in the midsts of it all

I must say that laying here in my bed with my mind clear of weed for the first time in 7 days I am in turmoil. I am happy that I am finally clear headed. I am shocked at the way my life is unfolding, I was trying to fall away, and a great realization struck, it hit me like a brick, I am in deep like with Revald, and fear I may lose him and if I do, I will be in slight peril but able to move on, though I may not want to I will.

So here I stand, he told me several times and gave me looks of questioning comprehension and all I did was flat out acknowledge and disregard. For one its because I'm an oblivious bitch that can't believe anything good can happen so when it does I act nonchalant.

After almost losing him, (and probably maybe, hopefully not fucking everything up) I think I am going to definitly if I did lose Rev and all the possibilties that come with him, I am going to become very self inverted and become a morman nun who lives off of tree bark for sustanance.

While that is highly exaggerated in physical relations in mental ones not so much. You see out of all the people that I have ever known I let him in and gave him the power to break my heart without even realizing I had. It was just natural. See when I first met him we were on fire, kind of, but we barely saw each other, though I lost connection he still used whatever means possible to find me. He stuck around. He persisted. ;)

And now that I kind of surrender he withdraws, oops have I been here before, I was the one to withdraw, that won't happen again. So I threw my 'demands' down. I told him that I want him as my one and only and now I wait on this epic Romeo story held up by Rev.

He even tries to please me. He made me O twice in 45 min even when I was destracted. Wow! Anyway, I feel so close to him and yet I worry cause he is so far away.

Aside from what I want and what makes me not needy, if he truly ends Us here then I hope he finds some girl that makes him truly happy, and she is every good quality of me and so much more, I wish him the world and happiness 10xs over. So much so that I would help him find her, show him a smile and a stoic face all while trying to make him have the best life if not with me, a true friend in heart I will always be to him.

You know what sucks, waiting on his decision. Waiting to know if my heart will be dusted or inflamed. I care deeply for him, yet in this world I can't show him for that would be needy. So I will play cool and wait all while panicing under my 'complacent' surface.

Goddamn my mind is confudled.