So...
After finishing a book that someone dear told me to read and I fluffed it off for a long while,
I have decided that I am going to make an abrupt amount of changes in my life.
First off,
No negative vibes,
Second off,
Self gain in a manner of speaking, should I do it? Why do I always have thoughts unshared with any other person? Why do I feel incomplete,
And why do I miss you so much even when thinking lightly I wish I had just molded perfectly to your form like I do everyone else?
Why is it that when you stumble upon what you want and make the most ballsy move you've ever made in your life, everything seem to be catalysed to amazing happiness, and then the minute you think you finally can grasp it its all taken away and you now find yourself chasing a ghost talking to everyone afraid of what you might have had, and looking back to the very ignighter that you set out for the first time for your own personal gain and wished you could take it back? Funny thing is, my brain is so well advance and so very distinctive at pulling apart every miniscule detail to begin with that, I have found not a soul but one on my level and willing to share their mutual insight and intuition that it suks because I am now too afraid to go back and visit that love so deep that I feel its delirium set in for recourse on my sanity.
See I wish to go back all the way to the beging before I loved you and stop myself, give myself hesitation, tell myself don't jump, not this time, and all I an think is, well, the way my dual mind enables me to. I ant regret for that makes me who I am today, but certain cirumstances; did I really have to go through them?
Did I really need to delve into that scene and why can't I just eraase it all, then a part of me with envy and angst looks to the other variables that could perchance oincide and I see them all too clearly, I see this...
For right now I'm speaking of a specific love,
Not like any of the misguided harlet tales I have left on these pages before.
I see too many variations, like always, and normally they are all chess games to me, pawns moved here and there, but I want this so bad it keeps my ever waking mind from sleep.
Scenario 1
I stop right now fighting for the hope of love I've contained in myself for centuries. I let him be and move on seemlessly through a life that for me, would be like drinking a less than half glass full of vinager flavored wine, not what I want but I can bear it. For my soul won't be content with anything anyway.
Senario 2
stay friends with him, be on the brim of his life and just watch him be happy and could he be happy without me?
Scenario 3
Do what I'm best at and just move on, never forgetting but never showing it hurts. And basically run away.
Scenario 4
Fight caustically for what might be some self escalated delusion just because I think that while I am actually going crazy, I am holding onto some demented piee of false truth and vulgar hope.
So here's the story,
I have always clinged to certain facts, I see a piece of myself in everyone else, that's why I'm so forgiving. Cause I'm so very flawed and people should get automatic forgiveness for only they truly can judge themselves.
Well once again I'm stuck with this one dilema only this time I don't want it to end like all the others, I want to live happily ever after and am truly willing to fight for it. And will. I gave him the power which in fact while I know I shouldn't have, he knew I finally gave it up, he was far more advaned than I was and caught my dumb ass in a trap that now I don't even quite understand if it was of my own delusional making or if he is still actually playing.
I want to go and hide. To run away and not be any thee wiser. Just dull out but for some damn reason I'm drawn to him and uterly repulsed by all the dull air I've been surrounded, he was probably the only one up to par. And I blew it. Starting with that fateless day I sat on his lap and engaged. I was kinda self concious, for no reason, and now I'm in a beautiful mess of the worst kinda mind game. I only think about it when I'm truely alone, everything else comes natural, I'm good at distractions, but when I'm truly alone I wander mentally. Dare say I'm too self absorbed, I am. Funny how noone else sees that, I hide it well behind a deceptive mask of curiousity.
If he could only give me one last kiss and embrace, why was I so demanding? And yet at the same time so eager to change?
I hear true love can make you go crazy, I've been lusting after it for about 7 or so past lifes, and I do say I met my mark, but to know so profoundly and yet not be able to abtain it.
That's a heartbreaker. I'm not iffy on this at all I'm perfectly resolute and so I wish in my soul I could deny it, but substantially soulful I am unregrettable right and it scares me beause I already know my decision and now I am not sure of his.
He left me with love always,
Do I take it to heart?
Or just flake it off and move on?
He's the only person I read that was honest and so its driving me insane to think that my natural knack might have been off, like I do believe I'm crazy.
I am crazy. And all I an nightmare about is the fact that I won't ever have a happy life, its just not the life cut out for me, pure ecstacy can't compare to how much I wish someone would throw me in a loony bin and numb the knowledge I bear in my soul.
Dear fates,
How do I disappear if there is so muh to my destiny that shan't allow my mind to be weak and hurt myself nor bystanders, and why shall I ontinue to function in ease seemlessly fitting in when I want to rebel? And dissappear?
Why has fate saved me from so many possible tradgedies if I'm willing everyone in my presence to be safe why ant you take me? I would sacrifice myself to an unknowing force to save millions and yet I go crazy because I dare to not move on.
Damn if I was only fuked up or high I wouldn't have the patients to think this deep and write my delirium for my own past reference.
I wish to be commited or labotomized.
And yet I will act as thoughnothing is wrong and protect everyone I can from meaningless hazards til I naturally transpire.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
love despair hope love always victoria
"You shoulda just let the van crush me"
I say this to you James.
I've thought in between drunken lullabys and sad whispers about it.
Thought day, and night.
Thought while chasing some big dream and collapsing under salted waves.
I am trying to figure this all out, we were meant to be, supposed to be, used to be somehow.
But it all ceased with my life long dream on the 14th of march, when our lives so intertwined scraped and slid apart.
From the minute I layed eyes on you it was true, you weren't perfect, I felt the need to stay away from you.
For I thought that if anyone were to get hurt tragically losing their heart it would be you.
For I looked for eons for my soulmate, never finding him, but you, I thought I would hurt you and break your heart. And that's when I knew. I knew I had found you.
To see that my drive to keep from hurting you was so profound that I would let myself get hurt in lue of you, twas horriffic.
To say that I'm not afraid of anything is a falacy, for I'm afraid of the dark, silence, people, and being alone, but when I met you I forgot all of those and my one and only fear was losing you, not being able to smell you, not being able to feel you, not hearing your voice, not having you cross my mind. And yet I tried feebly to save what we had, to stop the rip that has torn, funny how when I gave you my heart its like if I could compare it to a wolf they mate once, for life, they find their one and if separated go crazy or die of agony. I think that's where I'm at, now that I have givin you my heart and you accepted it way back when I knew my life would end and begin with you. And I have felt this only for you.
Before I met you I would always have this feeling of of gravity I guess you could call it, no magnetism, like I was pulled in every inch of my body towards someone unknown my mind always cast to someone I couldn't see someone so close yet so far away. And yet I knew with every person I met if it wasn't them. And it wasn't.
But you when I touched your hand, the magnetism calmed it disappeared I was at peace, my mind stopped searching and I was in the eye of the hurricane calm. Life was easy and I gave up to you, I didn't want to hold any secrets I didn't want to lose you I wanted to prove that you could trust me. For I trusted unconditionally, I don't do that with anyone.
You asked if you could manipulate me, I didn't mind fully, utterly, and completely. I saw that we were unseperable. That once we started it would be epic. That I would die for you. And funny thing is, I'm so self sacrificial, in the sense that if someone that's with me wants someone else, I enable them to go, I even help them even though I could be happy and keep them, but knowing they wouldn't be happy would kill me.
So I help them. And then you, I thought I made you so happy, I thought that at the end of the day I completed you, I thought that I was finally allowed to be happy for you made me so happy that I didn't even worry that you weren't I just went along with it, I just saw that sine you made me so happy as long as I made you happy I would be able to keep you.
Funny how when you didn't want me anymore I died, I didn't know what to do or where to go. My heart was givin freely and once givin can't be taken back, weird I know but you and solely you have my heart you can take it whenever touch it love it feel it, always. James E.B. but others not in any of my days that remain.
You know why I fade out of peoples lives?! Everyones life that I touch falls in love with me and I stop them, I don't know why they do, but they do, and I see it. Id do anything for them, but let them hurt their heart on me. For if I don't completely love them they won't ever gain the knowledge that you have.
To say it super natural is absurd but its more about basic dynamics. Find out nonchalantly what someone wants and you obtain their trust their loyalty and honor. And I do that but not for personal gain, no just for personal enrichment it makes my life endeavor more full.
But you I figured sine all these strings I pulled on others worked they should with you, but they didn't. I was intriegued lost and in allure, swept away. All because of your ability to resist my swooning.
I compare a quote of twilight to us but by namesake their are two roads we can dance down,
James and Victoria
Or
Edward and Bella
Its like I could compare you to both, fierce like james and sinere like edward.
And I enduring and resiliant like victoria and selfless and stubborn like bella.
But I'm not even sure I know where to begin.
I've been frieghtened by you, by losing you, I can't help it, I need and want you but one when I was so sure now not so much I need to hold you need to have you but don't think I ever will. I keep seeing signs for us, when I finally think I moved on.....
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but now I know I never will. I wish that I could tell you my ignorant attempts to move on so futile, brad, and everyone. I got rid of brittany, you know lol
But not till after she broke my heart, slept with my ex just cause she could I don't dare think of him seriously, he was my distraction from you and well he did just that distract with all of his drama of cheating and guilt trips.
I felt you last time I tripped on e I felt you so close I wore your necklace that night before I knew id be tripping on e. It was 6pm and I was getting ready to go out, and our vase dropped the necklace falling out and I pictured when you put it on my neck, so I put it on. Then I went partying, saved that night by a guardian, I didn't get attacked I talked my way out of a dark lit parking lot and back to the house though he had already push me against a tree.I got home and was safe, eric came by a married man, a friend of courts and I was just like hey and he goes want this e. Then I tripped on e and sunk into my blanket after wanting you so bad. I closed my eyes alone and felt your kiss. Why the torment to open my eyes and your not there?
I still where my necklace from you. 4 days. And I can't bare to remove it this time. Held to the past mentally this is a physical manifestation.
Will I ever feel your touch the one that sets my soul at ease, probably not but I wish, hope, dream.
If only if only you could grasp me.
I miss and will miss you for eternity.
Summers end you might return. Can I have you? Please.
Love always, victoria
I say this to you James.
I've thought in between drunken lullabys and sad whispers about it.
Thought day, and night.
Thought while chasing some big dream and collapsing under salted waves.
I am trying to figure this all out, we were meant to be, supposed to be, used to be somehow.
But it all ceased with my life long dream on the 14th of march, when our lives so intertwined scraped and slid apart.
From the minute I layed eyes on you it was true, you weren't perfect, I felt the need to stay away from you.
For I thought that if anyone were to get hurt tragically losing their heart it would be you.
For I looked for eons for my soulmate, never finding him, but you, I thought I would hurt you and break your heart. And that's when I knew. I knew I had found you.
To see that my drive to keep from hurting you was so profound that I would let myself get hurt in lue of you, twas horriffic.
To say that I'm not afraid of anything is a falacy, for I'm afraid of the dark, silence, people, and being alone, but when I met you I forgot all of those and my one and only fear was losing you, not being able to smell you, not being able to feel you, not hearing your voice, not having you cross my mind. And yet I tried feebly to save what we had, to stop the rip that has torn, funny how when I gave you my heart its like if I could compare it to a wolf they mate once, for life, they find their one and if separated go crazy or die of agony. I think that's where I'm at, now that I have givin you my heart and you accepted it way back when I knew my life would end and begin with you. And I have felt this only for you.
Before I met you I would always have this feeling of of gravity I guess you could call it, no magnetism, like I was pulled in every inch of my body towards someone unknown my mind always cast to someone I couldn't see someone so close yet so far away. And yet I knew with every person I met if it wasn't them. And it wasn't.
But you when I touched your hand, the magnetism calmed it disappeared I was at peace, my mind stopped searching and I was in the eye of the hurricane calm. Life was easy and I gave up to you, I didn't want to hold any secrets I didn't want to lose you I wanted to prove that you could trust me. For I trusted unconditionally, I don't do that with anyone.
You asked if you could manipulate me, I didn't mind fully, utterly, and completely. I saw that we were unseperable. That once we started it would be epic. That I would die for you. And funny thing is, I'm so self sacrificial, in the sense that if someone that's with me wants someone else, I enable them to go, I even help them even though I could be happy and keep them, but knowing they wouldn't be happy would kill me.
So I help them. And then you, I thought I made you so happy, I thought that at the end of the day I completed you, I thought that I was finally allowed to be happy for you made me so happy that I didn't even worry that you weren't I just went along with it, I just saw that sine you made me so happy as long as I made you happy I would be able to keep you.
Funny how when you didn't want me anymore I died, I didn't know what to do or where to go. My heart was givin freely and once givin can't be taken back, weird I know but you and solely you have my heart you can take it whenever touch it love it feel it, always. James E.B. but others not in any of my days that remain.
You know why I fade out of peoples lives?! Everyones life that I touch falls in love with me and I stop them, I don't know why they do, but they do, and I see it. Id do anything for them, but let them hurt their heart on me. For if I don't completely love them they won't ever gain the knowledge that you have.
To say it super natural is absurd but its more about basic dynamics. Find out nonchalantly what someone wants and you obtain their trust their loyalty and honor. And I do that but not for personal gain, no just for personal enrichment it makes my life endeavor more full.
But you I figured sine all these strings I pulled on others worked they should with you, but they didn't. I was intriegued lost and in allure, swept away. All because of your ability to resist my swooning.
I compare a quote of twilight to us but by namesake their are two roads we can dance down,
James and Victoria
Or
Edward and Bella
Its like I could compare you to both, fierce like james and sinere like edward.
And I enduring and resiliant like victoria and selfless and stubborn like bella.
But I'm not even sure I know where to begin.
I've been frieghtened by you, by losing you, I can't help it, I need and want you but one when I was so sure now not so much I need to hold you need to have you but don't think I ever will. I keep seeing signs for us, when I finally think I moved on.....
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but now I know I never will. I wish that I could tell you my ignorant attempts to move on so futile, brad, and everyone. I got rid of brittany, you know lol
But not till after she broke my heart, slept with my ex just cause she could I don't dare think of him seriously, he was my distraction from you and well he did just that distract with all of his drama of cheating and guilt trips.
I felt you last time I tripped on e I felt you so close I wore your necklace that night before I knew id be tripping on e. It was 6pm and I was getting ready to go out, and our vase dropped the necklace falling out and I pictured when you put it on my neck, so I put it on. Then I went partying, saved that night by a guardian, I didn't get attacked I talked my way out of a dark lit parking lot and back to the house though he had already push me against a tree.I got home and was safe, eric came by a married man, a friend of courts and I was just like hey and he goes want this e. Then I tripped on e and sunk into my blanket after wanting you so bad. I closed my eyes alone and felt your kiss. Why the torment to open my eyes and your not there?
I still where my necklace from you. 4 days. And I can't bare to remove it this time. Held to the past mentally this is a physical manifestation.
Will I ever feel your touch the one that sets my soul at ease, probably not but I wish, hope, dream.
If only if only you could grasp me.
I miss and will miss you for eternity.
Summers end you might return. Can I have you? Please.
Love always, victoria
Sunday, November 22, 2009
DEAR GRANDMA
Hey, I miss you. I wished for you on your birthday. I'm writing to you for clarity. I wish you were here. I need someone to talk to...
Grams, I need advice. I love T T.
But I found the most amazing man. He is a dork. He is a good man. And I can love him. I knew that from the moment I met him. Hell I acted it. When Brit drew on his face with eyeliner, I naturally nuturingly wiped it off, he let me.
He makes me think he is weird sometimes, I'm being honest. But I look past it. Everyones got there faults. He is now my boyfriend. He is sweet, caring, responsive, loving, and has ASSets lol he fills out his pants lol I wish you were here in front of me so I could talk to you about him.
There is one problem. I have faults too. And I could see him falling in love with me, and I had a thought after seeing T tonight. That while I love R I stupidly love T. Fuck.
I am going to push that aside cause while I want T its stupid, cause I want R to, but in a loving soft way.
Like I feel he is one of those good guys I stayed away from as to not hurt them. Cause I didn't think I deserved someone to treat me good. I love R. I've only known him for almost 1 month, my time flys. I want to tell him I love him at times.
So I wanted to know, my inner conflict is to bail and save him from too much pain for hopes that T will catch me. I can see Robert now and be content. And loving, and loved. And I know my Choice. As I type you. I know I'm going to choose R and hope I can be worthy of him. But still I think stupidly T is my soulmate. I'm a moron, you know what R would say, "No, your not." Smile.
I love him. I want to tell him. Why do I fall so fast. Damn sleeves. R I love you. Easy as that. Gosh. I am so confuddled.
So here is my life with R, boyfriend, girlfriend. Tenderly loving, pleased, pleasing, carressing, intimate mentally, caring, devoted, loyal, compassion, sincere heart. Husband, wife. Well lived life ful-filled.
Life with T, somehow Epic. I don't know. Mystery.
Stuper, psuedo-love. Tempting, its mystery.
Goddamn.
Robert, I made a promise to you when I said we were BF/GF. I said exclusive. Noone else. And you said fine you have held true. I have too physically, but till now not my mind. I'm sorry. My mind is yours truly, we will run our course. For good. You. Me. You & Me. I love you Robert, you Dork. Shit,
thoughts ablaze, I need your warmth on my skin, need your breath on my neck, need your hand in mine, I'm so cold, and you're always so warm. I need you to come here, and ask me what I'm thinking; You.
So dear Grandma, thank you for reading. And your suddle trinkleings of wisdom. Words can't explain.
Grandma, I love you. I miss you.
Maybe someday we will be strong enough for me to show you this R.
Grams, I need advice. I love T T.
But I found the most amazing man. He is a dork. He is a good man. And I can love him. I knew that from the moment I met him. Hell I acted it. When Brit drew on his face with eyeliner, I naturally nuturingly wiped it off, he let me.
He makes me think he is weird sometimes, I'm being honest. But I look past it. Everyones got there faults. He is now my boyfriend. He is sweet, caring, responsive, loving, and has ASSets lol he fills out his pants lol I wish you were here in front of me so I could talk to you about him.
There is one problem. I have faults too. And I could see him falling in love with me, and I had a thought after seeing T tonight. That while I love R I stupidly love T. Fuck.
I am going to push that aside cause while I want T its stupid, cause I want R to, but in a loving soft way.
Like I feel he is one of those good guys I stayed away from as to not hurt them. Cause I didn't think I deserved someone to treat me good. I love R. I've only known him for almost 1 month, my time flys. I want to tell him I love him at times.
So I wanted to know, my inner conflict is to bail and save him from too much pain for hopes that T will catch me. I can see Robert now and be content. And loving, and loved. And I know my Choice. As I type you. I know I'm going to choose R and hope I can be worthy of him. But still I think stupidly T is my soulmate. I'm a moron, you know what R would say, "No, your not." Smile.
I love him. I want to tell him. Why do I fall so fast. Damn sleeves. R I love you. Easy as that. Gosh. I am so confuddled.
So here is my life with R, boyfriend, girlfriend. Tenderly loving, pleased, pleasing, carressing, intimate mentally, caring, devoted, loyal, compassion, sincere heart. Husband, wife. Well lived life ful-filled.
Life with T, somehow Epic. I don't know. Mystery.
Stuper, psuedo-love. Tempting, its mystery.
Goddamn.
Robert, I made a promise to you when I said we were BF/GF. I said exclusive. Noone else. And you said fine you have held true. I have too physically, but till now not my mind. I'm sorry. My mind is yours truly, we will run our course. For good. You. Me. You & Me. I love you Robert, you Dork. Shit,
thoughts ablaze, I need your warmth on my skin, need your breath on my neck, need your hand in mine, I'm so cold, and you're always so warm. I need you to come here, and ask me what I'm thinking; You.
So dear Grandma, thank you for reading. And your suddle trinkleings of wisdom. Words can't explain.
Grandma, I love you. I miss you.
Maybe someday we will be strong enough for me to show you this R.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
people deserved
See, outside of home people see, and accept my flaws, they are imperfections that reflect my soul.
So when I see others imperfections and faulters, I look past them. They deserve an undying chance to prove themselves wrong and do something right, to the way they have to live and survive.
Pobody's Nerfect! And so Nobody's Perfect!
(saw that on a sign of a church, ironic huh for some1 who doesn't believe church is right)
So I say to all those who don't think they are worth a damn, I did at one point, you are no matter what people say.
See I have huge flaws and yet as long as I 'doll up, and smoothed out, while highly guarded' the world will only skim the surface...
So when I see others imperfections and faulters, I look past them. They deserve an undying chance to prove themselves wrong and do something right, to the way they have to live and survive.
Pobody's Nerfect! And so Nobody's Perfect!
(saw that on a sign of a church, ironic huh for some1 who doesn't believe church is right)
So I say to all those who don't think they are worth a damn, I did at one point, you are no matter what people say.
See I have huge flaws and yet as long as I 'doll up, and smoothed out, while highly guarded' the world will only skim the surface...
loves intamacy
I'm so sad! I love Rv, stupidly though he only uses me for sex. I fret he may have given me something, but I also have my period so I'm uncertain. He says he hasn't been with anyone since me. And I am honestly believing him, though he keeps asking me if I've been with anyone, maybe he just knows me.
I have three other guys I'm interested in.
G, my hopeful future. All we do is hangout like friends, he pays I pay even though he doesn't want me to and then I pay again...lol
R, my navy man, harry potter if you will an epic nerd. He is who I make dinner for and cuddle and spend my nights relaxing with. We haven't given title to us. He is so sweet, has constant bad breath, and is always there.
Then there is T <3 my what if. He, when I see him my heart soars does flips and scales mountains while skipping its beats. And I don't know why. He is the only guy that happens around, and we were unrequited loves at one point but now we are just friends. So I'm not sure even where my life is going now....I'm so confuddled and I told him and yet he said he doesn't deserve that. That he is no one special. Dare I know that if I can be such a faultered person and people still accept me miraculously why can't I him?
I want T, I moronically love Rv, I see a future with G, and R is just here. What do I do?
I have three other guys I'm interested in.
G, my hopeful future. All we do is hangout like friends, he pays I pay even though he doesn't want me to and then I pay again...lol
R, my navy man, harry potter if you will an epic nerd. He is who I make dinner for and cuddle and spend my nights relaxing with. We haven't given title to us. He is so sweet, has constant bad breath, and is always there.
Then there is T <3 my what if. He, when I see him my heart soars does flips and scales mountains while skipping its beats. And I don't know why. He is the only guy that happens around, and we were unrequited loves at one point but now we are just friends. So I'm not sure even where my life is going now....I'm so confuddled and I told him and yet he said he doesn't deserve that. That he is no one special. Dare I know that if I can be such a faultered person and people still accept me miraculously why can't I him?
I want T, I moronically love Rv, I see a future with G, and R is just here. What do I do?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So! So! So!
I write here for my clarity, if I state some vulgarity that might make your bones quiver and your stomach nausious dare not continue to read. Not for the faint of heart or faint of peversity, though its natural and not perverse some may incinuate that it is.
This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.
Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.
He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.
I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol
He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.
He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.
In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.
In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL
Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?
I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'
I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'
He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'
I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'
He said 'Sorry, bout...'
Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.
I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'
He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'
I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'
I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'
I said 'Mmmmm'
Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.
I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.
I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.
Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.
Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....
This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.
Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.
He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.
I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol
He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.
He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.
In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.
In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL
Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?
I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'
I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'
He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'
I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'
He said 'Sorry, bout...'
Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.
I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'
He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'
I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'
I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'
I said 'Mmmmm'
Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.
I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.
I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.
Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.
Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....
Sunday, October 25, 2009
infatuation
To divert my mind off of what I want I was told to grow an infatuation. So here it is, instead of throwing someone into my mind I am throwing my mind into excersize and reading twilight. I am also not going to flake on my goal. I am going to join the navy in 2010 on my 20th birthday, I know that if I do, I will be a lifer. 20+ years. I don't know how my life will turn out but I don't want to be a fluff.
Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed
Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed
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