delirium

So...
After finishing a book that someone dear told me to read and I fluffed it off for a long while,
I have decided that I am going to make an abrupt amount of changes in my life.
First off,
No negative vibes,
Second off,
Self gain in a manner of speaking, should I do it? Why do I always have thoughts unshared with any other person? Why do I feel incomplete,
And why do I miss you so much even when thinking lightly I wish I had just molded perfectly to your form like I do everyone else?
Why is it that when you stumble upon what you want and make the most ballsy move you've ever made in your life, everything seem to be catalysed to amazing happiness, and then the minute you think you finally can grasp it its all taken away and you now find yourself chasing a ghost talking to everyone afraid of what you might have had, and looking back to the very ignighter that you set out for the first time for your own personal gain and wished you could take it back? Funny thing is, my brain is so well advance and so very distinctive at pulling apart every miniscule detail to begin with that, I have found not a soul but one on my level and willing to share their mutual insight and intuition that it suks because I am now too afraid to go back and visit that love so deep that I feel its delirium set in for recourse on my sanity.
See I wish to go back all the way to the beging before I loved you and stop myself, give myself hesitation, tell myself don't jump, not this time, and all I an think is, well, the way my dual mind enables me to. I ant regret for that makes me who I am today, but certain cirumstances; did I really have to go through them?

Did I really need to delve into that scene and why can't I just eraase it all, then a part of me with envy and angst looks to the other variables that could perchance oincide and I see them all too clearly, I see this...

For right now I'm speaking of a specific love,
Not like any of the misguided harlet tales I have left on these pages before.

I see too many variations, like always, and normally they are all chess games to me, pawns moved here and there, but I want this so bad it keeps my ever waking mind from sleep.

Scenario 1
I stop right now fighting for the hope of love I've contained in myself for centuries. I let him be and move on seemlessly through a life that for me, would be like drinking a less than half glass full of vinager flavored wine, not what I want but I can bear it. For my soul won't be content with anything anyway.

Senario 2
stay friends with him, be on the brim of his life and just watch him be happy and could he be happy without me?

Scenario 3
Do what I'm best at and just move on, never forgetting but never showing it hurts. And basically run away.

Scenario 4
Fight caustically for what might be some self escalated delusion just because I think that while I am actually going crazy, I am holding onto some demented piee of false truth and vulgar hope.

So here's the story,
I have always clinged to certain facts, I see a piece of myself in everyone else, that's why I'm so forgiving. Cause I'm so very flawed and people should get automatic forgiveness for only they truly can judge themselves.

Well once again I'm stuck with this one dilema only this time I don't want it to end like all the others, I want to live happily ever after and am truly willing to fight for it. And will. I gave him the power which in fact while I know I shouldn't have, he knew I finally gave it up, he was far more advaned than I was and caught my dumb ass in a trap that now I don't even quite understand if it was of my own delusional making or if he is still actually playing.

I want to go and hide. To run away and not be any thee wiser. Just dull out but for some damn reason I'm drawn to him and uterly repulsed by all the dull air I've been surrounded, he was probably the only one up to par. And I blew it. Starting with that fateless day I sat on his lap and engaged. I was kinda self concious, for no reason, and now I'm in a beautiful mess of the worst kinda mind game. I only think about it when I'm truely alone, everything else comes natural, I'm good at distractions, but when I'm truly alone I wander mentally. Dare say I'm too self absorbed, I am. Funny how noone else sees that, I hide it well behind a deceptive mask of curiousity.

If he could only give me one last kiss and embrace, why was I so demanding? And yet at the same time so eager to change?
I hear true love can make you go crazy, I've been lusting after it for about 7 or so past lifes, and I do say I met my mark, but to know so profoundly and yet not be able to abtain it.

That's a heartbreaker. I'm not iffy on this at all I'm perfectly resolute and so I wish in my soul I could deny it, but substantially soulful I am unregrettable right and it scares me beause I already know my decision and now I am not sure of his.

He left me with love always,

Do I take it to heart?
Or just flake it off and move on?
He's the only person I read that was honest and so its driving me insane to think that my natural knack might have been off, like I do believe I'm crazy.

I am crazy. And all I an nightmare about is the fact that I won't ever have a happy life, its just not the life cut out for me, pure ecstacy can't compare to how much I wish someone would throw me in a loony bin and numb the knowledge I bear in my soul.

Dear fates,
How do I disappear if there is so muh to my destiny that shan't allow my mind to be weak and hurt myself nor bystanders, and why shall I ontinue to function in ease seemlessly fitting in when I want to rebel? And dissappear?

Why has fate saved me from so many possible tradgedies if I'm willing everyone in my presence to be safe why ant you take me? I would sacrifice myself to an unknowing force to save millions and yet I go crazy because I dare to not move on.
Damn if I was only fuked up or high I wouldn't have the patients to think this deep and write my delirium for my own past reference.

I wish to be commited or labotomized.
And yet I will act as thoughnothing is wrong and protect everyone I can from meaningless hazards til I naturally transpire.