Hey, I miss you. I wished for you on your birthday. I'm writing to you for clarity. I wish you were here. I need someone to talk to...
Grams, I need advice. I love T T.
But I found the most amazing man. He is a dork. He is a good man. And I can love him. I knew that from the moment I met him. Hell I acted it. When Brit drew on his face with eyeliner, I naturally nuturingly wiped it off, he let me.
He makes me think he is weird sometimes, I'm being honest. But I look past it. Everyones got there faults. He is now my boyfriend. He is sweet, caring, responsive, loving, and has ASSets lol he fills out his pants lol I wish you were here in front of me so I could talk to you about him.
There is one problem. I have faults too. And I could see him falling in love with me, and I had a thought after seeing T tonight. That while I love R I stupidly love T. Fuck.
I am going to push that aside cause while I want T its stupid, cause I want R to, but in a loving soft way.
Like I feel he is one of those good guys I stayed away from as to not hurt them. Cause I didn't think I deserved someone to treat me good. I love R. I've only known him for almost 1 month, my time flys. I want to tell him I love him at times.
So I wanted to know, my inner conflict is to bail and save him from too much pain for hopes that T will catch me. I can see Robert now and be content. And loving, and loved. And I know my Choice. As I type you. I know I'm going to choose R and hope I can be worthy of him. But still I think stupidly T is my soulmate. I'm a moron, you know what R would say, "No, your not." Smile.
I love him. I want to tell him. Why do I fall so fast. Damn sleeves. R I love you. Easy as that. Gosh. I am so confuddled.
So here is my life with R, boyfriend, girlfriend. Tenderly loving, pleased, pleasing, carressing, intimate mentally, caring, devoted, loyal, compassion, sincere heart. Husband, wife. Well lived life ful-filled.
Life with T, somehow Epic. I don't know. Mystery.
Stuper, psuedo-love. Tempting, its mystery.
Goddamn.
Robert, I made a promise to you when I said we were BF/GF. I said exclusive. Noone else. And you said fine you have held true. I have too physically, but till now not my mind. I'm sorry. My mind is yours truly, we will run our course. For good. You. Me. You & Me. I love you Robert, you Dork. Shit,
thoughts ablaze, I need your warmth on my skin, need your breath on my neck, need your hand in mine, I'm so cold, and you're always so warm. I need you to come here, and ask me what I'm thinking; You.
So dear Grandma, thank you for reading. And your suddle trinkleings of wisdom. Words can't explain.
Grandma, I love you. I miss you.
Maybe someday we will be strong enough for me to show you this R.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
people deserved
See, outside of home people see, and accept my flaws, they are imperfections that reflect my soul.
So when I see others imperfections and faulters, I look past them. They deserve an undying chance to prove themselves wrong and do something right, to the way they have to live and survive.
Pobody's Nerfect! And so Nobody's Perfect!
(saw that on a sign of a church, ironic huh for some1 who doesn't believe church is right)
So I say to all those who don't think they are worth a damn, I did at one point, you are no matter what people say.
See I have huge flaws and yet as long as I 'doll up, and smoothed out, while highly guarded' the world will only skim the surface...
So when I see others imperfections and faulters, I look past them. They deserve an undying chance to prove themselves wrong and do something right, to the way they have to live and survive.
Pobody's Nerfect! And so Nobody's Perfect!
(saw that on a sign of a church, ironic huh for some1 who doesn't believe church is right)
So I say to all those who don't think they are worth a damn, I did at one point, you are no matter what people say.
See I have huge flaws and yet as long as I 'doll up, and smoothed out, while highly guarded' the world will only skim the surface...
loves intamacy
I'm so sad! I love Rv, stupidly though he only uses me for sex. I fret he may have given me something, but I also have my period so I'm uncertain. He says he hasn't been with anyone since me. And I am honestly believing him, though he keeps asking me if I've been with anyone, maybe he just knows me.
I have three other guys I'm interested in.
G, my hopeful future. All we do is hangout like friends, he pays I pay even though he doesn't want me to and then I pay again...lol
R, my navy man, harry potter if you will an epic nerd. He is who I make dinner for and cuddle and spend my nights relaxing with. We haven't given title to us. He is so sweet, has constant bad breath, and is always there.
Then there is T <3 my what if. He, when I see him my heart soars does flips and scales mountains while skipping its beats. And I don't know why. He is the only guy that happens around, and we were unrequited loves at one point but now we are just friends. So I'm not sure even where my life is going now....I'm so confuddled and I told him and yet he said he doesn't deserve that. That he is no one special. Dare I know that if I can be such a faultered person and people still accept me miraculously why can't I him?
I want T, I moronically love Rv, I see a future with G, and R is just here. What do I do?
I have three other guys I'm interested in.
G, my hopeful future. All we do is hangout like friends, he pays I pay even though he doesn't want me to and then I pay again...lol
R, my navy man, harry potter if you will an epic nerd. He is who I make dinner for and cuddle and spend my nights relaxing with. We haven't given title to us. He is so sweet, has constant bad breath, and is always there.
Then there is T <3 my what if. He, when I see him my heart soars does flips and scales mountains while skipping its beats. And I don't know why. He is the only guy that happens around, and we were unrequited loves at one point but now we are just friends. So I'm not sure even where my life is going now....I'm so confuddled and I told him and yet he said he doesn't deserve that. That he is no one special. Dare I know that if I can be such a faultered person and people still accept me miraculously why can't I him?
I want T, I moronically love Rv, I see a future with G, and R is just here. What do I do?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So! So! So!
I write here for my clarity, if I state some vulgarity that might make your bones quiver and your stomach nausious dare not continue to read. Not for the faint of heart or faint of peversity, though its natural and not perverse some may incinuate that it is.
This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.
Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.
He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.
I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol
He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.
He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.
In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.
In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL
Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?
I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'
I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'
He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'
I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'
He said 'Sorry, bout...'
Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.
I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'
He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'
I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'
I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'
I said 'Mmmmm'
Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.
I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.
I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.
Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.
Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....
This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.
Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.
He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.
I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol
He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.
He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.
In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.
In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL
Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?
I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'
I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'
He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'
I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'
He said 'Sorry, bout...'
Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.
I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'
He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'
I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'
I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'
I said 'Mmmmm'
Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.
I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.
I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.
Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.
Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....
Sunday, October 25, 2009
infatuation
To divert my mind off of what I want I was told to grow an infatuation. So here it is, instead of throwing someone into my mind I am throwing my mind into excersize and reading twilight. I am also not going to flake on my goal. I am going to join the navy in 2010 on my 20th birthday, I know that if I do, I will be a lifer. 20+ years. I don't know how my life will turn out but I don't want to be a fluff.
Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed
Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Gentleman, Gentleman Gentleman please lend me your ear!
So I just had an arrogant (to some) cocky (to most) yet honest (to all) epiphany!
See you know those stories, the ones your mom tells you about girls. The warnings about some girls, well men your in for a treat, because hell if I was to stupid to realize it till now,
I am the perfect woman.
I am the one in story after story of warnings.
I'm the one mom says watch out for.
Why you ask?
I'm adaptable.
I'm enthusiastic.
I'm a nympho.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a lover.
I'm a mind fucker.
I'm innocent.
I'm cunning.
I'm everyones sweetheart.
How you say?
I learn you, I read you like a book and I take chalk to board and scribble notes.
Set out my tactics and reel you in.
I don't do this to just anyone, you have to be a real man,
Honest to painful truth;
You have to be broken.
You have to be stressed.
You have to be animalistic.
You have to be hopelessly glimmering.
You have to be deprived.
You have to be in need or have a void.
Why?
I like interesting projects, things that are inticate, always alluring, and yet graspably out of grasp.
I am that transitional girl the one that appears and disappears when she so chooseths.
I meld into your life so fine when I'm there that you find yourself getting all too kosher, too safe around me. And while there is no risk but your heart, itsz a pretty steep one at that.
I enjoy watching your quirks, I'm intranced by your scent and all the while me just being here drives you crazy.
Gentleman #1
For you I am your liason. An escort, in your car. A long time practice fuck. You stare at me with deep meaning and scorn me with your words.
Gentleman #2
For you I lay back, and enjoy the scene. I am the reaction to your action. I am your late night mistress. And yet you show a slight concern, 'wait Ill drive you home' don't go nowhere.' Or 'how are you getting to work?'
Gentleman #3
I am your future everything you hold dear and hope for that's me. I am the long term kind. The till death unwedded girl. I am the possibility.
So I sit here with all my adaptions and think why can't I find a permanent place. Some call it home, others call it your arms. I dream vaguely of you. I hold you to hope. But to dare touch a candle of reality to me would be toxic.
For I am what you want me to be. A blank canvas.
I will be your everything. Just because I wish to know you. If I'm interested you're lost.
So when you hear that story think twice and act seductive to get you're way. I am a doll like I've been saying. Wind me up. Dolls suck ass.
See you know those stories, the ones your mom tells you about girls. The warnings about some girls, well men your in for a treat, because hell if I was to stupid to realize it till now,
I am the perfect woman.
I am the one in story after story of warnings.
I'm the one mom says watch out for.
Why you ask?
I'm adaptable.
I'm enthusiastic.
I'm a nympho.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a lover.
I'm a mind fucker.
I'm innocent.
I'm cunning.
I'm everyones sweetheart.
How you say?
I learn you, I read you like a book and I take chalk to board and scribble notes.
Set out my tactics and reel you in.
I don't do this to just anyone, you have to be a real man,
Honest to painful truth;
You have to be broken.
You have to be stressed.
You have to be animalistic.
You have to be hopelessly glimmering.
You have to be deprived.
You have to be in need or have a void.
Why?
I like interesting projects, things that are inticate, always alluring, and yet graspably out of grasp.
I am that transitional girl the one that appears and disappears when she so chooseths.
I meld into your life so fine when I'm there that you find yourself getting all too kosher, too safe around me. And while there is no risk but your heart, itsz a pretty steep one at that.
I enjoy watching your quirks, I'm intranced by your scent and all the while me just being here drives you crazy.
Gentleman #1
For you I am your liason. An escort, in your car. A long time practice fuck. You stare at me with deep meaning and scorn me with your words.
Gentleman #2
For you I lay back, and enjoy the scene. I am the reaction to your action. I am your late night mistress. And yet you show a slight concern, 'wait Ill drive you home' don't go nowhere.' Or 'how are you getting to work?'
Gentleman #3
I am your future everything you hold dear and hope for that's me. I am the long term kind. The till death unwedded girl. I am the possibility.
So I sit here with all my adaptions and think why can't I find a permanent place. Some call it home, others call it your arms. I dream vaguely of you. I hold you to hope. But to dare touch a candle of reality to me would be toxic.
For I am what you want me to be. A blank canvas.
I will be your everything. Just because I wish to know you. If I'm interested you're lost.
So when you hear that story think twice and act seductive to get you're way. I am a doll like I've been saying. Wind me up. Dolls suck ass.
Friday, October 23, 2009
lessons gained and lives changed
In my epic quest to match someones soul I found my soul in the sanctity of a friend, I found that love can be plutonic in a friend and that if it is meaningful stupid shit doesn't matter. She is a best friend that my be a twin sister split at birth. I know that it may seem weird but fuck it! 'Family' gets on your nerves and you still love 'em. 'Sisters' are just the same, see I smoke weed with her in all honesty and so we talked about the guys that we are endlessly scorned by eand yet like they are our liqiud 'coke'. I can't help that I fell in in what feels like love with a dog that promised himself to another girl, and has me on the side. He told me today, after I basically said it that he is 'Washingtons' boyfriend when she is home and my fuck buddy and friend (if you could call it that) when she is in DC at college. Fuck if it hurts. Fuck if it feels good. Shit I say, her drug is a man that is engaged, only difference is she knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't know my lsworn bestfriend' had a girlfriend. I don't want to be that girl in love with that guy who is sworn to his beloved but I let my guards down and trusted the wrong smooth operater. I just want someone so in writing this I was inkling a thought on the gravel outside the bar that I frequent Friday nights and so I will take one last time, steal it from him and not give it back, sorrows goodbye. I don't say goodbye but to him I will. My one goodbye. I can't say that I won't trust to love again for it would be a falasy but to my sorrow I know that there will be another someday just not soon. So here I sit learned that I love my friends they teach me the world over to love and that's all I can ask for. Love lost, love held love tomorrow love today live forever and eternity. I will enjoy life and friends.
So to learn to relax and love is what I have. So I sit here at the bar, with friends, no guy to hold and I am content, hurt soul deep but thabnkful to have loved and learned. Shit! :)(:
So to learn to relax and love is what I have. So I sit here at the bar, with friends, no guy to hold and I am content, hurt soul deep but thabnkful to have loved and learned. Shit! :)(:
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