message to the world about my sad predicament

So I was faced with a self inflicted ultimatum, one oi so obnoixiously thought would work on the only man who ever had enough balls to get close enough and stay close only to be able to win the ability to crush me and bring me down to tears and a puddle in 2 seconds if he so chooses. I told him I wanted him, all of him, that I was being selfish and there were to be no other girls for him or guys for me. And that I wanted to be his girl his only girl. And he said if I knew him at all that wouldn't matter. What I was saying because he was already mine. But I was oblivious stupid and am retarded so as to differentiate between him just fucking me to get off or if that 3 hrs is for me. I love him and I don't think I'm confusing it with sex because I can get sex anywhere but I can't get another Revald.

So I proclaim that I am a moron and others that think they know my situation are either completely right and I'm a dolt or completely wrong and I'm a dolt. I tried to be strong and do what my bro and sis said but I couldn't I was to weak, I needed Rev and if the only way I could get him was to submit myself to 3 or more hr love making then so be it. I am a weak person!

It sucks cause although I hope he is just saying that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because I am a moron that he wants to teach a lesson or because he is too busy working 45-50 hrs a week plus full time college, to have to worry about a girlfriend. But at the end of the day I reduce myself to worrying that he values me more then a fuck, for when I need someone to save me he is always there.... but everyone else tells me and looks on me like I'm a slut, and though conciously I hope I'm not I agree with everyone.

I just can't lose him and so to demean myself by getting what little part of himself he can afford to me I am satiated for the time being.. it doesn't mean that I am happy but when I am with him, I just think, me and him time stops and I am very happy in a silent content kind of way.

I just kinda know I might be getting played, maybe if I let my brain wander into not thinking the best optimistically about a person, but that saying 'better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all' is now my heartstrings motto. I am in a catch 22, a player being played and I just have to sit in the doldrums of time and wait.

But while I wait I ask, why does love have to be made so complex that it hurts and yet is great at the same time? Answer me stupid!

Signing off,
Twisted sad lover of loves

Cannabis

First time is a tripp. If done right feels really good. Second time is awkward. Third time is funny and I'm hungry. Fourth time I'm at work waiting for Cay. Make joking promises about luis ha! Fifth day straight daze, worry. Rev grounds me. Rain and lightning, car and static. My past two weeks have gone by in a speedy race, I only have one thing that grounded me, and it was Rev. He saved me from a weed, ever slowly trickleing into my head, hurts to pull it out, headaches. But I want to be sober to experience life. So no more mary for me only occasionally and not for another good while.

God I'm so anxious, you know that feeling you get on xmas morning as a young kid with presents all wrapped before your eyes? Well Rev is doing that to me right now he is a present and I don't know if I get him, I sure hope I get another chance.

Revald and Tori, has a ring to it, kinda.

VictoRiA
ReVAld

VVRRAA

Idk what that spells. But I am so obbessed with learning the answer to the epic question that I have blundered over it. I am oblivious!! Owh my head.


RECOVERY PROCESS HURTS MY HEAD!! RAWR!!!!!!
I'M GOING TO SLEEP!

in the midsts of it all

I must say that laying here in my bed with my mind clear of weed for the first time in 7 days I am in turmoil. I am happy that I am finally clear headed. I am shocked at the way my life is unfolding, I was trying to fall away, and a great realization struck, it hit me like a brick, I am in deep like with Revald, and fear I may lose him and if I do, I will be in slight peril but able to move on, though I may not want to I will.

So here I stand, he told me several times and gave me looks of questioning comprehension and all I did was flat out acknowledge and disregard. For one its because I'm an oblivious bitch that can't believe anything good can happen so when it does I act nonchalant.

After almost losing him, (and probably maybe, hopefully not fucking everything up) I think I am going to definitly if I did lose Rev and all the possibilties that come with him, I am going to become very self inverted and become a morman nun who lives off of tree bark for sustanance.

While that is highly exaggerated in physical relations in mental ones not so much. You see out of all the people that I have ever known I let him in and gave him the power to break my heart without even realizing I had. It was just natural. See when I first met him we were on fire, kind of, but we barely saw each other, though I lost connection he still used whatever means possible to find me. He stuck around. He persisted. ;)

And now that I kind of surrender he withdraws, oops have I been here before, I was the one to withdraw, that won't happen again. So I threw my 'demands' down. I told him that I want him as my one and only and now I wait on this epic Romeo story held up by Rev.

He even tries to please me. He made me O twice in 45 min even when I was destracted. Wow! Anyway, I feel so close to him and yet I worry cause he is so far away.

Aside from what I want and what makes me not needy, if he truly ends Us here then I hope he finds some girl that makes him truly happy, and she is every good quality of me and so much more, I wish him the world and happiness 10xs over. So much so that I would help him find her, show him a smile and a stoic face all while trying to make him have the best life if not with me, a true friend in heart I will always be to him.

You know what sucks, waiting on his decision. Waiting to know if my heart will be dusted or inflamed. I care deeply for him, yet in this world I can't show him for that would be needy. So I will play cool and wait all while panicing under my 'complacent' surface.

Goddamn my mind is confudled.

not so wrong

So, this guy I have known for awhile, and let him get to know me, like personally, he just gets me. Like we just click in so many ways. I tried to push him away at first cause I was scared to let anyone get too close besides the given 3 people in my life that know everything. Then I tested just not thinking about it, that worked, I relaxed and didn't care cause what's the worst that could happen, I loose him? Well then we are just friends that talked about everything, and so when we took this next step I didn't think about it, I was just like shit I have been post-poning and at some points dissappearing from him, and he still accepts me. I mess up and we laugh it off, he is just a good friend, and we keep evolving.

So tonight when it rained, it poured, litterally lightning and hammers but all I could think about was cooling him down. And that at this point I don't want to loose him, but I don't want to get too too attached. Look at my predicament

I'm Enchanting.

I've tried to figure it out. Tried to put a finger on why people are drawn to me. I can't so as to save the soul of me. I just go somewhere and BAM, another persons life story. A lot of people divulge themselves to me, I can't say its a bad thing, for I love hearing a new tale. I love to hear life stories that are fun, quirky, sad, momentus, epic, or even just mundane. Quite frequently someone departs there knowledge on me shares there views and emparts wisdom. And I take each sentence with enthusiausm. And I dare say I am left richer for the experience.

Yet still dare it be me to wonder why total strangers approach, or even just long time friends,

If I had a quarter for everytime I heard the sentence ' I don't know why I'm telling you this?,' or my fave, 'I've never told this to anyone but,' I WOULD BE A MILLIONAIR......so As long as people are Drawn to me I'm Enchanting, though I don't know why....

fire and smoke

Breathing fire and exhaling smoke, its starts out small every couple of months I pick it up. I remember the smell. Reminisant for me. Heading back to my childhood, where my mind smells home. Smoke, old leather, and sawdust. Along with old pick-up truck and apple ochards all childhood smells. I was told smell is the strongest key to remembering. I may lose grip here but I bring myself back with a smell. I grew up with cats too, they have a smell....my dog when I first got him, smelt lovely. All smells, I use them to pull me back , so while I stand here and inhale I am now grounded. I remember who I am what I've been through and how I got here. To this moment, picking it up. A habit I mean, of course, I'm told it kills and all I can think is so does every second, humans are created to die, not that I want to but just to prove I won't tomorrow. Me and the camel were cool. Like that commercial from the 50's (JOE COOL). I stood there in the field with my dog and started a pebble rolling. I lit up, took a drag, and held (for a good measure) and now all I can say is that I did it not to be cool, oh no, noone will know, but moreso to ground me. I need a 'me-indulgence' , and so I figure what the hell. I won't be a chain but I could be a packer, every 2-3 days. Save the smell and all I wash thoroughly to diffuse it but I kind of want a bit of it to linger, its keeps my bearings.
I'm a smoker. Not hard core, but 2 packs a week will suffice.

blue starsg

you, you with your ice blue eyes, i awake to your ice cold stare. a deep long in your eyes. the color even snow white could match.holding your head high, teeth glimmering. even you can see my soul, you look past my failures, nay, not to glimpse them, you snuggle with me freely. you fake left start right and i tackle you. if only there were something to tell me youre not perfect, cause hell i know you are, for me at least. you drive me to work, you make me try, you look at me with encouragement and hope, you make me smile, a shit ass grin if i do say so. i wake to you cooing a sweet hum. and all i can say is you are my best friend. i love you. once you read that just think its about my baby boy my glacier my pup my sibe. i love him so much. i cant articulate. hee is the most non judgemental loving creature i have ever known. any dog owner would agree.