"You shoulda just let the van crush me"
I say this to you James.
I've thought in between drunken lullabys and sad whispers about it.
Thought day, and night.
Thought while chasing some big dream and collapsing under salted waves.
I am trying to figure this all out, we were meant to be, supposed to be, used to be somehow.
But it all ceased with my life long dream on the 14th of march, when our lives so intertwined scraped and slid apart.
From the minute I layed eyes on you it was true, you weren't perfect, I felt the need to stay away from you.
For I thought that if anyone were to get hurt tragically losing their heart it would be you.
For I looked for eons for my soulmate, never finding him, but you, I thought I would hurt you and break your heart. And that's when I knew. I knew I had found you.
To see that my drive to keep from hurting you was so profound that I would let myself get hurt in lue of you, twas horriffic.
To say that I'm not afraid of anything is a falacy, for I'm afraid of the dark, silence, people, and being alone, but when I met you I forgot all of those and my one and only fear was losing you, not being able to smell you, not being able to feel you, not hearing your voice, not having you cross my mind. And yet I tried feebly to save what we had, to stop the rip that has torn, funny how when I gave you my heart its like if I could compare it to a wolf they mate once, for life, they find their one and if separated go crazy or die of agony. I think that's where I'm at, now that I have givin you my heart and you accepted it way back when I knew my life would end and begin with you. And I have felt this only for you.
Before I met you I would always have this feeling of of gravity I guess you could call it, no magnetism, like I was pulled in every inch of my body towards someone unknown my mind always cast to someone I couldn't see someone so close yet so far away. And yet I knew with every person I met if it wasn't them. And it wasn't.
But you when I touched your hand, the magnetism calmed it disappeared I was at peace, my mind stopped searching and I was in the eye of the hurricane calm. Life was easy and I gave up to you, I didn't want to hold any secrets I didn't want to lose you I wanted to prove that you could trust me. For I trusted unconditionally, I don't do that with anyone.
You asked if you could manipulate me, I didn't mind fully, utterly, and completely. I saw that we were unseperable. That once we started it would be epic. That I would die for you. And funny thing is, I'm so self sacrificial, in the sense that if someone that's with me wants someone else, I enable them to go, I even help them even though I could be happy and keep them, but knowing they wouldn't be happy would kill me.
So I help them. And then you, I thought I made you so happy, I thought that at the end of the day I completed you, I thought that I was finally allowed to be happy for you made me so happy that I didn't even worry that you weren't I just went along with it, I just saw that sine you made me so happy as long as I made you happy I would be able to keep you.
Funny how when you didn't want me anymore I died, I didn't know what to do or where to go. My heart was givin freely and once givin can't be taken back, weird I know but you and solely you have my heart you can take it whenever touch it love it feel it, always. James E.B. but others not in any of my days that remain.
You know why I fade out of peoples lives?! Everyones life that I touch falls in love with me and I stop them, I don't know why they do, but they do, and I see it. Id do anything for them, but let them hurt their heart on me. For if I don't completely love them they won't ever gain the knowledge that you have.
To say it super natural is absurd but its more about basic dynamics. Find out nonchalantly what someone wants and you obtain their trust their loyalty and honor. And I do that but not for personal gain, no just for personal enrichment it makes my life endeavor more full.
But you I figured sine all these strings I pulled on others worked they should with you, but they didn't. I was intriegued lost and in allure, swept away. All because of your ability to resist my swooning.
I compare a quote of twilight to us but by namesake their are two roads we can dance down,
James and Victoria
Or
Edward and Bella
Its like I could compare you to both, fierce like james and sinere like edward.
And I enduring and resiliant like victoria and selfless and stubborn like bella.
But I'm not even sure I know where to begin.
I've been frieghtened by you, by losing you, I can't help it, I need and want you but one when I was so sure now not so much I need to hold you need to have you but don't think I ever will. I keep seeing signs for us, when I finally think I moved on.....
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but now I know I never will. I wish that I could tell you my ignorant attempts to move on so futile, brad, and everyone. I got rid of brittany, you know lol
But not till after she broke my heart, slept with my ex just cause she could I don't dare think of him seriously, he was my distraction from you and well he did just that distract with all of his drama of cheating and guilt trips.
I felt you last time I tripped on e I felt you so close I wore your necklace that night before I knew id be tripping on e. It was 6pm and I was getting ready to go out, and our vase dropped the necklace falling out and I pictured when you put it on my neck, so I put it on. Then I went partying, saved that night by a guardian, I didn't get attacked I talked my way out of a dark lit parking lot and back to the house though he had already push me against a tree.I got home and was safe, eric came by a married man, a friend of courts and I was just like hey and he goes want this e. Then I tripped on e and sunk into my blanket after wanting you so bad. I closed my eyes alone and felt your kiss. Why the torment to open my eyes and your not there?
I still where my necklace from you. 4 days. And I can't bare to remove it this time. Held to the past mentally this is a physical manifestation.
Will I ever feel your touch the one that sets my soul at ease, probably not but I wish, hope, dream.
If only if only you could grasp me.
I miss and will miss you for eternity.
Summers end you might return. Can I have you? Please.
Love always, victoria
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