So! So! So!

I write here for my clarity, if I state some vulgarity that might make your bones quiver and your stomach nausious dare not continue to read. Not for the faint of heart or faint of peversity, though its natural and not perverse some may incinuate that it is.

This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.

Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.

He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.

I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol

He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.

He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.

In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.

In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL

Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?

I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'

I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'

He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'

I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'

He said 'Sorry, bout...'

Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.

I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'

He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'

I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'

I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'

I said 'Mmmmm'

Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.

I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.

I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.

Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.

Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....

infatuation

To divert my mind off of what I want I was told to grow an infatuation. So here it is, instead of throwing someone into my mind I am throwing my mind into excersize and reading twilight. I am also not going to flake on my goal. I am going to join the navy in 2010 on my 20th birthday, I know that if I do, I will be a lifer. 20+ years. I don't know how my life will turn out but I don't want to be a fluff.

Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.

Fingers crossed

Gentleman, Gentleman Gentleman please lend me your ear!

So I just had an arrogant (to some) cocky (to most) yet honest (to all) epiphany!

See you know those stories, the ones your mom tells you about girls. The warnings about some girls, well men your in for a treat, because hell if I was to stupid to realize it till now,

I am the perfect woman.
I am the one in story after story of warnings.
I'm the one mom says watch out for.
Why you ask?
I'm adaptable.
I'm enthusiastic.
I'm a nympho.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a lover.
I'm a mind fucker.
I'm innocent.
I'm cunning.
I'm everyones sweetheart.

How you say?

I learn you, I read you like a book and I take chalk to board and scribble notes.
Set out my tactics and reel you in.
I don't do this to just anyone, you have to be a real man,

Honest to painful truth;
You have to be broken.
You have to be stressed.
You have to be animalistic.
You have to be hopelessly glimmering.
You have to be deprived.
You have to be in need or have a void.
Why?
I like interesting projects, things that are inticate, always alluring, and yet graspably out of grasp.

I am that transitional girl the one that appears and disappears when she so chooseths.

I meld into your life so fine when I'm there that you find yourself getting all too kosher, too safe around me. And while there is no risk but your heart, itsz a pretty steep one at that.

I enjoy watching your quirks, I'm intranced by your scent and all the while me just being here drives you crazy.

Gentleman #1
For you I am your liason. An escort, in your car. A long time practice fuck. You stare at me with deep meaning and scorn me with your words.

Gentleman #2
For you I lay back, and enjoy the scene. I am the reaction to your action. I am your late night mistress. And yet you show a slight concern, 'wait Ill drive you home' don't go nowhere.' Or 'how are you getting to work?'

Gentleman #3
I am your future everything you hold dear and hope for that's me. I am the long term kind. The till death unwedded girl. I am the possibility.

So I sit here with all my adaptions and think why can't I find a permanent place. Some call it home, others call it your arms. I dream vaguely of you. I hold you to hope. But to dare touch a candle of reality to me would be toxic.
For I am what you want me to be. A blank canvas.

I will be your everything. Just because I wish to know you. If I'm interested you're lost.

So when you hear that story think twice and act seductive to get you're way. I am a doll like I've been saying. Wind me up. Dolls suck ass.

lessons gained and lives changed

In my epic quest to match someones soul I found my soul in the sanctity of a friend, I found that love can be plutonic in a friend and that if it is meaningful stupid shit doesn't matter. She is a best friend that my be a twin sister split at birth. I know that it may seem weird but fuck it! 'Family' gets on your nerves and you still love 'em. 'Sisters' are just the same, see I smoke weed with her in all honesty and so we talked about the guys that we are endlessly scorned by eand yet like they are our liqiud 'coke'. I can't help that I fell in in what feels like love with a dog that promised himself to another girl, and has me on the side. He told me today, after I basically said it that he is 'Washingtons' boyfriend when she is home and my fuck buddy and friend (if you could call it that) when she is in DC at college. Fuck if it hurts. Fuck if it feels good. Shit I say, her drug is a man that is engaged, only difference is she knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't know my lsworn bestfriend' had a girlfriend. I don't want to be that girl in love with that guy who is sworn to his beloved but I let my guards down and trusted the wrong smooth operater. I just want someone so in writing this I was inkling a thought on the gravel outside the bar that I frequent Friday nights and so I will take one last time, steal it from him and not give it back, sorrows goodbye. I don't say goodbye but to him I will. My one goodbye. I can't say that I won't trust to love again for it would be a falasy but to my sorrow I know that there will be another someday just not soon. So here I sit learned that I love my friends they teach me the world over to love and that's all I can ask for. Love lost, love held love tomorrow love today live forever and eternity. I will enjoy life and friends.

So to learn to relax and love is what I have. So I sit here at the bar, with friends, no guy to hold and I am content, hurt soul deep but thabnkful to have loved and learned. Shit! :)(:

message to the world about my sad predicament

So I was faced with a self inflicted ultimatum, one oi so obnoixiously thought would work on the only man who ever had enough balls to get close enough and stay close only to be able to win the ability to crush me and bring me down to tears and a puddle in 2 seconds if he so chooses. I told him I wanted him, all of him, that I was being selfish and there were to be no other girls for him or guys for me. And that I wanted to be his girl his only girl. And he said if I knew him at all that wouldn't matter. What I was saying because he was already mine. But I was oblivious stupid and am retarded so as to differentiate between him just fucking me to get off or if that 3 hrs is for me. I love him and I don't think I'm confusing it with sex because I can get sex anywhere but I can't get another Revald.

So I proclaim that I am a moron and others that think they know my situation are either completely right and I'm a dolt or completely wrong and I'm a dolt. I tried to be strong and do what my bro and sis said but I couldn't I was to weak, I needed Rev and if the only way I could get him was to submit myself to 3 or more hr love making then so be it. I am a weak person!

It sucks cause although I hope he is just saying that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because I am a moron that he wants to teach a lesson or because he is too busy working 45-50 hrs a week plus full time college, to have to worry about a girlfriend. But at the end of the day I reduce myself to worrying that he values me more then a fuck, for when I need someone to save me he is always there.... but everyone else tells me and looks on me like I'm a slut, and though conciously I hope I'm not I agree with everyone.

I just can't lose him and so to demean myself by getting what little part of himself he can afford to me I am satiated for the time being.. it doesn't mean that I am happy but when I am with him, I just think, me and him time stops and I am very happy in a silent content kind of way.

I just kinda know I might be getting played, maybe if I let my brain wander into not thinking the best optimistically about a person, but that saying 'better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all' is now my heartstrings motto. I am in a catch 22, a player being played and I just have to sit in the doldrums of time and wait.

But while I wait I ask, why does love have to be made so complex that it hurts and yet is great at the same time? Answer me stupid!

Signing off,
Twisted sad lover of loves

Cannabis

First time is a tripp. If done right feels really good. Second time is awkward. Third time is funny and I'm hungry. Fourth time I'm at work waiting for Cay. Make joking promises about luis ha! Fifth day straight daze, worry. Rev grounds me. Rain and lightning, car and static. My past two weeks have gone by in a speedy race, I only have one thing that grounded me, and it was Rev. He saved me from a weed, ever slowly trickleing into my head, hurts to pull it out, headaches. But I want to be sober to experience life. So no more mary for me only occasionally and not for another good while.

God I'm so anxious, you know that feeling you get on xmas morning as a young kid with presents all wrapped before your eyes? Well Rev is doing that to me right now he is a present and I don't know if I get him, I sure hope I get another chance.

Revald and Tori, has a ring to it, kinda.

VictoRiA
ReVAld

VVRRAA

Idk what that spells. But I am so obbessed with learning the answer to the epic question that I have blundered over it. I am oblivious!! Owh my head.


RECOVERY PROCESS HURTS MY HEAD!! RAWR!!!!!!
I'M GOING TO SLEEP!

in the midsts of it all

I must say that laying here in my bed with my mind clear of weed for the first time in 7 days I am in turmoil. I am happy that I am finally clear headed. I am shocked at the way my life is unfolding, I was trying to fall away, and a great realization struck, it hit me like a brick, I am in deep like with Revald, and fear I may lose him and if I do, I will be in slight peril but able to move on, though I may not want to I will.

So here I stand, he told me several times and gave me looks of questioning comprehension and all I did was flat out acknowledge and disregard. For one its because I'm an oblivious bitch that can't believe anything good can happen so when it does I act nonchalant.

After almost losing him, (and probably maybe, hopefully not fucking everything up) I think I am going to definitly if I did lose Rev and all the possibilties that come with him, I am going to become very self inverted and become a morman nun who lives off of tree bark for sustanance.

While that is highly exaggerated in physical relations in mental ones not so much. You see out of all the people that I have ever known I let him in and gave him the power to break my heart without even realizing I had. It was just natural. See when I first met him we were on fire, kind of, but we barely saw each other, though I lost connection he still used whatever means possible to find me. He stuck around. He persisted. ;)

And now that I kind of surrender he withdraws, oops have I been here before, I was the one to withdraw, that won't happen again. So I threw my 'demands' down. I told him that I want him as my one and only and now I wait on this epic Romeo story held up by Rev.

He even tries to please me. He made me O twice in 45 min even when I was destracted. Wow! Anyway, I feel so close to him and yet I worry cause he is so far away.

Aside from what I want and what makes me not needy, if he truly ends Us here then I hope he finds some girl that makes him truly happy, and she is every good quality of me and so much more, I wish him the world and happiness 10xs over. So much so that I would help him find her, show him a smile and a stoic face all while trying to make him have the best life if not with me, a true friend in heart I will always be to him.

You know what sucks, waiting on his decision. Waiting to know if my heart will be dusted or inflamed. I care deeply for him, yet in this world I can't show him for that would be needy. So I will play cool and wait all while panicing under my 'complacent' surface.

Goddamn my mind is confudled.