him but mentally loved him, Robert (cain) only reason I moved to ohio was to escape, he was my doorway. Sorry. now Rob, there are all these signs, the lighthouses at Roberts (cain) place, the writing Tori <3 Rob. on his hallway that I painted before I even met you Rob. My grandmas name being BarBara Marie Conard, she died when she was 63, my nieghbor being 63, named Barbara Marie Charles , BMC. you wont wish on stars, I have stars on my back. My soul is black, your favorite color. 7 being my unlucky number; the amount of stars on my back. my lucky numbers are 13, 33, 8, 18, 6, 90, 27, I-26 (if playing bingo), and 1890. your 13 yrs older then me, your 33 my birthday is better than yours which is 6-18, yours is 6-8, but all that is bull crap. because Robert (cain) says soulmates dont exist and I want you so bad I cant have you. Im stuck in a crazy predicament. and so torn as to just disappear, i said after mr.cain, the next one was the last one. and well i dont want to say that cause it would mean I would put my whole heart into wanting you, and well if I cant have you everyday, however you are then I dont want you.

this sucks, is it teen angst?
he kept asking me not to forget him, I do believe the tatoo was another ploy at that, but um I act like I can like its so easy to forget him and I dont think it is. Im dying inside again, he fixed me ya know. okay well Im going to stop blogging cause it hurts too much. my reality is well insane. he said one night with him was real...but while it did happen, I need to stop thinking bout it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I wont ever admit that i love him.
i asked him one night 'what were you waiting for?' he said 'on you crazy girl' i said 'how long were you waiting...outside?' and he said 'Forever' shock seeing as I had that dream when I was 9yrs old and it was happening. but i ignored it. and had fun with him.

Im periless, and crazy, and crave the unattainable I say that cuase I wont say in love again. Im not in love with him, I fall in and out....maybe One day I will stay in love with Someone......I want it to be him but dont think it will be....SIGH.