So I was faced with a self inflicted ultimatum, one oi so obnoixiously thought would work on the only man who ever had enough balls to get close enough and stay close only to be able to win the ability to crush me and bring me down to tears and a puddle in 2 seconds if he so chooses. I told him I wanted him, all of him, that I was being selfish and there were to be no other girls for him or guys for me. And that I wanted to be his girl his only girl. And he said if I knew him at all that wouldn't matter. What I was saying because he was already mine. But I was oblivious stupid and am retarded so as to differentiate between him just fucking me to get off or if that 3 hrs is for me. I love him and I don't think I'm confusing it with sex because I can get sex anywhere but I can't get another Revald.
So I proclaim that I am a moron and others that think they know my situation are either completely right and I'm a dolt or completely wrong and I'm a dolt. I tried to be strong and do what my bro and sis said but I couldn't I was to weak, I needed Rev and if the only way I could get him was to submit myself to 3 or more hr love making then so be it. I am a weak person!
It sucks cause although I hope he is just saying that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because I am a moron that he wants to teach a lesson or because he is too busy working 45-50 hrs a week plus full time college, to have to worry about a girlfriend. But at the end of the day I reduce myself to worrying that he values me more then a fuck, for when I need someone to save me he is always there.... but everyone else tells me and looks on me like I'm a slut, and though conciously I hope I'm not I agree with everyone.
I just can't lose him and so to demean myself by getting what little part of himself he can afford to me I am satiated for the time being.. it doesn't mean that I am happy but when I am with him, I just think, me and him time stops and I am very happy in a silent content kind of way.
I just kinda know I might be getting played, maybe if I let my brain wander into not thinking the best optimistically about a person, but that saying 'better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all' is now my heartstrings motto. I am in a catch 22, a player being played and I just have to sit in the doldrums of time and wait.
But while I wait I ask, why does love have to be made so complex that it hurts and yet is great at the same time? Answer me stupid!
Signing off,
Twisted sad lover of loves
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