Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
TRANSITIONAL GIRL
So I am Dating R again, the guy from last fall to mid dec. well he says he loves me...he said Ill be his trophy wife. he said alot.
I moved to his house in ohio and only brought a big black suitcase full of clothes, my 2 cats and 3 purses...
HE doesnt pay me for all I do but I moved here July 25th, 2010.
He left around Aug 5th since then I have Accomplished alot, I am restoring his bum ass house back to its prime.
R may be cheating on me in Va with one of his ship mates, he doesnt call nor text anymore.
he told me to email...doesnt say i love you anymore. I dont care. he makes me mad.
Im also having an affair with a friend of the same namesake.
Im gonna call him WR
this man is amazing he is a gemini and can satisfy me in so many ways.
he is married (said i wouldnt be a homewrecker...wait read on)
His wife is estranged and living with a mexican she is prego by.
He does exactly what ive always imagined in fantasies.
he is pretty fantastic.
He said he could fix me, its a shame i wont let him.
He said no attachments, and yet he is getting attached. blah
he has 3 kids and is 33.
13 yrs my senior.
2 kids live with him and are from his marraige
1 is 10yrs old, the other 14.
they live with him and he is an amazing dad.
the other kid is 16, she lives with her mother.
I told him i was a transitional girl.
he asked me why?
I said cause i fix people and then leave.
IM NOT DONE WITH THIS BLOG
I moved to his house in ohio and only brought a big black suitcase full of clothes, my 2 cats and 3 purses...
HE doesnt pay me for all I do but I moved here July 25th, 2010.
He left around Aug 5th since then I have Accomplished alot, I am restoring his bum ass house back to its prime.
R may be cheating on me in Va with one of his ship mates, he doesnt call nor text anymore.
he told me to email...doesnt say i love you anymore. I dont care. he makes me mad.
Im also having an affair with a friend of the same namesake.
Im gonna call him WR
this man is amazing he is a gemini and can satisfy me in so many ways.
he is married (said i wouldnt be a homewrecker...wait read on)
His wife is estranged and living with a mexican she is prego by.
He does exactly what ive always imagined in fantasies.
he is pretty fantastic.
He said he could fix me, its a shame i wont let him.
He said no attachments, and yet he is getting attached. blah
he has 3 kids and is 33.
13 yrs my senior.
2 kids live with him and are from his marraige
1 is 10yrs old, the other 14.
they live with him and he is an amazing dad.
the other kid is 16, she lives with her mother.
I told him i was a transitional girl.
he asked me why?
I said cause i fix people and then leave.
IM NOT DONE WITH THIS BLOG
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Re-Evaluation of Myself
Clearly its been well over a year since I started this Blog, and it has also been a roky road since my last post, I have become an Alcoholic, I have had my heart broken, I have gone through a exorbenant amount of drugs, testing them all out....
Life has been no good to me, When I first wrote you this Blog, I was always 'in love' or on a hopeful journey to being loved, trying to find it through sex...hahahaha if only my mind could have forseen then that you dont find love on a matress or even when you search.
it finds you. when you least expect it to. it steals you away and then strands you. if soulmates do exist, my boyfriend (of right now, maybe longer) has a theory;
He says everyone is given several soulmates, its just a matter of finding common mutual ground with them, he says he is romantic, I'll have to wait and see. only romantic gesture is a forced purchase of protection, he offered I took.
You see I jump into things head first, I told my mum the reason Im moving to my bfs house alone in the middle of a strange state that is foriegn to me is because:
I trust Him
I can find a better life
I can get away
He will help me get life straight...yada yada yada
I didnt tell my mum I was dating him at first I told her he was a friend....
helping me out.....Im a chronic liar.
see since my heart was broken I figured I should do what any hurt person or creature does, take aimless revenge, I became self inflicting around march 14th 2010 till june 11th 2010 but was wishy washy ready to step in front of the next train.
I partied hard, got used worse, and wasnt dieing like I thought I would, would anyone put me out of my misery?
I soon found Robert again, he kept resurfacing why? I havent the fainticed....when partying I was oblivious to the fact I still liked him or at least I understood I did but it wasnt a 'sexy social statement' to be seen with him.
short story;
{WAVEY SCENE/FLASHBACK}
See I dated 'R' until Dec 12th 2009, why I dumped him I was a pothead, out to 'innocently party yet trash myself' cause I hated me.
well I met him around halloween weekend at a cowboy bar...he was my friends friend a random stranger to the effect that my best friend drew on his face with eyeliner, a lightning bolt...i felt the need to care for him, my reason for breaking up with him by dec. was a mere convo thanksgiving day of trophy wives and husband and the weed driven thoughts he was stalking me. I remember being so afraid getting out of my mums car and thinking is that him is that his car Im so afraid....a dark night a red car. driven by the fact that i was always high and more maliable my close people i listen to i take their words to heart or at least did.
I dumped him, also for the fact that someone said I wouldnt dump him before xmas, they said that I would use him for a gift. 12 days before I ex'd his ass. looking back with one broken heart of my own I no longer hope Im little miss transitional, not that I ever did. But no I pray I am quite the contrary. feeling hurt myself made me rue all the days I ever hurt anyone and wonder why I always jump in so fast, even now,
again with Rob, I have fears that there is some duty I have to fullfil and help him and then will be cast aside. before my heart got broken I knew exactly what to do.
Help whoever my 'transitional mission' was, out, and then leave by fading or quickly.but nicely.
then came the one I wished to keep, why I dont know, I guess seeing as though I cling to quickly anyway but noone gives me the chance to love untill J i didnt know how I would act when I loved too much. and got lost in it...I didnt know that id break.
I went crazy ya know?
So after him Ive been weary but you see I think Im getting close to R another chance and last attempt maybe...Im kinda distant in free loving spirit now I wont just give myself away now im overly guarded and not pretending im open....
pause im toooooo tired to finish this one now...wait.
Life has been no good to me, When I first wrote you this Blog, I was always 'in love' or on a hopeful journey to being loved, trying to find it through sex...hahahaha if only my mind could have forseen then that you dont find love on a matress or even when you search.
it finds you. when you least expect it to. it steals you away and then strands you. if soulmates do exist, my boyfriend (of right now, maybe longer) has a theory;
He says everyone is given several soulmates, its just a matter of finding common mutual ground with them, he says he is romantic, I'll have to wait and see. only romantic gesture is a forced purchase of protection, he offered I took.
You see I jump into things head first, I told my mum the reason Im moving to my bfs house alone in the middle of a strange state that is foriegn to me is because:
I trust Him
I can find a better life
I can get away
He will help me get life straight...yada yada yada
I didnt tell my mum I was dating him at first I told her he was a friend....
helping me out.....Im a chronic liar.
see since my heart was broken I figured I should do what any hurt person or creature does, take aimless revenge, I became self inflicting around march 14th 2010 till june 11th 2010 but was wishy washy ready to step in front of the next train.
I partied hard, got used worse, and wasnt dieing like I thought I would, would anyone put me out of my misery?
I soon found Robert again, he kept resurfacing why? I havent the fainticed....when partying I was oblivious to the fact I still liked him or at least I understood I did but it wasnt a 'sexy social statement' to be seen with him.
short story;
{WAVEY SCENE/FLASHBACK}
See I dated 'R' until Dec 12th 2009, why I dumped him I was a pothead, out to 'innocently party yet trash myself' cause I hated me.
well I met him around halloween weekend at a cowboy bar...he was my friends friend a random stranger to the effect that my best friend drew on his face with eyeliner, a lightning bolt...i felt the need to care for him, my reason for breaking up with him by dec. was a mere convo thanksgiving day of trophy wives and husband and the weed driven thoughts he was stalking me. I remember being so afraid getting out of my mums car and thinking is that him is that his car Im so afraid....a dark night a red car. driven by the fact that i was always high and more maliable my close people i listen to i take their words to heart or at least did.
I dumped him, also for the fact that someone said I wouldnt dump him before xmas, they said that I would use him for a gift. 12 days before I ex'd his ass. looking back with one broken heart of my own I no longer hope Im little miss transitional, not that I ever did. But no I pray I am quite the contrary. feeling hurt myself made me rue all the days I ever hurt anyone and wonder why I always jump in so fast, even now,
again with Rob, I have fears that there is some duty I have to fullfil and help him and then will be cast aside. before my heart got broken I knew exactly what to do.
Help whoever my 'transitional mission' was, out, and then leave by fading or quickly.but nicely.
then came the one I wished to keep, why I dont know, I guess seeing as though I cling to quickly anyway but noone gives me the chance to love untill J i didnt know how I would act when I loved too much. and got lost in it...I didnt know that id break.
I went crazy ya know?
So after him Ive been weary but you see I think Im getting close to R another chance and last attempt maybe...Im kinda distant in free loving spirit now I wont just give myself away now im overly guarded and not pretending im open....
pause im toooooo tired to finish this one now...wait.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
JUST A PISSED OFF PAWN
you know WHAT pisses me off!!!!! When someone uses you and they make you think something that is a fallacy is actually worth hope.....FUCK YOU JEB!!! I wish i had not ever met you, and gone along with your stupid fucking relationship bullshit!!! I hate the fact that I was threaded along funny shit was I was completely myself and you even asked me to do manipulation shit. why im venting on facebook?! because this is your stupid nerd ass world I FUCKING HATE YOU. What you did hurt, and I was so fucked by it till I realized that you were a big dick and I was a pawn, funny how the only one playing a game was you. you are rotten and I wish you the best in life. I hate how im too nice of a person and so gullible to think of the good in people. I am glad i got over in time to make a new start douch~~~~> GOD that i dont believe in, please dont send me anymore douches I fear i will try to will myself away from them. but being who i am will probably be too nice. fuck ya'll. this pisses me off. not ready for shit just tell me im a fucking pawn. asshole! a fucken transitional girl like always. thats what I am, see me use my kindness and fucken make wreckage in my world....when is it enough.
Monday, May 24, 2010
delirium
So...
After finishing a book that someone dear told me to read and I fluffed it off for a long while,
I have decided that I am going to make an abrupt amount of changes in my life.
First off,
No negative vibes,
Second off,
Self gain in a manner of speaking, should I do it? Why do I always have thoughts unshared with any other person? Why do I feel incomplete,
And why do I miss you so much even when thinking lightly I wish I had just molded perfectly to your form like I do everyone else?
Why is it that when you stumble upon what you want and make the most ballsy move you've ever made in your life, everything seem to be catalysed to amazing happiness, and then the minute you think you finally can grasp it its all taken away and you now find yourself chasing a ghost talking to everyone afraid of what you might have had, and looking back to the very ignighter that you set out for the first time for your own personal gain and wished you could take it back? Funny thing is, my brain is so well advance and so very distinctive at pulling apart every miniscule detail to begin with that, I have found not a soul but one on my level and willing to share their mutual insight and intuition that it suks because I am now too afraid to go back and visit that love so deep that I feel its delirium set in for recourse on my sanity.
See I wish to go back all the way to the beging before I loved you and stop myself, give myself hesitation, tell myself don't jump, not this time, and all I an think is, well, the way my dual mind enables me to. I ant regret for that makes me who I am today, but certain cirumstances; did I really have to go through them?
Did I really need to delve into that scene and why can't I just eraase it all, then a part of me with envy and angst looks to the other variables that could perchance oincide and I see them all too clearly, I see this...
For right now I'm speaking of a specific love,
Not like any of the misguided harlet tales I have left on these pages before.
I see too many variations, like always, and normally they are all chess games to me, pawns moved here and there, but I want this so bad it keeps my ever waking mind from sleep.
Scenario 1
I stop right now fighting for the hope of love I've contained in myself for centuries. I let him be and move on seemlessly through a life that for me, would be like drinking a less than half glass full of vinager flavored wine, not what I want but I can bear it. For my soul won't be content with anything anyway.
Senario 2
stay friends with him, be on the brim of his life and just watch him be happy and could he be happy without me?
Scenario 3
Do what I'm best at and just move on, never forgetting but never showing it hurts. And basically run away.
Scenario 4
Fight caustically for what might be some self escalated delusion just because I think that while I am actually going crazy, I am holding onto some demented piee of false truth and vulgar hope.
So here's the story,
I have always clinged to certain facts, I see a piece of myself in everyone else, that's why I'm so forgiving. Cause I'm so very flawed and people should get automatic forgiveness for only they truly can judge themselves.
Well once again I'm stuck with this one dilema only this time I don't want it to end like all the others, I want to live happily ever after and am truly willing to fight for it. And will. I gave him the power which in fact while I know I shouldn't have, he knew I finally gave it up, he was far more advaned than I was and caught my dumb ass in a trap that now I don't even quite understand if it was of my own delusional making or if he is still actually playing.
I want to go and hide. To run away and not be any thee wiser. Just dull out but for some damn reason I'm drawn to him and uterly repulsed by all the dull air I've been surrounded, he was probably the only one up to par. And I blew it. Starting with that fateless day I sat on his lap and engaged. I was kinda self concious, for no reason, and now I'm in a beautiful mess of the worst kinda mind game. I only think about it when I'm truely alone, everything else comes natural, I'm good at distractions, but when I'm truly alone I wander mentally. Dare say I'm too self absorbed, I am. Funny how noone else sees that, I hide it well behind a deceptive mask of curiousity.
If he could only give me one last kiss and embrace, why was I so demanding? And yet at the same time so eager to change?
I hear true love can make you go crazy, I've been lusting after it for about 7 or so past lifes, and I do say I met my mark, but to know so profoundly and yet not be able to abtain it.
That's a heartbreaker. I'm not iffy on this at all I'm perfectly resolute and so I wish in my soul I could deny it, but substantially soulful I am unregrettable right and it scares me beause I already know my decision and now I am not sure of his.
He left me with love always,
Do I take it to heart?
Or just flake it off and move on?
He's the only person I read that was honest and so its driving me insane to think that my natural knack might have been off, like I do believe I'm crazy.
I am crazy. And all I an nightmare about is the fact that I won't ever have a happy life, its just not the life cut out for me, pure ecstacy can't compare to how much I wish someone would throw me in a loony bin and numb the knowledge I bear in my soul.
Dear fates,
How do I disappear if there is so muh to my destiny that shan't allow my mind to be weak and hurt myself nor bystanders, and why shall I ontinue to function in ease seemlessly fitting in when I want to rebel? And dissappear?
Why has fate saved me from so many possible tradgedies if I'm willing everyone in my presence to be safe why ant you take me? I would sacrifice myself to an unknowing force to save millions and yet I go crazy because I dare to not move on.
Damn if I was only fuked up or high I wouldn't have the patients to think this deep and write my delirium for my own past reference.
I wish to be commited or labotomized.
And yet I will act as thoughnothing is wrong and protect everyone I can from meaningless hazards til I naturally transpire.
After finishing a book that someone dear told me to read and I fluffed it off for a long while,
I have decided that I am going to make an abrupt amount of changes in my life.
First off,
No negative vibes,
Second off,
Self gain in a manner of speaking, should I do it? Why do I always have thoughts unshared with any other person? Why do I feel incomplete,
And why do I miss you so much even when thinking lightly I wish I had just molded perfectly to your form like I do everyone else?
Why is it that when you stumble upon what you want and make the most ballsy move you've ever made in your life, everything seem to be catalysed to amazing happiness, and then the minute you think you finally can grasp it its all taken away and you now find yourself chasing a ghost talking to everyone afraid of what you might have had, and looking back to the very ignighter that you set out for the first time for your own personal gain and wished you could take it back? Funny thing is, my brain is so well advance and so very distinctive at pulling apart every miniscule detail to begin with that, I have found not a soul but one on my level and willing to share their mutual insight and intuition that it suks because I am now too afraid to go back and visit that love so deep that I feel its delirium set in for recourse on my sanity.
See I wish to go back all the way to the beging before I loved you and stop myself, give myself hesitation, tell myself don't jump, not this time, and all I an think is, well, the way my dual mind enables me to. I ant regret for that makes me who I am today, but certain cirumstances; did I really have to go through them?
Did I really need to delve into that scene and why can't I just eraase it all, then a part of me with envy and angst looks to the other variables that could perchance oincide and I see them all too clearly, I see this...
For right now I'm speaking of a specific love,
Not like any of the misguided harlet tales I have left on these pages before.
I see too many variations, like always, and normally they are all chess games to me, pawns moved here and there, but I want this so bad it keeps my ever waking mind from sleep.
Scenario 1
I stop right now fighting for the hope of love I've contained in myself for centuries. I let him be and move on seemlessly through a life that for me, would be like drinking a less than half glass full of vinager flavored wine, not what I want but I can bear it. For my soul won't be content with anything anyway.
Senario 2
stay friends with him, be on the brim of his life and just watch him be happy and could he be happy without me?
Scenario 3
Do what I'm best at and just move on, never forgetting but never showing it hurts. And basically run away.
Scenario 4
Fight caustically for what might be some self escalated delusion just because I think that while I am actually going crazy, I am holding onto some demented piee of false truth and vulgar hope.
So here's the story,
I have always clinged to certain facts, I see a piece of myself in everyone else, that's why I'm so forgiving. Cause I'm so very flawed and people should get automatic forgiveness for only they truly can judge themselves.
Well once again I'm stuck with this one dilema only this time I don't want it to end like all the others, I want to live happily ever after and am truly willing to fight for it. And will. I gave him the power which in fact while I know I shouldn't have, he knew I finally gave it up, he was far more advaned than I was and caught my dumb ass in a trap that now I don't even quite understand if it was of my own delusional making or if he is still actually playing.
I want to go and hide. To run away and not be any thee wiser. Just dull out but for some damn reason I'm drawn to him and uterly repulsed by all the dull air I've been surrounded, he was probably the only one up to par. And I blew it. Starting with that fateless day I sat on his lap and engaged. I was kinda self concious, for no reason, and now I'm in a beautiful mess of the worst kinda mind game. I only think about it when I'm truely alone, everything else comes natural, I'm good at distractions, but when I'm truly alone I wander mentally. Dare say I'm too self absorbed, I am. Funny how noone else sees that, I hide it well behind a deceptive mask of curiousity.
If he could only give me one last kiss and embrace, why was I so demanding? And yet at the same time so eager to change?
I hear true love can make you go crazy, I've been lusting after it for about 7 or so past lifes, and I do say I met my mark, but to know so profoundly and yet not be able to abtain it.
That's a heartbreaker. I'm not iffy on this at all I'm perfectly resolute and so I wish in my soul I could deny it, but substantially soulful I am unregrettable right and it scares me beause I already know my decision and now I am not sure of his.
He left me with love always,
Do I take it to heart?
Or just flake it off and move on?
He's the only person I read that was honest and so its driving me insane to think that my natural knack might have been off, like I do believe I'm crazy.
I am crazy. And all I an nightmare about is the fact that I won't ever have a happy life, its just not the life cut out for me, pure ecstacy can't compare to how much I wish someone would throw me in a loony bin and numb the knowledge I bear in my soul.
Dear fates,
How do I disappear if there is so muh to my destiny that shan't allow my mind to be weak and hurt myself nor bystanders, and why shall I ontinue to function in ease seemlessly fitting in when I want to rebel? And dissappear?
Why has fate saved me from so many possible tradgedies if I'm willing everyone in my presence to be safe why ant you take me? I would sacrifice myself to an unknowing force to save millions and yet I go crazy because I dare to not move on.
Damn if I was only fuked up or high I wouldn't have the patients to think this deep and write my delirium for my own past reference.
I wish to be commited or labotomized.
And yet I will act as thoughnothing is wrong and protect everyone I can from meaningless hazards til I naturally transpire.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
love despair hope love always victoria
"You shoulda just let the van crush me"
I say this to you James.
I've thought in between drunken lullabys and sad whispers about it.
Thought day, and night.
Thought while chasing some big dream and collapsing under salted waves.
I am trying to figure this all out, we were meant to be, supposed to be, used to be somehow.
But it all ceased with my life long dream on the 14th of march, when our lives so intertwined scraped and slid apart.
From the minute I layed eyes on you it was true, you weren't perfect, I felt the need to stay away from you.
For I thought that if anyone were to get hurt tragically losing their heart it would be you.
For I looked for eons for my soulmate, never finding him, but you, I thought I would hurt you and break your heart. And that's when I knew. I knew I had found you.
To see that my drive to keep from hurting you was so profound that I would let myself get hurt in lue of you, twas horriffic.
To say that I'm not afraid of anything is a falacy, for I'm afraid of the dark, silence, people, and being alone, but when I met you I forgot all of those and my one and only fear was losing you, not being able to smell you, not being able to feel you, not hearing your voice, not having you cross my mind. And yet I tried feebly to save what we had, to stop the rip that has torn, funny how when I gave you my heart its like if I could compare it to a wolf they mate once, for life, they find their one and if separated go crazy or die of agony. I think that's where I'm at, now that I have givin you my heart and you accepted it way back when I knew my life would end and begin with you. And I have felt this only for you.
Before I met you I would always have this feeling of of gravity I guess you could call it, no magnetism, like I was pulled in every inch of my body towards someone unknown my mind always cast to someone I couldn't see someone so close yet so far away. And yet I knew with every person I met if it wasn't them. And it wasn't.
But you when I touched your hand, the magnetism calmed it disappeared I was at peace, my mind stopped searching and I was in the eye of the hurricane calm. Life was easy and I gave up to you, I didn't want to hold any secrets I didn't want to lose you I wanted to prove that you could trust me. For I trusted unconditionally, I don't do that with anyone.
You asked if you could manipulate me, I didn't mind fully, utterly, and completely. I saw that we were unseperable. That once we started it would be epic. That I would die for you. And funny thing is, I'm so self sacrificial, in the sense that if someone that's with me wants someone else, I enable them to go, I even help them even though I could be happy and keep them, but knowing they wouldn't be happy would kill me.
So I help them. And then you, I thought I made you so happy, I thought that at the end of the day I completed you, I thought that I was finally allowed to be happy for you made me so happy that I didn't even worry that you weren't I just went along with it, I just saw that sine you made me so happy as long as I made you happy I would be able to keep you.
Funny how when you didn't want me anymore I died, I didn't know what to do or where to go. My heart was givin freely and once givin can't be taken back, weird I know but you and solely you have my heart you can take it whenever touch it love it feel it, always. James E.B. but others not in any of my days that remain.
You know why I fade out of peoples lives?! Everyones life that I touch falls in love with me and I stop them, I don't know why they do, but they do, and I see it. Id do anything for them, but let them hurt their heart on me. For if I don't completely love them they won't ever gain the knowledge that you have.
To say it super natural is absurd but its more about basic dynamics. Find out nonchalantly what someone wants and you obtain their trust their loyalty and honor. And I do that but not for personal gain, no just for personal enrichment it makes my life endeavor more full.
But you I figured sine all these strings I pulled on others worked they should with you, but they didn't. I was intriegued lost and in allure, swept away. All because of your ability to resist my swooning.
I compare a quote of twilight to us but by namesake their are two roads we can dance down,
James and Victoria
Or
Edward and Bella
Its like I could compare you to both, fierce like james and sinere like edward.
And I enduring and resiliant like victoria and selfless and stubborn like bella.
But I'm not even sure I know where to begin.
I've been frieghtened by you, by losing you, I can't help it, I need and want you but one when I was so sure now not so much I need to hold you need to have you but don't think I ever will. I keep seeing signs for us, when I finally think I moved on.....
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but now I know I never will. I wish that I could tell you my ignorant attempts to move on so futile, brad, and everyone. I got rid of brittany, you know lol
But not till after she broke my heart, slept with my ex just cause she could I don't dare think of him seriously, he was my distraction from you and well he did just that distract with all of his drama of cheating and guilt trips.
I felt you last time I tripped on e I felt you so close I wore your necklace that night before I knew id be tripping on e. It was 6pm and I was getting ready to go out, and our vase dropped the necklace falling out and I pictured when you put it on my neck, so I put it on. Then I went partying, saved that night by a guardian, I didn't get attacked I talked my way out of a dark lit parking lot and back to the house though he had already push me against a tree.I got home and was safe, eric came by a married man, a friend of courts and I was just like hey and he goes want this e. Then I tripped on e and sunk into my blanket after wanting you so bad. I closed my eyes alone and felt your kiss. Why the torment to open my eyes and your not there?
I still where my necklace from you. 4 days. And I can't bare to remove it this time. Held to the past mentally this is a physical manifestation.
Will I ever feel your touch the one that sets my soul at ease, probably not but I wish, hope, dream.
If only if only you could grasp me.
I miss and will miss you for eternity.
Summers end you might return. Can I have you? Please.
Love always, victoria
I say this to you James.
I've thought in between drunken lullabys and sad whispers about it.
Thought day, and night.
Thought while chasing some big dream and collapsing under salted waves.
I am trying to figure this all out, we were meant to be, supposed to be, used to be somehow.
But it all ceased with my life long dream on the 14th of march, when our lives so intertwined scraped and slid apart.
From the minute I layed eyes on you it was true, you weren't perfect, I felt the need to stay away from you.
For I thought that if anyone were to get hurt tragically losing their heart it would be you.
For I looked for eons for my soulmate, never finding him, but you, I thought I would hurt you and break your heart. And that's when I knew. I knew I had found you.
To see that my drive to keep from hurting you was so profound that I would let myself get hurt in lue of you, twas horriffic.
To say that I'm not afraid of anything is a falacy, for I'm afraid of the dark, silence, people, and being alone, but when I met you I forgot all of those and my one and only fear was losing you, not being able to smell you, not being able to feel you, not hearing your voice, not having you cross my mind. And yet I tried feebly to save what we had, to stop the rip that has torn, funny how when I gave you my heart its like if I could compare it to a wolf they mate once, for life, they find their one and if separated go crazy or die of agony. I think that's where I'm at, now that I have givin you my heart and you accepted it way back when I knew my life would end and begin with you. And I have felt this only for you.
Before I met you I would always have this feeling of of gravity I guess you could call it, no magnetism, like I was pulled in every inch of my body towards someone unknown my mind always cast to someone I couldn't see someone so close yet so far away. And yet I knew with every person I met if it wasn't them. And it wasn't.
But you when I touched your hand, the magnetism calmed it disappeared I was at peace, my mind stopped searching and I was in the eye of the hurricane calm. Life was easy and I gave up to you, I didn't want to hold any secrets I didn't want to lose you I wanted to prove that you could trust me. For I trusted unconditionally, I don't do that with anyone.
You asked if you could manipulate me, I didn't mind fully, utterly, and completely. I saw that we were unseperable. That once we started it would be epic. That I would die for you. And funny thing is, I'm so self sacrificial, in the sense that if someone that's with me wants someone else, I enable them to go, I even help them even though I could be happy and keep them, but knowing they wouldn't be happy would kill me.
So I help them. And then you, I thought I made you so happy, I thought that at the end of the day I completed you, I thought that I was finally allowed to be happy for you made me so happy that I didn't even worry that you weren't I just went along with it, I just saw that sine you made me so happy as long as I made you happy I would be able to keep you.
Funny how when you didn't want me anymore I died, I didn't know what to do or where to go. My heart was givin freely and once givin can't be taken back, weird I know but you and solely you have my heart you can take it whenever touch it love it feel it, always. James E.B. but others not in any of my days that remain.
You know why I fade out of peoples lives?! Everyones life that I touch falls in love with me and I stop them, I don't know why they do, but they do, and I see it. Id do anything for them, but let them hurt their heart on me. For if I don't completely love them they won't ever gain the knowledge that you have.
To say it super natural is absurd but its more about basic dynamics. Find out nonchalantly what someone wants and you obtain their trust their loyalty and honor. And I do that but not for personal gain, no just for personal enrichment it makes my life endeavor more full.
But you I figured sine all these strings I pulled on others worked they should with you, but they didn't. I was intriegued lost and in allure, swept away. All because of your ability to resist my swooning.
I compare a quote of twilight to us but by namesake their are two roads we can dance down,
James and Victoria
Or
Edward and Bella
Its like I could compare you to both, fierce like james and sinere like edward.
And I enduring and resiliant like victoria and selfless and stubborn like bella.
But I'm not even sure I know where to begin.
I've been frieghtened by you, by losing you, I can't help it, I need and want you but one when I was so sure now not so much I need to hold you need to have you but don't think I ever will. I keep seeing signs for us, when I finally think I moved on.....
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but now I know I never will. I wish that I could tell you my ignorant attempts to move on so futile, brad, and everyone. I got rid of brittany, you know lol
But not till after she broke my heart, slept with my ex just cause she could I don't dare think of him seriously, he was my distraction from you and well he did just that distract with all of his drama of cheating and guilt trips.
I felt you last time I tripped on e I felt you so close I wore your necklace that night before I knew id be tripping on e. It was 6pm and I was getting ready to go out, and our vase dropped the necklace falling out and I pictured when you put it on my neck, so I put it on. Then I went partying, saved that night by a guardian, I didn't get attacked I talked my way out of a dark lit parking lot and back to the house though he had already push me against a tree.I got home and was safe, eric came by a married man, a friend of courts and I was just like hey and he goes want this e. Then I tripped on e and sunk into my blanket after wanting you so bad. I closed my eyes alone and felt your kiss. Why the torment to open my eyes and your not there?
I still where my necklace from you. 4 days. And I can't bare to remove it this time. Held to the past mentally this is a physical manifestation.
Will I ever feel your touch the one that sets my soul at ease, probably not but I wish, hope, dream.
If only if only you could grasp me.
I miss and will miss you for eternity.
Summers end you might return. Can I have you? Please.
Love always, victoria
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