Sunday, January 23, 2011
Patients
So Im in Va. My memories come in waves of slow motion, and all I see is him kissing my hand. *sigh* I work with Rev at Dunkin donuts. The thing is, well Rev is my best friend in a douche jerk kinda way, he drives me insane, I hate him...yet as you've readd in this blog I used to love him so great, haha fool. Anyway, he says he is finally over his ex, the one he dated right after me, and that he was in love with, she stepped on his heart apparently. Well, I thought I had convienced myself I was over him, way back when, and in a way I am. I just the other night, he pissed me off so bad, it made me cry, on my ride home. Then I started remembering shit. Lately he has been saying explicit stuff to me in text, like 'I got something for you to suck on' well I wrote back 'Tempting, Hmm I think I'll pass...I could wait to get laid in Ohio if I wanted sex lol u know...Im game for chillin and relaxing'
No response.
text to clarify:
The way I see it is Ive got amazing skillwhy use it when it will make you weak at your knees hehe. I dont knowbout ohio really...but I dont want just sex. I want
next text:
A friend too. Which Im willing to wait forever for. If I found some1 like that would be worth it.
Night Rev (;
next text; (cause he is european and misinterprets)
Just wana say; bet u didnt understand any of what I was sayin...kay later Rev Rev.
REFLECTION on that note:
I told myself that I found great sex with Rob, in ohio, even if thats all I can have. Look why screw up a good deal for something that wouldnt top it cause well after Robert I said the next relationship I have is my final one. Rob slipped through that loophole cause all we agreed on was just sex. though Ive falling in and out of love with him, he will not ever know from my lips, but the next man I date is my final I want to grow old with. and well I dont know Ive got my career to distract me a bit right now so Im not to worried bout it but I am, Rob barely texts me cuz I am making it more than it is but I want him. and yet with Rev bringing up old feelings in me I want to punch him, and hug him. stupid European!
None the less I understand Rob is busy, but I also know that when I left he looked out the door in shadow and watched me go...the night before he wanted me to get his name tattooed on me.
I just want more than I can have from anyone, the self torture is that, I wonder if while Im in VA is this just a test where he is letting me go...but Im crazy so...Its just since last year I lost my ability to separate love from sex. like I cant fuck some1 and enjoy it without that connection. even if its in my head, I need to be patient and see where me and Rob could go, but its not even that, I kinda know where that leads to a bed and sex, but if I hold on to him then it will stop me from grabbing someone else and getting hurt again. Rev, is too deep, I cant mess with him when I have aome kinda feelings for Rob, seeing as up until me Rob had said he wanted a good girl, now he just wants sex...hmmmmm....well I need to be patient and I shouldnt bring Rev into it seeing as if my feelings are this deep and while texting and talking in ohio I told him I loved him (in a friend manner) and he said he missed me and couldnt wait to see me.
then I clariefied as a friend and he said right yeah as a friend.
I know that my text the 1st one last night hurt him. but I didnt mean it to. I just meant Ive got a good deal with Rob if all Rev is offering is sex. but I dont think he is. but I dont know for sure. so Im in a huge pickle. Just sit back and focus on losing weight and memorizing navy stuff.
~TLove outtie
No response.
text to clarify:
The way I see it is Ive got amazing skillwhy use it when it will make you weak at your knees hehe. I dont knowbout ohio really...but I dont want just sex. I want
next text:
A friend too. Which Im willing to wait forever for. If I found some1 like that would be worth it.
Night Rev (;
next text; (cause he is european and misinterprets)
Just wana say; bet u didnt understand any of what I was sayin...kay later Rev Rev.
REFLECTION on that note:
I told myself that I found great sex with Rob, in ohio, even if thats all I can have. Look why screw up a good deal for something that wouldnt top it cause well after Robert I said the next relationship I have is my final one. Rob slipped through that loophole cause all we agreed on was just sex. though Ive falling in and out of love with him, he will not ever know from my lips, but the next man I date is my final I want to grow old with. and well I dont know Ive got my career to distract me a bit right now so Im not to worried bout it but I am, Rob barely texts me cuz I am making it more than it is but I want him. and yet with Rev bringing up old feelings in me I want to punch him, and hug him. stupid European!
None the less I understand Rob is busy, but I also know that when I left he looked out the door in shadow and watched me go...the night before he wanted me to get his name tattooed on me.
I just want more than I can have from anyone, the self torture is that, I wonder if while Im in VA is this just a test where he is letting me go...but Im crazy so...Its just since last year I lost my ability to separate love from sex. like I cant fuck some1 and enjoy it without that connection. even if its in my head, I need to be patient and see where me and Rob could go, but its not even that, I kinda know where that leads to a bed and sex, but if I hold on to him then it will stop me from grabbing someone else and getting hurt again. Rev, is too deep, I cant mess with him when I have aome kinda feelings for Rob, seeing as up until me Rob had said he wanted a good girl, now he just wants sex...hmmmmm....well I need to be patient and I shouldnt bring Rev into it seeing as if my feelings are this deep and while texting and talking in ohio I told him I loved him (in a friend manner) and he said he missed me and couldnt wait to see me.
then I clariefied as a friend and he said right yeah as a friend.
I know that my text the 1st one last night hurt him. but I didnt mean it to. I just meant Ive got a good deal with Rob if all Rev is offering is sex. but I dont think he is. but I dont know for sure. so Im in a huge pickle. Just sit back and focus on losing weight and memorizing navy stuff.
~TLove outtie
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Horrific Picklement
So back to september 25th 2010. and update to the present.
I met this nieghbor guy who pursued me at this bonfire, i was so long ago, I remember my nieghbor Crazy Patty; her opener to meeting you is 'hey Im patty and Im crazy' my evaluation she is crazy by choice not by stature. she chose insanity. I always befriend the craziest people.
well I went to a bonfire at her house got a bit drunk and well this guy that has a good story pursued me, tho I wanted fully what he was offering I resisted, well C.P.s husband said we should get in our panties, and well pattie was all for it, so i went along with it, and they got in there boxers and zipup hoodies....I kept trying to avoid him cause I was believed to be dating Robert (who put me on pause on sept. 2nd) I didnt get what pause was but i still thought I was dating him.) well I broke my first never that night, I cheated.
it got cold we were drunk and I went to the park with these people and was drunk and layed next to patty on the cement she got up, and went to the swing.
I followed in a mannor of avoiding this man politely, I sat on the swing and asked him to push me, told him really, well he used his pelvis. i kept bantering at him push normal. well at some point pattie changed positions and so did I. our stomachs on the swing..... hammered from the back lol pushed on the swing....so then I got up at some point remember pattie throwing me some 'liquid courage' as i drink it down, and then well i remember tripping, catching myself on on the swing pole. swong around it, he said sexy
then i was cold asked him for his sweater and he said no, so then a few more askings of sweater and I conceaded. I went and got in his sweater with him, leaned against him....at some point we started kissing, I didnt want to stop, we made it back to the bonfire and he couldnt get it up. so no sex outside near the bonfire, I was drawn to him, but we made it end there then I wanted it on the next friday didnt happen till saturday. and that night too he couldnt get it up he kept saying it will cost you as well as informing me that it would be at least an hr before penetration. weird to me but it didnt matter. oh and way back on the bonfire chairs that night
I said we should go somewhere, and he said respect. owch. i talked him past that...ended up in his bed....and then found out that I was fighting myself to stay away from him. since at first i didnt want to hurt him but then he kept doing shit like when I went to have sex with him he would cuddle keep me longer then any one night stand, well pattie was talking crazy in my ear and I had broke my second never was fucking a married man, broke that too, by paper he is still married! which doesnt matter cause now that im not near him i do crave him so badly yet, dont know if I can stay away. as long as I still have a choice, I say this now but god damn, there is just too much.
So I write this to eject it from my mind cause he is probably just another mark on my list it hurts to say that.
but in reality he has a wife, he has a family, he doesnt need me. i dont want to get in the way. I will battle this everyday Im away from him, when Im near him the world just dissappears and I say this meaning it for this time of being, cuase there will be others Im only 20. but the visions ive had since i was 3. wow, he mirrored them so good at what he did, every inch of my body wanted him wanted him to be all inside of me to cum inside of me to make me orgasm the same time he does. but I cant have it. self torturing, I feel alot for him. but I cant do it.
you see the irony of it is he wants me to get his initials tattooed on my back, the blue star, but I cant that would be too, well that would mark me and the ones that get marked always drift never get held.
my heart breaks everytime im not around him, and then to see him that night I left 10:34pm on the 5th of jan. 2011. I saw him the night before, we had good sex....I gave him amazing pleasure, and well he still kissed me after, and my leg popped and he grabbed me harder, but then to look in the mirror and see my makeup all fucked up, he had still kissed me. my head hurts so bad, right now, the worst migrain ever, i used to not get these ever. fuck.
to see him that night I left, a shadow in the doorway, standing there stoicly watching. asshole, why?
I just need him to lay on me let me lay on him or just really stick his dick in me, be frozen there for eternity, that would be great. I could just hold my breath and stay there forever.
Love does not mean sex to me, too much, lol I like it way too much. but I do believe in soulmates, Robert (cain) tried to Talk me out of the idea of soulmates said that 'everyone had like several soulmates and they had to figure out how compatable they were with them and make it work'
fuck several soulmates.
Ive always just believed in one suits me just fine, and I knew the minute I had touched him it was so. thats what I believed i would know when I found my soulmate by my memories from 7 centuries, that i am certain i lived through. i didnt know what he looked like, I just had a vague shape in my head, and knew id know by his touch on my body, and the way he could make me forget and remember.
well I got broken and didnt feel the touch with James and hadnt felt the touch with him but mentally loved him, Robert (cain) only reason I moved to ohio was to escape, he was my doorway. Sorry. now Rob, there are all these signs, the lighthouses at Roberts (cain) place, the writing Tori <3 Rob. on his hallway that I painted before I even met you Rob. My grandmas name being BarBara Marie Conard, she died when she was 63, my nieghbor being 63, named Barbara Marie Charles , BMC. you wont wish on stars, I have stars on my back. My soul is black, your favorite color. 7 being my unlucky number; the amount of stars on my back. my lucky numbers are 13, 33, 8, 18, 6, 90, 27, I-26 (if playing bingo), and 1890. your 13 yrs older then me, your 33 my birthday is better than yours which is 6-18, yours is 6-8, but all that is bull crap. because Robert (cain) says soulmates dont exist and I want you so bad I cant have you. Im stuck in a crazy predicament. and so torn as to just disappear, i said after mr.cain, the next one was the last one. and well i dont want to say that cause it would mean I would put my whole heart into wanting you, and well if I cant have you everyday, however you are then I dont want you.
this sucks, is it teen angst?
he kept asking me not to forget him, I do believe the tatoo was another ploy at that, but um I act like I can like its so easy to forget him and I dont think it is. Im dying inside again, he fixed me ya know. okay well Im going to stop blogging cause it hurts too much. my reality is well insane. he said one night with him was real...but while it did happen, I need to stop thinking bout it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I wont ever admit that i love him.
i asked him one night 'what were you waiting for?' he said 'on you crazy girl' i said 'how long were you waiting...outside?' and he said 'Forever' shock seeing as I had that dream when I was 9yrs old and it was happening. but i ignored it. and had fun with him.
Im periless, and crazy, and crave the unattainable I say that cuase I wont say in love again. Im not in love with him, I fall in and out....maybe One day I will stay in love with Someone......I want it to be him but dont think it will be....SIGH.
I met this nieghbor guy who pursued me at this bonfire, i was so long ago, I remember my nieghbor Crazy Patty; her opener to meeting you is 'hey Im patty and Im crazy' my evaluation she is crazy by choice not by stature. she chose insanity. I always befriend the craziest people.
well I went to a bonfire at her house got a bit drunk and well this guy that has a good story pursued me, tho I wanted fully what he was offering I resisted, well C.P.s husband said we should get in our panties, and well pattie was all for it, so i went along with it, and they got in there boxers and zipup hoodies....I kept trying to avoid him cause I was believed to be dating Robert (who put me on pause on sept. 2nd) I didnt get what pause was but i still thought I was dating him.) well I broke my first never that night, I cheated.
it got cold we were drunk and I went to the park with these people and was drunk and layed next to patty on the cement she got up, and went to the swing.
I followed in a mannor of avoiding this man politely, I sat on the swing and asked him to push me, told him really, well he used his pelvis. i kept bantering at him push normal. well at some point pattie changed positions and so did I. our stomachs on the swing..... hammered from the back lol pushed on the swing....so then I got up at some point remember pattie throwing me some 'liquid courage' as i drink it down, and then well i remember tripping, catching myself on on the swing pole. swong around it, he said sexy
then i was cold asked him for his sweater and he said no, so then a few more askings of sweater and I conceaded. I went and got in his sweater with him, leaned against him....at some point we started kissing, I didnt want to stop, we made it back to the bonfire and he couldnt get it up. so no sex outside near the bonfire, I was drawn to him, but we made it end there then I wanted it on the next friday didnt happen till saturday. and that night too he couldnt get it up he kept saying it will cost you as well as informing me that it would be at least an hr before penetration. weird to me but it didnt matter. oh and way back on the bonfire chairs that night
I said we should go somewhere, and he said respect. owch. i talked him past that...ended up in his bed....and then found out that I was fighting myself to stay away from him. since at first i didnt want to hurt him but then he kept doing shit like when I went to have sex with him he would cuddle keep me longer then any one night stand, well pattie was talking crazy in my ear and I had broke my second never was fucking a married man, broke that too, by paper he is still married! which doesnt matter cause now that im not near him i do crave him so badly yet, dont know if I can stay away. as long as I still have a choice, I say this now but god damn, there is just too much.
So I write this to eject it from my mind cause he is probably just another mark on my list it hurts to say that.
but in reality he has a wife, he has a family, he doesnt need me. i dont want to get in the way. I will battle this everyday Im away from him, when Im near him the world just dissappears and I say this meaning it for this time of being, cuase there will be others Im only 20. but the visions ive had since i was 3. wow, he mirrored them so good at what he did, every inch of my body wanted him wanted him to be all inside of me to cum inside of me to make me orgasm the same time he does. but I cant have it. self torturing, I feel alot for him. but I cant do it.
you see the irony of it is he wants me to get his initials tattooed on my back, the blue star, but I cant that would be too, well that would mark me and the ones that get marked always drift never get held.
my heart breaks everytime im not around him, and then to see him that night I left 10:34pm on the 5th of jan. 2011. I saw him the night before, we had good sex....I gave him amazing pleasure, and well he still kissed me after, and my leg popped and he grabbed me harder, but then to look in the mirror and see my makeup all fucked up, he had still kissed me. my head hurts so bad, right now, the worst migrain ever, i used to not get these ever. fuck.
to see him that night I left, a shadow in the doorway, standing there stoicly watching. asshole, why?
I just need him to lay on me let me lay on him or just really stick his dick in me, be frozen there for eternity, that would be great. I could just hold my breath and stay there forever.
Love does not mean sex to me, too much, lol I like it way too much. but I do believe in soulmates, Robert (cain) tried to Talk me out of the idea of soulmates said that 'everyone had like several soulmates and they had to figure out how compatable they were with them and make it work'
fuck several soulmates.
Ive always just believed in one suits me just fine, and I knew the minute I had touched him it was so. thats what I believed i would know when I found my soulmate by my memories from 7 centuries, that i am certain i lived through. i didnt know what he looked like, I just had a vague shape in my head, and knew id know by his touch on my body, and the way he could make me forget and remember.
well I got broken and didnt feel the touch with James and hadnt felt the touch with him but mentally loved him, Robert (cain) only reason I moved to ohio was to escape, he was my doorway. Sorry. now Rob, there are all these signs, the lighthouses at Roberts (cain) place, the writing Tori <3 Rob. on his hallway that I painted before I even met you Rob. My grandmas name being BarBara Marie Conard, she died when she was 63, my nieghbor being 63, named Barbara Marie Charles , BMC. you wont wish on stars, I have stars on my back. My soul is black, your favorite color. 7 being my unlucky number; the amount of stars on my back. my lucky numbers are 13, 33, 8, 18, 6, 90, 27, I-26 (if playing bingo), and 1890. your 13 yrs older then me, your 33 my birthday is better than yours which is 6-18, yours is 6-8, but all that is bull crap. because Robert (cain) says soulmates dont exist and I want you so bad I cant have you. Im stuck in a crazy predicament. and so torn as to just disappear, i said after mr.cain, the next one was the last one. and well i dont want to say that cause it would mean I would put my whole heart into wanting you, and well if I cant have you everyday, however you are then I dont want you.
this sucks, is it teen angst?
he kept asking me not to forget him, I do believe the tatoo was another ploy at that, but um I act like I can like its so easy to forget him and I dont think it is. Im dying inside again, he fixed me ya know. okay well Im going to stop blogging cause it hurts too much. my reality is well insane. he said one night with him was real...but while it did happen, I need to stop thinking bout it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I wont ever admit that i love him.
i asked him one night 'what were you waiting for?' he said 'on you crazy girl' i said 'how long were you waiting...outside?' and he said 'Forever' shock seeing as I had that dream when I was 9yrs old and it was happening. but i ignored it. and had fun with him.
Im periless, and crazy, and crave the unattainable I say that cuase I wont say in love again. Im not in love with him, I fall in and out....maybe One day I will stay in love with Someone......I want it to be him but dont think it will be....SIGH.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
TRANSITIONAL GIRL
So I am Dating R again, the guy from last fall to mid dec. well he says he loves me...he said Ill be his trophy wife. he said alot.
I moved to his house in ohio and only brought a big black suitcase full of clothes, my 2 cats and 3 purses...
HE doesnt pay me for all I do but I moved here July 25th, 2010.
He left around Aug 5th since then I have Accomplished alot, I am restoring his bum ass house back to its prime.
R may be cheating on me in Va with one of his ship mates, he doesnt call nor text anymore.
he told me to email...doesnt say i love you anymore. I dont care. he makes me mad.
Im also having an affair with a friend of the same namesake.
Im gonna call him WR
this man is amazing he is a gemini and can satisfy me in so many ways.
he is married (said i wouldnt be a homewrecker...wait read on)
His wife is estranged and living with a mexican she is prego by.
He does exactly what ive always imagined in fantasies.
he is pretty fantastic.
He said he could fix me, its a shame i wont let him.
He said no attachments, and yet he is getting attached. blah
he has 3 kids and is 33.
13 yrs my senior.
2 kids live with him and are from his marraige
1 is 10yrs old, the other 14.
they live with him and he is an amazing dad.
the other kid is 16, she lives with her mother.
I told him i was a transitional girl.
he asked me why?
I said cause i fix people and then leave.
IM NOT DONE WITH THIS BLOG
I moved to his house in ohio and only brought a big black suitcase full of clothes, my 2 cats and 3 purses...
HE doesnt pay me for all I do but I moved here July 25th, 2010.
He left around Aug 5th since then I have Accomplished alot, I am restoring his bum ass house back to its prime.
R may be cheating on me in Va with one of his ship mates, he doesnt call nor text anymore.
he told me to email...doesnt say i love you anymore. I dont care. he makes me mad.
Im also having an affair with a friend of the same namesake.
Im gonna call him WR
this man is amazing he is a gemini and can satisfy me in so many ways.
he is married (said i wouldnt be a homewrecker...wait read on)
His wife is estranged and living with a mexican she is prego by.
He does exactly what ive always imagined in fantasies.
he is pretty fantastic.
He said he could fix me, its a shame i wont let him.
He said no attachments, and yet he is getting attached. blah
he has 3 kids and is 33.
13 yrs my senior.
2 kids live with him and are from his marraige
1 is 10yrs old, the other 14.
they live with him and he is an amazing dad.
the other kid is 16, she lives with her mother.
I told him i was a transitional girl.
he asked me why?
I said cause i fix people and then leave.
IM NOT DONE WITH THIS BLOG
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Re-Evaluation of Myself
Clearly its been well over a year since I started this Blog, and it has also been a roky road since my last post, I have become an Alcoholic, I have had my heart broken, I have gone through a exorbenant amount of drugs, testing them all out....
Life has been no good to me, When I first wrote you this Blog, I was always 'in love' or on a hopeful journey to being loved, trying to find it through sex...hahahaha if only my mind could have forseen then that you dont find love on a matress or even when you search.
it finds you. when you least expect it to. it steals you away and then strands you. if soulmates do exist, my boyfriend (of right now, maybe longer) has a theory;
He says everyone is given several soulmates, its just a matter of finding common mutual ground with them, he says he is romantic, I'll have to wait and see. only romantic gesture is a forced purchase of protection, he offered I took.
You see I jump into things head first, I told my mum the reason Im moving to my bfs house alone in the middle of a strange state that is foriegn to me is because:
I trust Him
I can find a better life
I can get away
He will help me get life straight...yada yada yada
I didnt tell my mum I was dating him at first I told her he was a friend....
helping me out.....Im a chronic liar.
see since my heart was broken I figured I should do what any hurt person or creature does, take aimless revenge, I became self inflicting around march 14th 2010 till june 11th 2010 but was wishy washy ready to step in front of the next train.
I partied hard, got used worse, and wasnt dieing like I thought I would, would anyone put me out of my misery?
I soon found Robert again, he kept resurfacing why? I havent the fainticed....when partying I was oblivious to the fact I still liked him or at least I understood I did but it wasnt a 'sexy social statement' to be seen with him.
short story;
{WAVEY SCENE/FLASHBACK}
See I dated 'R' until Dec 12th 2009, why I dumped him I was a pothead, out to 'innocently party yet trash myself' cause I hated me.
well I met him around halloween weekend at a cowboy bar...he was my friends friend a random stranger to the effect that my best friend drew on his face with eyeliner, a lightning bolt...i felt the need to care for him, my reason for breaking up with him by dec. was a mere convo thanksgiving day of trophy wives and husband and the weed driven thoughts he was stalking me. I remember being so afraid getting out of my mums car and thinking is that him is that his car Im so afraid....a dark night a red car. driven by the fact that i was always high and more maliable my close people i listen to i take their words to heart or at least did.
I dumped him, also for the fact that someone said I wouldnt dump him before xmas, they said that I would use him for a gift. 12 days before I ex'd his ass. looking back with one broken heart of my own I no longer hope Im little miss transitional, not that I ever did. But no I pray I am quite the contrary. feeling hurt myself made me rue all the days I ever hurt anyone and wonder why I always jump in so fast, even now,
again with Rob, I have fears that there is some duty I have to fullfil and help him and then will be cast aside. before my heart got broken I knew exactly what to do.
Help whoever my 'transitional mission' was, out, and then leave by fading or quickly.but nicely.
then came the one I wished to keep, why I dont know, I guess seeing as though I cling to quickly anyway but noone gives me the chance to love untill J i didnt know how I would act when I loved too much. and got lost in it...I didnt know that id break.
I went crazy ya know?
So after him Ive been weary but you see I think Im getting close to R another chance and last attempt maybe...Im kinda distant in free loving spirit now I wont just give myself away now im overly guarded and not pretending im open....
pause im toooooo tired to finish this one now...wait.
Life has been no good to me, When I first wrote you this Blog, I was always 'in love' or on a hopeful journey to being loved, trying to find it through sex...hahahaha if only my mind could have forseen then that you dont find love on a matress or even when you search.
it finds you. when you least expect it to. it steals you away and then strands you. if soulmates do exist, my boyfriend (of right now, maybe longer) has a theory;
He says everyone is given several soulmates, its just a matter of finding common mutual ground with them, he says he is romantic, I'll have to wait and see. only romantic gesture is a forced purchase of protection, he offered I took.
You see I jump into things head first, I told my mum the reason Im moving to my bfs house alone in the middle of a strange state that is foriegn to me is because:
I trust Him
I can find a better life
I can get away
He will help me get life straight...yada yada yada
I didnt tell my mum I was dating him at first I told her he was a friend....
helping me out.....Im a chronic liar.
see since my heart was broken I figured I should do what any hurt person or creature does, take aimless revenge, I became self inflicting around march 14th 2010 till june 11th 2010 but was wishy washy ready to step in front of the next train.
I partied hard, got used worse, and wasnt dieing like I thought I would, would anyone put me out of my misery?
I soon found Robert again, he kept resurfacing why? I havent the fainticed....when partying I was oblivious to the fact I still liked him or at least I understood I did but it wasnt a 'sexy social statement' to be seen with him.
short story;
{WAVEY SCENE/FLASHBACK}
See I dated 'R' until Dec 12th 2009, why I dumped him I was a pothead, out to 'innocently party yet trash myself' cause I hated me.
well I met him around halloween weekend at a cowboy bar...he was my friends friend a random stranger to the effect that my best friend drew on his face with eyeliner, a lightning bolt...i felt the need to care for him, my reason for breaking up with him by dec. was a mere convo thanksgiving day of trophy wives and husband and the weed driven thoughts he was stalking me. I remember being so afraid getting out of my mums car and thinking is that him is that his car Im so afraid....a dark night a red car. driven by the fact that i was always high and more maliable my close people i listen to i take their words to heart or at least did.
I dumped him, also for the fact that someone said I wouldnt dump him before xmas, they said that I would use him for a gift. 12 days before I ex'd his ass. looking back with one broken heart of my own I no longer hope Im little miss transitional, not that I ever did. But no I pray I am quite the contrary. feeling hurt myself made me rue all the days I ever hurt anyone and wonder why I always jump in so fast, even now,
again with Rob, I have fears that there is some duty I have to fullfil and help him and then will be cast aside. before my heart got broken I knew exactly what to do.
Help whoever my 'transitional mission' was, out, and then leave by fading or quickly.but nicely.
then came the one I wished to keep, why I dont know, I guess seeing as though I cling to quickly anyway but noone gives me the chance to love untill J i didnt know how I would act when I loved too much. and got lost in it...I didnt know that id break.
I went crazy ya know?
So after him Ive been weary but you see I think Im getting close to R another chance and last attempt maybe...Im kinda distant in free loving spirit now I wont just give myself away now im overly guarded and not pretending im open....
pause im toooooo tired to finish this one now...wait.
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