DEAR GRANDMA

Hey, I miss you. I wished for you on your birthday. I'm writing to you for clarity. I wish you were here. I need someone to talk to...

Grams, I need advice. I love T T.

But I found the most amazing man. He is a dork. He is a good man. And I can love him. I knew that from the moment I met him. Hell I acted it. When Brit drew on his face with eyeliner, I naturally nuturingly wiped it off, he let me.

He makes me think he is weird sometimes, I'm being honest. But I look past it. Everyones got there faults. He is now my boyfriend. He is sweet, caring, responsive, loving, and has ASSets lol he fills out his pants lol I wish you were here in front of me so I could talk to you about him.

There is one problem. I have faults too. And I could see him falling in love with me, and I had a thought after seeing T tonight. That while I love R I stupidly love T. Fuck.

I am going to push that aside cause while I want T its stupid, cause I want R to, but in a loving soft way.

Like I feel he is one of those good guys I stayed away from as to not hurt them. Cause I didn't think I deserved someone to treat me good. I love R. I've only known him for almost 1 month, my time flys. I want to tell him I love him at times.

So I wanted to know, my inner conflict is to bail and save him from too much pain for hopes that T will catch me. I can see Robert now and be content. And loving, and loved. And I know my Choice. As I type you. I know I'm going to choose R and hope I can be worthy of him. But still I think stupidly T is my soulmate. I'm a moron, you know what R would say, "No, your not." Smile.

I love him. I want to tell him. Why do I fall so fast. Damn sleeves. R I love you. Easy as that. Gosh. I am so confuddled.

So here is my life with R, boyfriend, girlfriend. Tenderly loving, pleased, pleasing, carressing, intimate mentally, caring, devoted, loyal, compassion, sincere heart. Husband, wife. Well lived life ful-filled.

Life with T, somehow Epic. I don't know. Mystery.
Stuper, psuedo-love. Tempting, its mystery.
Goddamn.

Robert, I made a promise to you when I said we were BF/GF. I said exclusive. Noone else. And you said fine you have held true. I have too physically, but till now not my mind. I'm sorry. My mind is yours truly, we will run our course. For good. You. Me. You & Me. I love you Robert, you Dork. Shit,

thoughts ablaze, I need your warmth on my skin, need your breath on my neck, need your hand in mine, I'm so cold, and you're always so warm. I need you to come here, and ask me what I'm thinking; You.

So dear Grandma, thank you for reading. And your suddle trinkleings of wisdom. Words can't explain.

Grandma, I love you. I miss you.

Maybe someday we will be strong enough for me to show you this R.

people deserved

See, outside of home people see, and accept my flaws, they are imperfections that reflect my soul.

So when I see others imperfections and faulters, I look past them. They deserve an undying chance to prove themselves wrong and do something right, to the way they have to live and survive.

Pobody's Nerfect! And so Nobody's Perfect!

(saw that on a sign of a church, ironic huh for some1 who doesn't believe church is right)

So I say to all those who don't think they are worth a damn, I did at one point, you are no matter what people say.

See I have huge flaws and yet as long as I 'doll up, and smoothed out, while highly guarded' the world will only skim the surface...

loves intamacy

I'm so sad! I love Rv, stupidly though he only uses me for sex. I fret he may have given me something, but I also have my period so I'm uncertain. He says he hasn't been with anyone since me. And I am honestly believing him, though he keeps asking me if I've been with anyone, maybe he just knows me.

I have three other guys I'm interested in.

G, my hopeful future. All we do is hangout like friends, he pays I pay even though he doesn't want me to and then I pay again...lol

R, my navy man, harry potter if you will an epic nerd. He is who I make dinner for and cuddle and spend my nights relaxing with. We haven't given title to us. He is so sweet, has constant bad breath, and is always there.

Then there is T <3 my what if. He, when I see him my heart soars does flips and scales mountains while skipping its beats. And I don't know why. He is the only guy that happens around, and we were unrequited loves at one point but now we are just friends. So I'm not sure even where my life is going now....I'm so confuddled and I told him and yet he said he doesn't deserve that. That he is no one special. Dare I know that if I can be such a faultered person and people still accept me miraculously why can't I him?

I want T, I moronically love Rv, I see a future with G, and R is just here. What do I do?

So! So! So!

I write here for my clarity, if I state some vulgarity that might make your bones quiver and your stomach nausious dare not continue to read. Not for the faint of heart or faint of peversity, though its natural and not perverse some may incinuate that it is.

This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.

Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.

He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.

I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol

He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.

He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.

In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.

In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL

Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?

I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'

I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'

He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'

I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'

He said 'Sorry, bout...'

Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.

I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'

He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'

I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'

I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'

I said 'Mmmmm'

Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.

I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.

I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.

Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.

Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....

infatuation

To divert my mind off of what I want I was told to grow an infatuation. So here it is, instead of throwing someone into my mind I am throwing my mind into excersize and reading twilight. I am also not going to flake on my goal. I am going to join the navy in 2010 on my 20th birthday, I know that if I do, I will be a lifer. 20+ years. I don't know how my life will turn out but I don't want to be a fluff.

Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.

Fingers crossed

Gentleman, Gentleman Gentleman please lend me your ear!

So I just had an arrogant (to some) cocky (to most) yet honest (to all) epiphany!

See you know those stories, the ones your mom tells you about girls. The warnings about some girls, well men your in for a treat, because hell if I was to stupid to realize it till now,

I am the perfect woman.
I am the one in story after story of warnings.
I'm the one mom says watch out for.
Why you ask?
I'm adaptable.
I'm enthusiastic.
I'm a nympho.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a lover.
I'm a mind fucker.
I'm innocent.
I'm cunning.
I'm everyones sweetheart.

How you say?

I learn you, I read you like a book and I take chalk to board and scribble notes.
Set out my tactics and reel you in.
I don't do this to just anyone, you have to be a real man,

Honest to painful truth;
You have to be broken.
You have to be stressed.
You have to be animalistic.
You have to be hopelessly glimmering.
You have to be deprived.
You have to be in need or have a void.
Why?
I like interesting projects, things that are inticate, always alluring, and yet graspably out of grasp.

I am that transitional girl the one that appears and disappears when she so chooseths.

I meld into your life so fine when I'm there that you find yourself getting all too kosher, too safe around me. And while there is no risk but your heart, itsz a pretty steep one at that.

I enjoy watching your quirks, I'm intranced by your scent and all the while me just being here drives you crazy.

Gentleman #1
For you I am your liason. An escort, in your car. A long time practice fuck. You stare at me with deep meaning and scorn me with your words.

Gentleman #2
For you I lay back, and enjoy the scene. I am the reaction to your action. I am your late night mistress. And yet you show a slight concern, 'wait Ill drive you home' don't go nowhere.' Or 'how are you getting to work?'

Gentleman #3
I am your future everything you hold dear and hope for that's me. I am the long term kind. The till death unwedded girl. I am the possibility.

So I sit here with all my adaptions and think why can't I find a permanent place. Some call it home, others call it your arms. I dream vaguely of you. I hold you to hope. But to dare touch a candle of reality to me would be toxic.
For I am what you want me to be. A blank canvas.

I will be your everything. Just because I wish to know you. If I'm interested you're lost.

So when you hear that story think twice and act seductive to get you're way. I am a doll like I've been saying. Wind me up. Dolls suck ass.

lessons gained and lives changed

In my epic quest to match someones soul I found my soul in the sanctity of a friend, I found that love can be plutonic in a friend and that if it is meaningful stupid shit doesn't matter. She is a best friend that my be a twin sister split at birth. I know that it may seem weird but fuck it! 'Family' gets on your nerves and you still love 'em. 'Sisters' are just the same, see I smoke weed with her in all honesty and so we talked about the guys that we are endlessly scorned by eand yet like they are our liqiud 'coke'. I can't help that I fell in in what feels like love with a dog that promised himself to another girl, and has me on the side. He told me today, after I basically said it that he is 'Washingtons' boyfriend when she is home and my fuck buddy and friend (if you could call it that) when she is in DC at college. Fuck if it hurts. Fuck if it feels good. Shit I say, her drug is a man that is engaged, only difference is she knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't know my lsworn bestfriend' had a girlfriend. I don't want to be that girl in love with that guy who is sworn to his beloved but I let my guards down and trusted the wrong smooth operater. I just want someone so in writing this I was inkling a thought on the gravel outside the bar that I frequent Friday nights and so I will take one last time, steal it from him and not give it back, sorrows goodbye. I don't say goodbye but to him I will. My one goodbye. I can't say that I won't trust to love again for it would be a falasy but to my sorrow I know that there will be another someday just not soon. So here I sit learned that I love my friends they teach me the world over to love and that's all I can ask for. Love lost, love held love tomorrow love today live forever and eternity. I will enjoy life and friends.

So to learn to relax and love is what I have. So I sit here at the bar, with friends, no guy to hold and I am content, hurt soul deep but thabnkful to have loved and learned. Shit! :)(:

message to the world about my sad predicament

So I was faced with a self inflicted ultimatum, one oi so obnoixiously thought would work on the only man who ever had enough balls to get close enough and stay close only to be able to win the ability to crush me and bring me down to tears and a puddle in 2 seconds if he so chooses. I told him I wanted him, all of him, that I was being selfish and there were to be no other girls for him or guys for me. And that I wanted to be his girl his only girl. And he said if I knew him at all that wouldn't matter. What I was saying because he was already mine. But I was oblivious stupid and am retarded so as to differentiate between him just fucking me to get off or if that 3 hrs is for me. I love him and I don't think I'm confusing it with sex because I can get sex anywhere but I can't get another Revald.

So I proclaim that I am a moron and others that think they know my situation are either completely right and I'm a dolt or completely wrong and I'm a dolt. I tried to be strong and do what my bro and sis said but I couldn't I was to weak, I needed Rev and if the only way I could get him was to submit myself to 3 or more hr love making then so be it. I am a weak person!

It sucks cause although I hope he is just saying that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because I am a moron that he wants to teach a lesson or because he is too busy working 45-50 hrs a week plus full time college, to have to worry about a girlfriend. But at the end of the day I reduce myself to worrying that he values me more then a fuck, for when I need someone to save me he is always there.... but everyone else tells me and looks on me like I'm a slut, and though conciously I hope I'm not I agree with everyone.

I just can't lose him and so to demean myself by getting what little part of himself he can afford to me I am satiated for the time being.. it doesn't mean that I am happy but when I am with him, I just think, me and him time stops and I am very happy in a silent content kind of way.

I just kinda know I might be getting played, maybe if I let my brain wander into not thinking the best optimistically about a person, but that saying 'better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all' is now my heartstrings motto. I am in a catch 22, a player being played and I just have to sit in the doldrums of time and wait.

But while I wait I ask, why does love have to be made so complex that it hurts and yet is great at the same time? Answer me stupid!

Signing off,
Twisted sad lover of loves

Cannabis

First time is a tripp. If done right feels really good. Second time is awkward. Third time is funny and I'm hungry. Fourth time I'm at work waiting for Cay. Make joking promises about luis ha! Fifth day straight daze, worry. Rev grounds me. Rain and lightning, car and static. My past two weeks have gone by in a speedy race, I only have one thing that grounded me, and it was Rev. He saved me from a weed, ever slowly trickleing into my head, hurts to pull it out, headaches. But I want to be sober to experience life. So no more mary for me only occasionally and not for another good while.

God I'm so anxious, you know that feeling you get on xmas morning as a young kid with presents all wrapped before your eyes? Well Rev is doing that to me right now he is a present and I don't know if I get him, I sure hope I get another chance.

Revald and Tori, has a ring to it, kinda.

VictoRiA
ReVAld

VVRRAA

Idk what that spells. But I am so obbessed with learning the answer to the epic question that I have blundered over it. I am oblivious!! Owh my head.


RECOVERY PROCESS HURTS MY HEAD!! RAWR!!!!!!
I'M GOING TO SLEEP!

in the midsts of it all

I must say that laying here in my bed with my mind clear of weed for the first time in 7 days I am in turmoil. I am happy that I am finally clear headed. I am shocked at the way my life is unfolding, I was trying to fall away, and a great realization struck, it hit me like a brick, I am in deep like with Revald, and fear I may lose him and if I do, I will be in slight peril but able to move on, though I may not want to I will.

So here I stand, he told me several times and gave me looks of questioning comprehension and all I did was flat out acknowledge and disregard. For one its because I'm an oblivious bitch that can't believe anything good can happen so when it does I act nonchalant.

After almost losing him, (and probably maybe, hopefully not fucking everything up) I think I am going to definitly if I did lose Rev and all the possibilties that come with him, I am going to become very self inverted and become a morman nun who lives off of tree bark for sustanance.

While that is highly exaggerated in physical relations in mental ones not so much. You see out of all the people that I have ever known I let him in and gave him the power to break my heart without even realizing I had. It was just natural. See when I first met him we were on fire, kind of, but we barely saw each other, though I lost connection he still used whatever means possible to find me. He stuck around. He persisted. ;)

And now that I kind of surrender he withdraws, oops have I been here before, I was the one to withdraw, that won't happen again. So I threw my 'demands' down. I told him that I want him as my one and only and now I wait on this epic Romeo story held up by Rev.

He even tries to please me. He made me O twice in 45 min even when I was destracted. Wow! Anyway, I feel so close to him and yet I worry cause he is so far away.

Aside from what I want and what makes me not needy, if he truly ends Us here then I hope he finds some girl that makes him truly happy, and she is every good quality of me and so much more, I wish him the world and happiness 10xs over. So much so that I would help him find her, show him a smile and a stoic face all while trying to make him have the best life if not with me, a true friend in heart I will always be to him.

You know what sucks, waiting on his decision. Waiting to know if my heart will be dusted or inflamed. I care deeply for him, yet in this world I can't show him for that would be needy. So I will play cool and wait all while panicing under my 'complacent' surface.

Goddamn my mind is confudled.

not so wrong

So, this guy I have known for awhile, and let him get to know me, like personally, he just gets me. Like we just click in so many ways. I tried to push him away at first cause I was scared to let anyone get too close besides the given 3 people in my life that know everything. Then I tested just not thinking about it, that worked, I relaxed and didn't care cause what's the worst that could happen, I loose him? Well then we are just friends that talked about everything, and so when we took this next step I didn't think about it, I was just like shit I have been post-poning and at some points dissappearing from him, and he still accepts me. I mess up and we laugh it off, he is just a good friend, and we keep evolving.

So tonight when it rained, it poured, litterally lightning and hammers but all I could think about was cooling him down. And that at this point I don't want to loose him, but I don't want to get too too attached. Look at my predicament

I'm Enchanting.

I've tried to figure it out. Tried to put a finger on why people are drawn to me. I can't so as to save the soul of me. I just go somewhere and BAM, another persons life story. A lot of people divulge themselves to me, I can't say its a bad thing, for I love hearing a new tale. I love to hear life stories that are fun, quirky, sad, momentus, epic, or even just mundane. Quite frequently someone departs there knowledge on me shares there views and emparts wisdom. And I take each sentence with enthusiausm. And I dare say I am left richer for the experience.

Yet still dare it be me to wonder why total strangers approach, or even just long time friends,

If I had a quarter for everytime I heard the sentence ' I don't know why I'm telling you this?,' or my fave, 'I've never told this to anyone but,' I WOULD BE A MILLIONAIR......so As long as people are Drawn to me I'm Enchanting, though I don't know why....

fire and smoke

Breathing fire and exhaling smoke, its starts out small every couple of months I pick it up. I remember the smell. Reminisant for me. Heading back to my childhood, where my mind smells home. Smoke, old leather, and sawdust. Along with old pick-up truck and apple ochards all childhood smells. I was told smell is the strongest key to remembering. I may lose grip here but I bring myself back with a smell. I grew up with cats too, they have a smell....my dog when I first got him, smelt lovely. All smells, I use them to pull me back , so while I stand here and inhale I am now grounded. I remember who I am what I've been through and how I got here. To this moment, picking it up. A habit I mean, of course, I'm told it kills and all I can think is so does every second, humans are created to die, not that I want to but just to prove I won't tomorrow. Me and the camel were cool. Like that commercial from the 50's (JOE COOL). I stood there in the field with my dog and started a pebble rolling. I lit up, took a drag, and held (for a good measure) and now all I can say is that I did it not to be cool, oh no, noone will know, but moreso to ground me. I need a 'me-indulgence' , and so I figure what the hell. I won't be a chain but I could be a packer, every 2-3 days. Save the smell and all I wash thoroughly to diffuse it but I kind of want a bit of it to linger, its keeps my bearings.
I'm a smoker. Not hard core, but 2 packs a week will suffice.

blue starsg

you, you with your ice blue eyes, i awake to your ice cold stare. a deep long in your eyes. the color even snow white could match.holding your head high, teeth glimmering. even you can see my soul, you look past my failures, nay, not to glimpse them, you snuggle with me freely. you fake left start right and i tackle you. if only there were something to tell me youre not perfect, cause hell i know you are, for me at least. you drive me to work, you make me try, you look at me with encouragement and hope, you make me smile, a shit ass grin if i do say so. i wake to you cooing a sweet hum. and all i can say is you are my best friend. i love you. once you read that just think its about my baby boy my glacier my pup my sibe. i love him so much. i cant articulate. hee is the most non judgemental loving creature i have ever known. any dog owner would agree.

Nymphomaniac am I?

Dare i say this, oh i do. so here is my proclamation, i hear guys get good rapport all the time for going on fucking sprees if you will, and they only to be hi fived and labled experience, getting more promissory stares from cats on the prowl. but a girl if she likes to have some good sex everymore than once awhile shes defiled, labled a whore and just shy of a cruixifix

this so called friend

this friend that i have started hanging out with more by force than choice at first, now by pity, is obbsesive, ill, delussional, and aggravating at best of times. she is 8 years my senior and apparently lacks the ability i have to make friends. she threatens she obbsesses she toys, and none too cunningly. why might you ask do i continue to pollute my social arena with the like of her, 2 reasons. reason number one, she goes to a bar after work, that a guy that i could want to get to know working there, also its like they kinda treat you like family, once you hang out there, you are a part of it. esspecially if you go back every night cause your friend has an obbession and become a regular. reason 2 which i wont ever forget, the second night i went back with her the owner came up to me shook my hand, clapped me on the back and said i am so glad megan finally has a friend. poor woman. i am a woman of only 19 and even i am not that antisocial. i am getting very irrate by her now thiough, and her normmal aggitations bother me superbly now. i am trying to slowly make her unwind or be better at being social, or whatever, before i bail. but to no avail, she is like an old dog too far gone and fucked up. dont get me wrong she has her good moments but they under weigh the bad by far, she lost her sense of self somewhere and seems unable to change, dare i hope that not me in 8 years.

THE BEGINIG AS IT WERE (8-19-09)

to judge me by how i am first percieved would be a self incured limitation. for i am much more than what circumstance has divulged itself before your eyes. i constantly change grow and reestablish my persona to fit my situation, i might be stressed, tired overstimulated, distracted, meandering in thoughtj at my worst yet at my best i am a fun, happy, enthusiastic, outgoing, optimistic, chara

t