Inner turmoil still remains, though I do speak up a bit more now when something bothers me. Im learning to care harder for myself again. I didnt really care before. for about a yr. or actually since I was born. I have a good long vivid memory. shit end of the stick? Ive always cared about finding my soulmate. I think that if anyone can do it, its me. Ive dreamed of him since I was 6mnths old; impossible it seems to say that but I just all I can remember is a final kiss, the memory I had since I was a baby. It wasnt mine. It was borrowed from someone elses mind, how could a 6month old baby long for an unrecuited love. Ive always felt my emotions so strong. thats probably why I learned to keep them tight under riegns of porcelain perfection. noone knows when Im hurting. unless you look me straight in the eyes at a moment of ungaurded longing. I miss those fantasies I had. sad part is. its like the minute I met Rob, my fantasies were meshed with him. the blurred touches of my fantasy man became his touches. and everything he said I also remember, or knew was going to be said. looking into his eyes. I found a part of me. he fixed me in a way.........
17 days till boot camp.
so I quit working with Rev. I quit our mockery of a friendship as well. he just wanted me as a 'sex toy' stupid albanian bastard. he said i failed him. oh well. I do miss talking to him. he would always set me straight. till he just wanted sex. bum. say no and i become the enemy. oh well.
met amanda's oldest friend maybe...his name is yet again Rob.its strange. fucken goddamn Robs once you been Robbed you gotta stick with bob. or at least thats what it seems. she calls him RobbieZ so for no confusion sake, he is RZ
so amanda told us not to fuck. told me to back off. I had made no moves for him. we hit it off, like good friends, stayed up chit chatting in the same bed for the first 3 nights we new eachother. I liked him charismatically, he was a breath of fresh air. an innocent. a kind sweetheart. a good guy. a talkative friend. at some point I asked him if we could cuddle, and for him to just take it as it is ( I was drunk and wanted to get closer) no ideas, no funny business. well it was fun and relaxed and we continued right on talking.
then the next night he was kinda alot drunk and such and we were talking all emotional like, and the irony of the significance of me wiping his tear is that while I knew it was coming, but also I assumed so 'cause I had started tearing for what I was thinking of, so I wiped his as a distraction. but also as a sentiment. the next day was okay I ended up going home and then i was supposed to hang out with rob and amanda again that proceeding night, and well amanda had her own agenda, and well she cut me out of it for weed, well I was just mad, I had gone to the store that night and got chips because it seemed like all we ate at robs was chips, I was like nochos and cheese. but amanda got her way and I told them to have fun and to not worry.....but i did have a bad night that night, I had a bad fight with my mum and lil sister and went to sleep crying.
well amanda was astonished at the way RZ was willing to blow their plans off for me. she asked us to play truth or dare the next day, asked me how I felt of Robbie, and how he felt of me, it was mutual. I chose dare after that: she dared me to kiss him. Dared him to ask me out. he did, I thought it over for half a min, or so and then said yes, I just couldnt think to say know, I liked him and continued to want to get to know him.
well, then I found out he was a virgin at this party we went to a day or two later...I got drunk and such...fast. he got and such but not so much drunk. well later on I told him I wouldnt have sex for at least a yr. anda half....that night we had pretty good sex for a virgin, it lasted bout an hr and half. after I gave him Orrall pleasure. pun intended. see he was just nervouse about coming so i got condoms we havent really had sex since. Ive pleased him Orrally (pun again) and with my hand but no sex since, we coulda had some night before last...we were horny enough...but I had my period.....dang virgin....guess its a good thing....his parents like me...alot, well atleast his ma does. she wants me to stay behind out of navy and such...so anyway, Im dating RZ and I need to take it slow....I still have dreams of RWE but well serendipity can hold my patients, Im living in the innocent moments with Rubbie Z lol if in fact one day I meet RWE again well then but if in fact not then fate have its plan.
Rubbie Z is my kindest most honest boyfriend yet...he has no motive what-so-ever....tho he wants sex more now that I showed him what it was.. yikes damn sex. run. lol jkright now RZ has me, I love him, Im not in love with him , but I definitly smile a hole hell of a lot when Im around him.
Brittany's baby duck invaded my personal space at a 'hot tub' party.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Patients
So Im in Va. My memories come in waves of slow motion, and all I see is him kissing my hand. *sigh* I work with Rev at Dunkin donuts. The thing is, well Rev is my best friend in a douche jerk kinda way, he drives me insane, I hate him...yet as you've readd in this blog I used to love him so great, haha fool. Anyway, he says he is finally over his ex, the one he dated right after me, and that he was in love with, she stepped on his heart apparently. Well, I thought I had convienced myself I was over him, way back when, and in a way I am. I just the other night, he pissed me off so bad, it made me cry, on my ride home. Then I started remembering shit. Lately he has been saying explicit stuff to me in text, like 'I got something for you to suck on' well I wrote back 'Tempting, Hmm I think I'll pass...I could wait to get laid in Ohio if I wanted sex lol u know...Im game for chillin and relaxing'
No response.
text to clarify:
The way I see it is Ive got amazing skillwhy use it when it will make you weak at your knees hehe. I dont knowbout ohio really...but I dont want just sex. I want
next text:
A friend too. Which Im willing to wait forever for. If I found some1 like that would be worth it.
Night Rev (;
next text; (cause he is european and misinterprets)
Just wana say; bet u didnt understand any of what I was sayin...kay later Rev Rev.
REFLECTION on that note:
I told myself that I found great sex with Rob, in ohio, even if thats all I can have. Look why screw up a good deal for something that wouldnt top it cause well after Robert I said the next relationship I have is my final one. Rob slipped through that loophole cause all we agreed on was just sex. though Ive falling in and out of love with him, he will not ever know from my lips, but the next man I date is my final I want to grow old with. and well I dont know Ive got my career to distract me a bit right now so Im not to worried bout it but I am, Rob barely texts me cuz I am making it more than it is but I want him. and yet with Rev bringing up old feelings in me I want to punch him, and hug him. stupid European!
None the less I understand Rob is busy, but I also know that when I left he looked out the door in shadow and watched me go...the night before he wanted me to get his name tattooed on me.
I just want more than I can have from anyone, the self torture is that, I wonder if while Im in VA is this just a test where he is letting me go...but Im crazy so...Its just since last year I lost my ability to separate love from sex. like I cant fuck some1 and enjoy it without that connection. even if its in my head, I need to be patient and see where me and Rob could go, but its not even that, I kinda know where that leads to a bed and sex, but if I hold on to him then it will stop me from grabbing someone else and getting hurt again. Rev, is too deep, I cant mess with him when I have aome kinda feelings for Rob, seeing as up until me Rob had said he wanted a good girl, now he just wants sex...hmmmmm....well I need to be patient and I shouldnt bring Rev into it seeing as if my feelings are this deep and while texting and talking in ohio I told him I loved him (in a friend manner) and he said he missed me and couldnt wait to see me.
then I clariefied as a friend and he said right yeah as a friend.
I know that my text the 1st one last night hurt him. but I didnt mean it to. I just meant Ive got a good deal with Rob if all Rev is offering is sex. but I dont think he is. but I dont know for sure. so Im in a huge pickle. Just sit back and focus on losing weight and memorizing navy stuff.
~TLove outtie
No response.
text to clarify:
The way I see it is Ive got amazing skillwhy use it when it will make you weak at your knees hehe. I dont knowbout ohio really...but I dont want just sex. I want
next text:
A friend too. Which Im willing to wait forever for. If I found some1 like that would be worth it.
Night Rev (;
next text; (cause he is european and misinterprets)
Just wana say; bet u didnt understand any of what I was sayin...kay later Rev Rev.
REFLECTION on that note:
I told myself that I found great sex with Rob, in ohio, even if thats all I can have. Look why screw up a good deal for something that wouldnt top it cause well after Robert I said the next relationship I have is my final one. Rob slipped through that loophole cause all we agreed on was just sex. though Ive falling in and out of love with him, he will not ever know from my lips, but the next man I date is my final I want to grow old with. and well I dont know Ive got my career to distract me a bit right now so Im not to worried bout it but I am, Rob barely texts me cuz I am making it more than it is but I want him. and yet with Rev bringing up old feelings in me I want to punch him, and hug him. stupid European!
None the less I understand Rob is busy, but I also know that when I left he looked out the door in shadow and watched me go...the night before he wanted me to get his name tattooed on me.
I just want more than I can have from anyone, the self torture is that, I wonder if while Im in VA is this just a test where he is letting me go...but Im crazy so...Its just since last year I lost my ability to separate love from sex. like I cant fuck some1 and enjoy it without that connection. even if its in my head, I need to be patient and see where me and Rob could go, but its not even that, I kinda know where that leads to a bed and sex, but if I hold on to him then it will stop me from grabbing someone else and getting hurt again. Rev, is too deep, I cant mess with him when I have aome kinda feelings for Rob, seeing as up until me Rob had said he wanted a good girl, now he just wants sex...hmmmmm....well I need to be patient and I shouldnt bring Rev into it seeing as if my feelings are this deep and while texting and talking in ohio I told him I loved him (in a friend manner) and he said he missed me and couldnt wait to see me.
then I clariefied as a friend and he said right yeah as a friend.
I know that my text the 1st one last night hurt him. but I didnt mean it to. I just meant Ive got a good deal with Rob if all Rev is offering is sex. but I dont think he is. but I dont know for sure. so Im in a huge pickle. Just sit back and focus on losing weight and memorizing navy stuff.
~TLove outtie
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Horrific Picklement
So back to september 25th 2010. and update to the present.
I met this nieghbor guy who pursued me at this bonfire, i was so long ago, I remember my nieghbor Crazy Patty; her opener to meeting you is 'hey Im patty and Im crazy' my evaluation she is crazy by choice not by stature. she chose insanity. I always befriend the craziest people.
well I went to a bonfire at her house got a bit drunk and well this guy that has a good story pursued me, tho I wanted fully what he was offering I resisted, well C.P.s husband said we should get in our panties, and well pattie was all for it, so i went along with it, and they got in there boxers and zipup hoodies....I kept trying to avoid him cause I was believed to be dating Robert (who put me on pause on sept. 2nd) I didnt get what pause was but i still thought I was dating him.) well I broke my first never that night, I cheated.
it got cold we were drunk and I went to the park with these people and was drunk and layed next to patty on the cement she got up, and went to the swing.
I followed in a mannor of avoiding this man politely, I sat on the swing and asked him to push me, told him really, well he used his pelvis. i kept bantering at him push normal. well at some point pattie changed positions and so did I. our stomachs on the swing..... hammered from the back lol pushed on the swing....so then I got up at some point remember pattie throwing me some 'liquid courage' as i drink it down, and then well i remember tripping, catching myself on on the swing pole. swong around it, he said sexy
then i was cold asked him for his sweater and he said no, so then a few more askings of sweater and I conceaded. I went and got in his sweater with him, leaned against him....at some point we started kissing, I didnt want to stop, we made it back to the bonfire and he couldnt get it up. so no sex outside near the bonfire, I was drawn to him, but we made it end there then I wanted it on the next friday didnt happen till saturday. and that night too he couldnt get it up he kept saying it will cost you as well as informing me that it would be at least an hr before penetration. weird to me but it didnt matter. oh and way back on the bonfire chairs that night
I said we should go somewhere, and he said respect. owch. i talked him past that...ended up in his bed....and then found out that I was fighting myself to stay away from him. since at first i didnt want to hurt him but then he kept doing shit like when I went to have sex with him he would cuddle keep me longer then any one night stand, well pattie was talking crazy in my ear and I had broke my second never was fucking a married man, broke that too, by paper he is still married! which doesnt matter cause now that im not near him i do crave him so badly yet, dont know if I can stay away. as long as I still have a choice, I say this now but god damn, there is just too much.
So I write this to eject it from my mind cause he is probably just another mark on my list it hurts to say that.
but in reality he has a wife, he has a family, he doesnt need me. i dont want to get in the way. I will battle this everyday Im away from him, when Im near him the world just dissappears and I say this meaning it for this time of being, cuase there will be others Im only 20. but the visions ive had since i was 3. wow, he mirrored them so good at what he did, every inch of my body wanted him wanted him to be all inside of me to cum inside of me to make me orgasm the same time he does. but I cant have it. self torturing, I feel alot for him. but I cant do it.
you see the irony of it is he wants me to get his initials tattooed on my back, the blue star, but I cant that would be too, well that would mark me and the ones that get marked always drift never get held.
my heart breaks everytime im not around him, and then to see him that night I left 10:34pm on the 5th of jan. 2011. I saw him the night before, we had good sex....I gave him amazing pleasure, and well he still kissed me after, and my leg popped and he grabbed me harder, but then to look in the mirror and see my makeup all fucked up, he had still kissed me. my head hurts so bad, right now, the worst migrain ever, i used to not get these ever. fuck.
to see him that night I left, a shadow in the doorway, standing there stoicly watching. asshole, why?
I just need him to lay on me let me lay on him or just really stick his dick in me, be frozen there for eternity, that would be great. I could just hold my breath and stay there forever.
Love does not mean sex to me, too much, lol I like it way too much. but I do believe in soulmates, Robert (cain) tried to Talk me out of the idea of soulmates said that 'everyone had like several soulmates and they had to figure out how compatable they were with them and make it work'
fuck several soulmates.
Ive always just believed in one suits me just fine, and I knew the minute I had touched him it was so. thats what I believed i would know when I found my soulmate by my memories from 7 centuries, that i am certain i lived through. i didnt know what he looked like, I just had a vague shape in my head, and knew id know by his touch on my body, and the way he could make me forget and remember.
well I got broken and didnt feel the touch with James and hadnt felt the touch with him but mentally loved him, Robert (cain) only reason I moved to ohio was to escape, he was my doorway. Sorry. now Rob, there are all these signs, the lighthouses at Roberts (cain) place, the writing Tori <3 Rob. on his hallway that I painted before I even met you Rob. My grandmas name being BarBara Marie Conard, she died when she was 63, my nieghbor being 63, named Barbara Marie Charles , BMC. you wont wish on stars, I have stars on my back. My soul is black, your favorite color. 7 being my unlucky number; the amount of stars on my back. my lucky numbers are 13, 33, 8, 18, 6, 90, 27, I-26 (if playing bingo), and 1890. your 13 yrs older then me, your 33 my birthday is better than yours which is 6-18, yours is 6-8, but all that is bull crap. because Robert (cain) says soulmates dont exist and I want you so bad I cant have you. Im stuck in a crazy predicament. and so torn as to just disappear, i said after mr.cain, the next one was the last one. and well i dont want to say that cause it would mean I would put my whole heart into wanting you, and well if I cant have you everyday, however you are then I dont want you.
this sucks, is it teen angst?
he kept asking me not to forget him, I do believe the tatoo was another ploy at that, but um I act like I can like its so easy to forget him and I dont think it is. Im dying inside again, he fixed me ya know. okay well Im going to stop blogging cause it hurts too much. my reality is well insane. he said one night with him was real...but while it did happen, I need to stop thinking bout it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I wont ever admit that i love him.
i asked him one night 'what were you waiting for?' he said 'on you crazy girl' i said 'how long were you waiting...outside?' and he said 'Forever' shock seeing as I had that dream when I was 9yrs old and it was happening. but i ignored it. and had fun with him.
Im periless, and crazy, and crave the unattainable I say that cuase I wont say in love again. Im not in love with him, I fall in and out....maybe One day I will stay in love with Someone......I want it to be him but dont think it will be....SIGH.
I met this nieghbor guy who pursued me at this bonfire, i was so long ago, I remember my nieghbor Crazy Patty; her opener to meeting you is 'hey Im patty and Im crazy' my evaluation she is crazy by choice not by stature. she chose insanity. I always befriend the craziest people.
well I went to a bonfire at her house got a bit drunk and well this guy that has a good story pursued me, tho I wanted fully what he was offering I resisted, well C.P.s husband said we should get in our panties, and well pattie was all for it, so i went along with it, and they got in there boxers and zipup hoodies....I kept trying to avoid him cause I was believed to be dating Robert (who put me on pause on sept. 2nd) I didnt get what pause was but i still thought I was dating him.) well I broke my first never that night, I cheated.
it got cold we were drunk and I went to the park with these people and was drunk and layed next to patty on the cement she got up, and went to the swing.
I followed in a mannor of avoiding this man politely, I sat on the swing and asked him to push me, told him really, well he used his pelvis. i kept bantering at him push normal. well at some point pattie changed positions and so did I. our stomachs on the swing..... hammered from the back lol pushed on the swing....so then I got up at some point remember pattie throwing me some 'liquid courage' as i drink it down, and then well i remember tripping, catching myself on on the swing pole. swong around it, he said sexy
then i was cold asked him for his sweater and he said no, so then a few more askings of sweater and I conceaded. I went and got in his sweater with him, leaned against him....at some point we started kissing, I didnt want to stop, we made it back to the bonfire and he couldnt get it up. so no sex outside near the bonfire, I was drawn to him, but we made it end there then I wanted it on the next friday didnt happen till saturday. and that night too he couldnt get it up he kept saying it will cost you as well as informing me that it would be at least an hr before penetration. weird to me but it didnt matter. oh and way back on the bonfire chairs that night
I said we should go somewhere, and he said respect. owch. i talked him past that...ended up in his bed....and then found out that I was fighting myself to stay away from him. since at first i didnt want to hurt him but then he kept doing shit like when I went to have sex with him he would cuddle keep me longer then any one night stand, well pattie was talking crazy in my ear and I had broke my second never was fucking a married man, broke that too, by paper he is still married! which doesnt matter cause now that im not near him i do crave him so badly yet, dont know if I can stay away. as long as I still have a choice, I say this now but god damn, there is just too much.
So I write this to eject it from my mind cause he is probably just another mark on my list it hurts to say that.
but in reality he has a wife, he has a family, he doesnt need me. i dont want to get in the way. I will battle this everyday Im away from him, when Im near him the world just dissappears and I say this meaning it for this time of being, cuase there will be others Im only 20. but the visions ive had since i was 3. wow, he mirrored them so good at what he did, every inch of my body wanted him wanted him to be all inside of me to cum inside of me to make me orgasm the same time he does. but I cant have it. self torturing, I feel alot for him. but I cant do it.
you see the irony of it is he wants me to get his initials tattooed on my back, the blue star, but I cant that would be too, well that would mark me and the ones that get marked always drift never get held.
my heart breaks everytime im not around him, and then to see him that night I left 10:34pm on the 5th of jan. 2011. I saw him the night before, we had good sex....I gave him amazing pleasure, and well he still kissed me after, and my leg popped and he grabbed me harder, but then to look in the mirror and see my makeup all fucked up, he had still kissed me. my head hurts so bad, right now, the worst migrain ever, i used to not get these ever. fuck.
to see him that night I left, a shadow in the doorway, standing there stoicly watching. asshole, why?
I just need him to lay on me let me lay on him or just really stick his dick in me, be frozen there for eternity, that would be great. I could just hold my breath and stay there forever.
Love does not mean sex to me, too much, lol I like it way too much. but I do believe in soulmates, Robert (cain) tried to Talk me out of the idea of soulmates said that 'everyone had like several soulmates and they had to figure out how compatable they were with them and make it work'
fuck several soulmates.
Ive always just believed in one suits me just fine, and I knew the minute I had touched him it was so. thats what I believed i would know when I found my soulmate by my memories from 7 centuries, that i am certain i lived through. i didnt know what he looked like, I just had a vague shape in my head, and knew id know by his touch on my body, and the way he could make me forget and remember.
well I got broken and didnt feel the touch with James and hadnt felt the touch with him but mentally loved him, Robert (cain) only reason I moved to ohio was to escape, he was my doorway. Sorry. now Rob, there are all these signs, the lighthouses at Roberts (cain) place, the writing Tori <3 Rob. on his hallway that I painted before I even met you Rob. My grandmas name being BarBara Marie Conard, she died when she was 63, my nieghbor being 63, named Barbara Marie Charles , BMC. you wont wish on stars, I have stars on my back. My soul is black, your favorite color. 7 being my unlucky number; the amount of stars on my back. my lucky numbers are 13, 33, 8, 18, 6, 90, 27, I-26 (if playing bingo), and 1890. your 13 yrs older then me, your 33 my birthday is better than yours which is 6-18, yours is 6-8, but all that is bull crap. because Robert (cain) says soulmates dont exist and I want you so bad I cant have you. Im stuck in a crazy predicament. and so torn as to just disappear, i said after mr.cain, the next one was the last one. and well i dont want to say that cause it would mean I would put my whole heart into wanting you, and well if I cant have you everyday, however you are then I dont want you.
this sucks, is it teen angst?
he kept asking me not to forget him, I do believe the tatoo was another ploy at that, but um I act like I can like its so easy to forget him and I dont think it is. Im dying inside again, he fixed me ya know. okay well Im going to stop blogging cause it hurts too much. my reality is well insane. he said one night with him was real...but while it did happen, I need to stop thinking bout it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I wont ever admit that i love him.
i asked him one night 'what were you waiting for?' he said 'on you crazy girl' i said 'how long were you waiting...outside?' and he said 'Forever' shock seeing as I had that dream when I was 9yrs old and it was happening. but i ignored it. and had fun with him.
Im periless, and crazy, and crave the unattainable I say that cuase I wont say in love again. Im not in love with him, I fall in and out....maybe One day I will stay in love with Someone......I want it to be him but dont think it will be....SIGH.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
TRANSITIONAL GIRL
So I am Dating R again, the guy from last fall to mid dec. well he says he loves me...he said Ill be his trophy wife. he said alot.
I moved to his house in ohio and only brought a big black suitcase full of clothes, my 2 cats and 3 purses...
HE doesnt pay me for all I do but I moved here July 25th, 2010.
He left around Aug 5th since then I have Accomplished alot, I am restoring his bum ass house back to its prime.
R may be cheating on me in Va with one of his ship mates, he doesnt call nor text anymore.
he told me to email...doesnt say i love you anymore. I dont care. he makes me mad.
Im also having an affair with a friend of the same namesake.
Im gonna call him WR
this man is amazing he is a gemini and can satisfy me in so many ways.
he is married (said i wouldnt be a homewrecker...wait read on)
His wife is estranged and living with a mexican she is prego by.
He does exactly what ive always imagined in fantasies.
he is pretty fantastic.
He said he could fix me, its a shame i wont let him.
He said no attachments, and yet he is getting attached. blah
he has 3 kids and is 33.
13 yrs my senior.
2 kids live with him and are from his marraige
1 is 10yrs old, the other 14.
they live with him and he is an amazing dad.
the other kid is 16, she lives with her mother.
I told him i was a transitional girl.
he asked me why?
I said cause i fix people and then leave.
IM NOT DONE WITH THIS BLOG
I moved to his house in ohio and only brought a big black suitcase full of clothes, my 2 cats and 3 purses...
HE doesnt pay me for all I do but I moved here July 25th, 2010.
He left around Aug 5th since then I have Accomplished alot, I am restoring his bum ass house back to its prime.
R may be cheating on me in Va with one of his ship mates, he doesnt call nor text anymore.
he told me to email...doesnt say i love you anymore. I dont care. he makes me mad.
Im also having an affair with a friend of the same namesake.
Im gonna call him WR
this man is amazing he is a gemini and can satisfy me in so many ways.
he is married (said i wouldnt be a homewrecker...wait read on)
His wife is estranged and living with a mexican she is prego by.
He does exactly what ive always imagined in fantasies.
he is pretty fantastic.
He said he could fix me, its a shame i wont let him.
He said no attachments, and yet he is getting attached. blah
he has 3 kids and is 33.
13 yrs my senior.
2 kids live with him and are from his marraige
1 is 10yrs old, the other 14.
they live with him and he is an amazing dad.
the other kid is 16, she lives with her mother.
I told him i was a transitional girl.
he asked me why?
I said cause i fix people and then leave.
IM NOT DONE WITH THIS BLOG
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Re-Evaluation of Myself
Clearly its been well over a year since I started this Blog, and it has also been a roky road since my last post, I have become an Alcoholic, I have had my heart broken, I have gone through a exorbenant amount of drugs, testing them all out....
Life has been no good to me, When I first wrote you this Blog, I was always 'in love' or on a hopeful journey to being loved, trying to find it through sex...hahahaha if only my mind could have forseen then that you dont find love on a matress or even when you search.
it finds you. when you least expect it to. it steals you away and then strands you. if soulmates do exist, my boyfriend (of right now, maybe longer) has a theory;
He says everyone is given several soulmates, its just a matter of finding common mutual ground with them, he says he is romantic, I'll have to wait and see. only romantic gesture is a forced purchase of protection, he offered I took.
You see I jump into things head first, I told my mum the reason Im moving to my bfs house alone in the middle of a strange state that is foriegn to me is because:
I trust Him
I can find a better life
I can get away
He will help me get life straight...yada yada yada
I didnt tell my mum I was dating him at first I told her he was a friend....
helping me out.....Im a chronic liar.
see since my heart was broken I figured I should do what any hurt person or creature does, take aimless revenge, I became self inflicting around march 14th 2010 till june 11th 2010 but was wishy washy ready to step in front of the next train.
I partied hard, got used worse, and wasnt dieing like I thought I would, would anyone put me out of my misery?
I soon found Robert again, he kept resurfacing why? I havent the fainticed....when partying I was oblivious to the fact I still liked him or at least I understood I did but it wasnt a 'sexy social statement' to be seen with him.
short story;
{WAVEY SCENE/FLASHBACK}
See I dated 'R' until Dec 12th 2009, why I dumped him I was a pothead, out to 'innocently party yet trash myself' cause I hated me.
well I met him around halloween weekend at a cowboy bar...he was my friends friend a random stranger to the effect that my best friend drew on his face with eyeliner, a lightning bolt...i felt the need to care for him, my reason for breaking up with him by dec. was a mere convo thanksgiving day of trophy wives and husband and the weed driven thoughts he was stalking me. I remember being so afraid getting out of my mums car and thinking is that him is that his car Im so afraid....a dark night a red car. driven by the fact that i was always high and more maliable my close people i listen to i take their words to heart or at least did.
I dumped him, also for the fact that someone said I wouldnt dump him before xmas, they said that I would use him for a gift. 12 days before I ex'd his ass. looking back with one broken heart of my own I no longer hope Im little miss transitional, not that I ever did. But no I pray I am quite the contrary. feeling hurt myself made me rue all the days I ever hurt anyone and wonder why I always jump in so fast, even now,
again with Rob, I have fears that there is some duty I have to fullfil and help him and then will be cast aside. before my heart got broken I knew exactly what to do.
Help whoever my 'transitional mission' was, out, and then leave by fading or quickly.but nicely.
then came the one I wished to keep, why I dont know, I guess seeing as though I cling to quickly anyway but noone gives me the chance to love untill J i didnt know how I would act when I loved too much. and got lost in it...I didnt know that id break.
I went crazy ya know?
So after him Ive been weary but you see I think Im getting close to R another chance and last attempt maybe...Im kinda distant in free loving spirit now I wont just give myself away now im overly guarded and not pretending im open....
pause im toooooo tired to finish this one now...wait.
Life has been no good to me, When I first wrote you this Blog, I was always 'in love' or on a hopeful journey to being loved, trying to find it through sex...hahahaha if only my mind could have forseen then that you dont find love on a matress or even when you search.
it finds you. when you least expect it to. it steals you away and then strands you. if soulmates do exist, my boyfriend (of right now, maybe longer) has a theory;
He says everyone is given several soulmates, its just a matter of finding common mutual ground with them, he says he is romantic, I'll have to wait and see. only romantic gesture is a forced purchase of protection, he offered I took.
You see I jump into things head first, I told my mum the reason Im moving to my bfs house alone in the middle of a strange state that is foriegn to me is because:
I trust Him
I can find a better life
I can get away
He will help me get life straight...yada yada yada
I didnt tell my mum I was dating him at first I told her he was a friend....
helping me out.....Im a chronic liar.
see since my heart was broken I figured I should do what any hurt person or creature does, take aimless revenge, I became self inflicting around march 14th 2010 till june 11th 2010 but was wishy washy ready to step in front of the next train.
I partied hard, got used worse, and wasnt dieing like I thought I would, would anyone put me out of my misery?
I soon found Robert again, he kept resurfacing why? I havent the fainticed....when partying I was oblivious to the fact I still liked him or at least I understood I did but it wasnt a 'sexy social statement' to be seen with him.
short story;
{WAVEY SCENE/FLASHBACK}
See I dated 'R' until Dec 12th 2009, why I dumped him I was a pothead, out to 'innocently party yet trash myself' cause I hated me.
well I met him around halloween weekend at a cowboy bar...he was my friends friend a random stranger to the effect that my best friend drew on his face with eyeliner, a lightning bolt...i felt the need to care for him, my reason for breaking up with him by dec. was a mere convo thanksgiving day of trophy wives and husband and the weed driven thoughts he was stalking me. I remember being so afraid getting out of my mums car and thinking is that him is that his car Im so afraid....a dark night a red car. driven by the fact that i was always high and more maliable my close people i listen to i take their words to heart or at least did.
I dumped him, also for the fact that someone said I wouldnt dump him before xmas, they said that I would use him for a gift. 12 days before I ex'd his ass. looking back with one broken heart of my own I no longer hope Im little miss transitional, not that I ever did. But no I pray I am quite the contrary. feeling hurt myself made me rue all the days I ever hurt anyone and wonder why I always jump in so fast, even now,
again with Rob, I have fears that there is some duty I have to fullfil and help him and then will be cast aside. before my heart got broken I knew exactly what to do.
Help whoever my 'transitional mission' was, out, and then leave by fading or quickly.but nicely.
then came the one I wished to keep, why I dont know, I guess seeing as though I cling to quickly anyway but noone gives me the chance to love untill J i didnt know how I would act when I loved too much. and got lost in it...I didnt know that id break.
I went crazy ya know?
So after him Ive been weary but you see I think Im getting close to R another chance and last attempt maybe...Im kinda distant in free loving spirit now I wont just give myself away now im overly guarded and not pretending im open....
pause im toooooo tired to finish this one now...wait.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
JUST A PISSED OFF PAWN
you know WHAT pisses me off!!!!! When someone uses you and they make you think something that is a fallacy is actually worth hope.....FUCK YOU JEB!!! I wish i had not ever met you, and gone along with your stupid fucking relationship bullshit!!! I hate the fact that I was threaded along funny shit was I was completely myself and you even asked me to do manipulation shit. why im venting on facebook?! because this is your stupid nerd ass world I FUCKING HATE YOU. What you did hurt, and I was so fucked by it till I realized that you were a big dick and I was a pawn, funny how the only one playing a game was you. you are rotten and I wish you the best in life. I hate how im too nice of a person and so gullible to think of the good in people. I am glad i got over in time to make a new start douch~~~~> GOD that i dont believe in, please dont send me anymore douches I fear i will try to will myself away from them. but being who i am will probably be too nice. fuck ya'll. this pisses me off. not ready for shit just tell me im a fucking pawn. asshole! a fucken transitional girl like always. thats what I am, see me use my kindness and fucken make wreckage in my world....when is it enough.
Monday, May 24, 2010
delirium
So...
After finishing a book that someone dear told me to read and I fluffed it off for a long while,
I have decided that I am going to make an abrupt amount of changes in my life.
First off,
No negative vibes,
Second off,
Self gain in a manner of speaking, should I do it? Why do I always have thoughts unshared with any other person? Why do I feel incomplete,
And why do I miss you so much even when thinking lightly I wish I had just molded perfectly to your form like I do everyone else?
Why is it that when you stumble upon what you want and make the most ballsy move you've ever made in your life, everything seem to be catalysed to amazing happiness, and then the minute you think you finally can grasp it its all taken away and you now find yourself chasing a ghost talking to everyone afraid of what you might have had, and looking back to the very ignighter that you set out for the first time for your own personal gain and wished you could take it back? Funny thing is, my brain is so well advance and so very distinctive at pulling apart every miniscule detail to begin with that, I have found not a soul but one on my level and willing to share their mutual insight and intuition that it suks because I am now too afraid to go back and visit that love so deep that I feel its delirium set in for recourse on my sanity.
See I wish to go back all the way to the beging before I loved you and stop myself, give myself hesitation, tell myself don't jump, not this time, and all I an think is, well, the way my dual mind enables me to. I ant regret for that makes me who I am today, but certain cirumstances; did I really have to go through them?
Did I really need to delve into that scene and why can't I just eraase it all, then a part of me with envy and angst looks to the other variables that could perchance oincide and I see them all too clearly, I see this...
For right now I'm speaking of a specific love,
Not like any of the misguided harlet tales I have left on these pages before.
I see too many variations, like always, and normally they are all chess games to me, pawns moved here and there, but I want this so bad it keeps my ever waking mind from sleep.
Scenario 1
I stop right now fighting for the hope of love I've contained in myself for centuries. I let him be and move on seemlessly through a life that for me, would be like drinking a less than half glass full of vinager flavored wine, not what I want but I can bear it. For my soul won't be content with anything anyway.
Senario 2
stay friends with him, be on the brim of his life and just watch him be happy and could he be happy without me?
Scenario 3
Do what I'm best at and just move on, never forgetting but never showing it hurts. And basically run away.
Scenario 4
Fight caustically for what might be some self escalated delusion just because I think that while I am actually going crazy, I am holding onto some demented piee of false truth and vulgar hope.
So here's the story,
I have always clinged to certain facts, I see a piece of myself in everyone else, that's why I'm so forgiving. Cause I'm so very flawed and people should get automatic forgiveness for only they truly can judge themselves.
Well once again I'm stuck with this one dilema only this time I don't want it to end like all the others, I want to live happily ever after and am truly willing to fight for it. And will. I gave him the power which in fact while I know I shouldn't have, he knew I finally gave it up, he was far more advaned than I was and caught my dumb ass in a trap that now I don't even quite understand if it was of my own delusional making or if he is still actually playing.
I want to go and hide. To run away and not be any thee wiser. Just dull out but for some damn reason I'm drawn to him and uterly repulsed by all the dull air I've been surrounded, he was probably the only one up to par. And I blew it. Starting with that fateless day I sat on his lap and engaged. I was kinda self concious, for no reason, and now I'm in a beautiful mess of the worst kinda mind game. I only think about it when I'm truely alone, everything else comes natural, I'm good at distractions, but when I'm truly alone I wander mentally. Dare say I'm too self absorbed, I am. Funny how noone else sees that, I hide it well behind a deceptive mask of curiousity.
If he could only give me one last kiss and embrace, why was I so demanding? And yet at the same time so eager to change?
I hear true love can make you go crazy, I've been lusting after it for about 7 or so past lifes, and I do say I met my mark, but to know so profoundly and yet not be able to abtain it.
That's a heartbreaker. I'm not iffy on this at all I'm perfectly resolute and so I wish in my soul I could deny it, but substantially soulful I am unregrettable right and it scares me beause I already know my decision and now I am not sure of his.
He left me with love always,
Do I take it to heart?
Or just flake it off and move on?
He's the only person I read that was honest and so its driving me insane to think that my natural knack might have been off, like I do believe I'm crazy.
I am crazy. And all I an nightmare about is the fact that I won't ever have a happy life, its just not the life cut out for me, pure ecstacy can't compare to how much I wish someone would throw me in a loony bin and numb the knowledge I bear in my soul.
Dear fates,
How do I disappear if there is so muh to my destiny that shan't allow my mind to be weak and hurt myself nor bystanders, and why shall I ontinue to function in ease seemlessly fitting in when I want to rebel? And dissappear?
Why has fate saved me from so many possible tradgedies if I'm willing everyone in my presence to be safe why ant you take me? I would sacrifice myself to an unknowing force to save millions and yet I go crazy because I dare to not move on.
Damn if I was only fuked up or high I wouldn't have the patients to think this deep and write my delirium for my own past reference.
I wish to be commited or labotomized.
And yet I will act as thoughnothing is wrong and protect everyone I can from meaningless hazards til I naturally transpire.
After finishing a book that someone dear told me to read and I fluffed it off for a long while,
I have decided that I am going to make an abrupt amount of changes in my life.
First off,
No negative vibes,
Second off,
Self gain in a manner of speaking, should I do it? Why do I always have thoughts unshared with any other person? Why do I feel incomplete,
And why do I miss you so much even when thinking lightly I wish I had just molded perfectly to your form like I do everyone else?
Why is it that when you stumble upon what you want and make the most ballsy move you've ever made in your life, everything seem to be catalysed to amazing happiness, and then the minute you think you finally can grasp it its all taken away and you now find yourself chasing a ghost talking to everyone afraid of what you might have had, and looking back to the very ignighter that you set out for the first time for your own personal gain and wished you could take it back? Funny thing is, my brain is so well advance and so very distinctive at pulling apart every miniscule detail to begin with that, I have found not a soul but one on my level and willing to share their mutual insight and intuition that it suks because I am now too afraid to go back and visit that love so deep that I feel its delirium set in for recourse on my sanity.
See I wish to go back all the way to the beging before I loved you and stop myself, give myself hesitation, tell myself don't jump, not this time, and all I an think is, well, the way my dual mind enables me to. I ant regret for that makes me who I am today, but certain cirumstances; did I really have to go through them?
Did I really need to delve into that scene and why can't I just eraase it all, then a part of me with envy and angst looks to the other variables that could perchance oincide and I see them all too clearly, I see this...
For right now I'm speaking of a specific love,
Not like any of the misguided harlet tales I have left on these pages before.
I see too many variations, like always, and normally they are all chess games to me, pawns moved here and there, but I want this so bad it keeps my ever waking mind from sleep.
Scenario 1
I stop right now fighting for the hope of love I've contained in myself for centuries. I let him be and move on seemlessly through a life that for me, would be like drinking a less than half glass full of vinager flavored wine, not what I want but I can bear it. For my soul won't be content with anything anyway.
Senario 2
stay friends with him, be on the brim of his life and just watch him be happy and could he be happy without me?
Scenario 3
Do what I'm best at and just move on, never forgetting but never showing it hurts. And basically run away.
Scenario 4
Fight caustically for what might be some self escalated delusion just because I think that while I am actually going crazy, I am holding onto some demented piee of false truth and vulgar hope.
So here's the story,
I have always clinged to certain facts, I see a piece of myself in everyone else, that's why I'm so forgiving. Cause I'm so very flawed and people should get automatic forgiveness for only they truly can judge themselves.
Well once again I'm stuck with this one dilema only this time I don't want it to end like all the others, I want to live happily ever after and am truly willing to fight for it. And will. I gave him the power which in fact while I know I shouldn't have, he knew I finally gave it up, he was far more advaned than I was and caught my dumb ass in a trap that now I don't even quite understand if it was of my own delusional making or if he is still actually playing.
I want to go and hide. To run away and not be any thee wiser. Just dull out but for some damn reason I'm drawn to him and uterly repulsed by all the dull air I've been surrounded, he was probably the only one up to par. And I blew it. Starting with that fateless day I sat on his lap and engaged. I was kinda self concious, for no reason, and now I'm in a beautiful mess of the worst kinda mind game. I only think about it when I'm truely alone, everything else comes natural, I'm good at distractions, but when I'm truly alone I wander mentally. Dare say I'm too self absorbed, I am. Funny how noone else sees that, I hide it well behind a deceptive mask of curiousity.
If he could only give me one last kiss and embrace, why was I so demanding? And yet at the same time so eager to change?
I hear true love can make you go crazy, I've been lusting after it for about 7 or so past lifes, and I do say I met my mark, but to know so profoundly and yet not be able to abtain it.
That's a heartbreaker. I'm not iffy on this at all I'm perfectly resolute and so I wish in my soul I could deny it, but substantially soulful I am unregrettable right and it scares me beause I already know my decision and now I am not sure of his.
He left me with love always,
Do I take it to heart?
Or just flake it off and move on?
He's the only person I read that was honest and so its driving me insane to think that my natural knack might have been off, like I do believe I'm crazy.
I am crazy. And all I an nightmare about is the fact that I won't ever have a happy life, its just not the life cut out for me, pure ecstacy can't compare to how much I wish someone would throw me in a loony bin and numb the knowledge I bear in my soul.
Dear fates,
How do I disappear if there is so muh to my destiny that shan't allow my mind to be weak and hurt myself nor bystanders, and why shall I ontinue to function in ease seemlessly fitting in when I want to rebel? And dissappear?
Why has fate saved me from so many possible tradgedies if I'm willing everyone in my presence to be safe why ant you take me? I would sacrifice myself to an unknowing force to save millions and yet I go crazy because I dare to not move on.
Damn if I was only fuked up or high I wouldn't have the patients to think this deep and write my delirium for my own past reference.
I wish to be commited or labotomized.
And yet I will act as thoughnothing is wrong and protect everyone I can from meaningless hazards til I naturally transpire.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
love despair hope love always victoria
"You shoulda just let the van crush me"
I say this to you James.
I've thought in between drunken lullabys and sad whispers about it.
Thought day, and night.
Thought while chasing some big dream and collapsing under salted waves.
I am trying to figure this all out, we were meant to be, supposed to be, used to be somehow.
But it all ceased with my life long dream on the 14th of march, when our lives so intertwined scraped and slid apart.
From the minute I layed eyes on you it was true, you weren't perfect, I felt the need to stay away from you.
For I thought that if anyone were to get hurt tragically losing their heart it would be you.
For I looked for eons for my soulmate, never finding him, but you, I thought I would hurt you and break your heart. And that's when I knew. I knew I had found you.
To see that my drive to keep from hurting you was so profound that I would let myself get hurt in lue of you, twas horriffic.
To say that I'm not afraid of anything is a falacy, for I'm afraid of the dark, silence, people, and being alone, but when I met you I forgot all of those and my one and only fear was losing you, not being able to smell you, not being able to feel you, not hearing your voice, not having you cross my mind. And yet I tried feebly to save what we had, to stop the rip that has torn, funny how when I gave you my heart its like if I could compare it to a wolf they mate once, for life, they find their one and if separated go crazy or die of agony. I think that's where I'm at, now that I have givin you my heart and you accepted it way back when I knew my life would end and begin with you. And I have felt this only for you.
Before I met you I would always have this feeling of of gravity I guess you could call it, no magnetism, like I was pulled in every inch of my body towards someone unknown my mind always cast to someone I couldn't see someone so close yet so far away. And yet I knew with every person I met if it wasn't them. And it wasn't.
But you when I touched your hand, the magnetism calmed it disappeared I was at peace, my mind stopped searching and I was in the eye of the hurricane calm. Life was easy and I gave up to you, I didn't want to hold any secrets I didn't want to lose you I wanted to prove that you could trust me. For I trusted unconditionally, I don't do that with anyone.
You asked if you could manipulate me, I didn't mind fully, utterly, and completely. I saw that we were unseperable. That once we started it would be epic. That I would die for you. And funny thing is, I'm so self sacrificial, in the sense that if someone that's with me wants someone else, I enable them to go, I even help them even though I could be happy and keep them, but knowing they wouldn't be happy would kill me.
So I help them. And then you, I thought I made you so happy, I thought that at the end of the day I completed you, I thought that I was finally allowed to be happy for you made me so happy that I didn't even worry that you weren't I just went along with it, I just saw that sine you made me so happy as long as I made you happy I would be able to keep you.
Funny how when you didn't want me anymore I died, I didn't know what to do or where to go. My heart was givin freely and once givin can't be taken back, weird I know but you and solely you have my heart you can take it whenever touch it love it feel it, always. James E.B. but others not in any of my days that remain.
You know why I fade out of peoples lives?! Everyones life that I touch falls in love with me and I stop them, I don't know why they do, but they do, and I see it. Id do anything for them, but let them hurt their heart on me. For if I don't completely love them they won't ever gain the knowledge that you have.
To say it super natural is absurd but its more about basic dynamics. Find out nonchalantly what someone wants and you obtain their trust their loyalty and honor. And I do that but not for personal gain, no just for personal enrichment it makes my life endeavor more full.
But you I figured sine all these strings I pulled on others worked they should with you, but they didn't. I was intriegued lost and in allure, swept away. All because of your ability to resist my swooning.
I compare a quote of twilight to us but by namesake their are two roads we can dance down,
James and Victoria
Or
Edward and Bella
Its like I could compare you to both, fierce like james and sinere like edward.
And I enduring and resiliant like victoria and selfless and stubborn like bella.
But I'm not even sure I know where to begin.
I've been frieghtened by you, by losing you, I can't help it, I need and want you but one when I was so sure now not so much I need to hold you need to have you but don't think I ever will. I keep seeing signs for us, when I finally think I moved on.....
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but now I know I never will. I wish that I could tell you my ignorant attempts to move on so futile, brad, and everyone. I got rid of brittany, you know lol
But not till after she broke my heart, slept with my ex just cause she could I don't dare think of him seriously, he was my distraction from you and well he did just that distract with all of his drama of cheating and guilt trips.
I felt you last time I tripped on e I felt you so close I wore your necklace that night before I knew id be tripping on e. It was 6pm and I was getting ready to go out, and our vase dropped the necklace falling out and I pictured when you put it on my neck, so I put it on. Then I went partying, saved that night by a guardian, I didn't get attacked I talked my way out of a dark lit parking lot and back to the house though he had already push me against a tree.I got home and was safe, eric came by a married man, a friend of courts and I was just like hey and he goes want this e. Then I tripped on e and sunk into my blanket after wanting you so bad. I closed my eyes alone and felt your kiss. Why the torment to open my eyes and your not there?
I still where my necklace from you. 4 days. And I can't bare to remove it this time. Held to the past mentally this is a physical manifestation.
Will I ever feel your touch the one that sets my soul at ease, probably not but I wish, hope, dream.
If only if only you could grasp me.
I miss and will miss you for eternity.
Summers end you might return. Can I have you? Please.
Love always, victoria
I say this to you James.
I've thought in between drunken lullabys and sad whispers about it.
Thought day, and night.
Thought while chasing some big dream and collapsing under salted waves.
I am trying to figure this all out, we were meant to be, supposed to be, used to be somehow.
But it all ceased with my life long dream on the 14th of march, when our lives so intertwined scraped and slid apart.
From the minute I layed eyes on you it was true, you weren't perfect, I felt the need to stay away from you.
For I thought that if anyone were to get hurt tragically losing their heart it would be you.
For I looked for eons for my soulmate, never finding him, but you, I thought I would hurt you and break your heart. And that's when I knew. I knew I had found you.
To see that my drive to keep from hurting you was so profound that I would let myself get hurt in lue of you, twas horriffic.
To say that I'm not afraid of anything is a falacy, for I'm afraid of the dark, silence, people, and being alone, but when I met you I forgot all of those and my one and only fear was losing you, not being able to smell you, not being able to feel you, not hearing your voice, not having you cross my mind. And yet I tried feebly to save what we had, to stop the rip that has torn, funny how when I gave you my heart its like if I could compare it to a wolf they mate once, for life, they find their one and if separated go crazy or die of agony. I think that's where I'm at, now that I have givin you my heart and you accepted it way back when I knew my life would end and begin with you. And I have felt this only for you.
Before I met you I would always have this feeling of of gravity I guess you could call it, no magnetism, like I was pulled in every inch of my body towards someone unknown my mind always cast to someone I couldn't see someone so close yet so far away. And yet I knew with every person I met if it wasn't them. And it wasn't.
But you when I touched your hand, the magnetism calmed it disappeared I was at peace, my mind stopped searching and I was in the eye of the hurricane calm. Life was easy and I gave up to you, I didn't want to hold any secrets I didn't want to lose you I wanted to prove that you could trust me. For I trusted unconditionally, I don't do that with anyone.
You asked if you could manipulate me, I didn't mind fully, utterly, and completely. I saw that we were unseperable. That once we started it would be epic. That I would die for you. And funny thing is, I'm so self sacrificial, in the sense that if someone that's with me wants someone else, I enable them to go, I even help them even though I could be happy and keep them, but knowing they wouldn't be happy would kill me.
So I help them. And then you, I thought I made you so happy, I thought that at the end of the day I completed you, I thought that I was finally allowed to be happy for you made me so happy that I didn't even worry that you weren't I just went along with it, I just saw that sine you made me so happy as long as I made you happy I would be able to keep you.
Funny how when you didn't want me anymore I died, I didn't know what to do or where to go. My heart was givin freely and once givin can't be taken back, weird I know but you and solely you have my heart you can take it whenever touch it love it feel it, always. James E.B. but others not in any of my days that remain.
You know why I fade out of peoples lives?! Everyones life that I touch falls in love with me and I stop them, I don't know why they do, but they do, and I see it. Id do anything for them, but let them hurt their heart on me. For if I don't completely love them they won't ever gain the knowledge that you have.
To say it super natural is absurd but its more about basic dynamics. Find out nonchalantly what someone wants and you obtain their trust their loyalty and honor. And I do that but not for personal gain, no just for personal enrichment it makes my life endeavor more full.
But you I figured sine all these strings I pulled on others worked they should with you, but they didn't. I was intriegued lost and in allure, swept away. All because of your ability to resist my swooning.
I compare a quote of twilight to us but by namesake their are two roads we can dance down,
James and Victoria
Or
Edward and Bella
Its like I could compare you to both, fierce like james and sinere like edward.
And I enduring and resiliant like victoria and selfless and stubborn like bella.
But I'm not even sure I know where to begin.
I've been frieghtened by you, by losing you, I can't help it, I need and want you but one when I was so sure now not so much I need to hold you need to have you but don't think I ever will. I keep seeing signs for us, when I finally think I moved on.....
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but now I know I never will. I wish that I could tell you my ignorant attempts to move on so futile, brad, and everyone. I got rid of brittany, you know lol
But not till after she broke my heart, slept with my ex just cause she could I don't dare think of him seriously, he was my distraction from you and well he did just that distract with all of his drama of cheating and guilt trips.
I felt you last time I tripped on e I felt you so close I wore your necklace that night before I knew id be tripping on e. It was 6pm and I was getting ready to go out, and our vase dropped the necklace falling out and I pictured when you put it on my neck, so I put it on. Then I went partying, saved that night by a guardian, I didn't get attacked I talked my way out of a dark lit parking lot and back to the house though he had already push me against a tree.I got home and was safe, eric came by a married man, a friend of courts and I was just like hey and he goes want this e. Then I tripped on e and sunk into my blanket after wanting you so bad. I closed my eyes alone and felt your kiss. Why the torment to open my eyes and your not there?
I still where my necklace from you. 4 days. And I can't bare to remove it this time. Held to the past mentally this is a physical manifestation.
Will I ever feel your touch the one that sets my soul at ease, probably not but I wish, hope, dream.
If only if only you could grasp me.
I miss and will miss you for eternity.
Summers end you might return. Can I have you? Please.
Love always, victoria
Sunday, November 22, 2009
DEAR GRANDMA
Hey, I miss you. I wished for you on your birthday. I'm writing to you for clarity. I wish you were here. I need someone to talk to...
Grams, I need advice. I love T T.
But I found the most amazing man. He is a dork. He is a good man. And I can love him. I knew that from the moment I met him. Hell I acted it. When Brit drew on his face with eyeliner, I naturally nuturingly wiped it off, he let me.
He makes me think he is weird sometimes, I'm being honest. But I look past it. Everyones got there faults. He is now my boyfriend. He is sweet, caring, responsive, loving, and has ASSets lol he fills out his pants lol I wish you were here in front of me so I could talk to you about him.
There is one problem. I have faults too. And I could see him falling in love with me, and I had a thought after seeing T tonight. That while I love R I stupidly love T. Fuck.
I am going to push that aside cause while I want T its stupid, cause I want R to, but in a loving soft way.
Like I feel he is one of those good guys I stayed away from as to not hurt them. Cause I didn't think I deserved someone to treat me good. I love R. I've only known him for almost 1 month, my time flys. I want to tell him I love him at times.
So I wanted to know, my inner conflict is to bail and save him from too much pain for hopes that T will catch me. I can see Robert now and be content. And loving, and loved. And I know my Choice. As I type you. I know I'm going to choose R and hope I can be worthy of him. But still I think stupidly T is my soulmate. I'm a moron, you know what R would say, "No, your not." Smile.
I love him. I want to tell him. Why do I fall so fast. Damn sleeves. R I love you. Easy as that. Gosh. I am so confuddled.
So here is my life with R, boyfriend, girlfriend. Tenderly loving, pleased, pleasing, carressing, intimate mentally, caring, devoted, loyal, compassion, sincere heart. Husband, wife. Well lived life ful-filled.
Life with T, somehow Epic. I don't know. Mystery.
Stuper, psuedo-love. Tempting, its mystery.
Goddamn.
Robert, I made a promise to you when I said we were BF/GF. I said exclusive. Noone else. And you said fine you have held true. I have too physically, but till now not my mind. I'm sorry. My mind is yours truly, we will run our course. For good. You. Me. You & Me. I love you Robert, you Dork. Shit,
thoughts ablaze, I need your warmth on my skin, need your breath on my neck, need your hand in mine, I'm so cold, and you're always so warm. I need you to come here, and ask me what I'm thinking; You.
So dear Grandma, thank you for reading. And your suddle trinkleings of wisdom. Words can't explain.
Grandma, I love you. I miss you.
Maybe someday we will be strong enough for me to show you this R.
Grams, I need advice. I love T T.
But I found the most amazing man. He is a dork. He is a good man. And I can love him. I knew that from the moment I met him. Hell I acted it. When Brit drew on his face with eyeliner, I naturally nuturingly wiped it off, he let me.
He makes me think he is weird sometimes, I'm being honest. But I look past it. Everyones got there faults. He is now my boyfriend. He is sweet, caring, responsive, loving, and has ASSets lol he fills out his pants lol I wish you were here in front of me so I could talk to you about him.
There is one problem. I have faults too. And I could see him falling in love with me, and I had a thought after seeing T tonight. That while I love R I stupidly love T. Fuck.
I am going to push that aside cause while I want T its stupid, cause I want R to, but in a loving soft way.
Like I feel he is one of those good guys I stayed away from as to not hurt them. Cause I didn't think I deserved someone to treat me good. I love R. I've only known him for almost 1 month, my time flys. I want to tell him I love him at times.
So I wanted to know, my inner conflict is to bail and save him from too much pain for hopes that T will catch me. I can see Robert now and be content. And loving, and loved. And I know my Choice. As I type you. I know I'm going to choose R and hope I can be worthy of him. But still I think stupidly T is my soulmate. I'm a moron, you know what R would say, "No, your not." Smile.
I love him. I want to tell him. Why do I fall so fast. Damn sleeves. R I love you. Easy as that. Gosh. I am so confuddled.
So here is my life with R, boyfriend, girlfriend. Tenderly loving, pleased, pleasing, carressing, intimate mentally, caring, devoted, loyal, compassion, sincere heart. Husband, wife. Well lived life ful-filled.
Life with T, somehow Epic. I don't know. Mystery.
Stuper, psuedo-love. Tempting, its mystery.
Goddamn.
Robert, I made a promise to you when I said we were BF/GF. I said exclusive. Noone else. And you said fine you have held true. I have too physically, but till now not my mind. I'm sorry. My mind is yours truly, we will run our course. For good. You. Me. You & Me. I love you Robert, you Dork. Shit,
thoughts ablaze, I need your warmth on my skin, need your breath on my neck, need your hand in mine, I'm so cold, and you're always so warm. I need you to come here, and ask me what I'm thinking; You.
So dear Grandma, thank you for reading. And your suddle trinkleings of wisdom. Words can't explain.
Grandma, I love you. I miss you.
Maybe someday we will be strong enough for me to show you this R.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
people deserved
See, outside of home people see, and accept my flaws, they are imperfections that reflect my soul.
So when I see others imperfections and faulters, I look past them. They deserve an undying chance to prove themselves wrong and do something right, to the way they have to live and survive.
Pobody's Nerfect! And so Nobody's Perfect!
(saw that on a sign of a church, ironic huh for some1 who doesn't believe church is right)
So I say to all those who don't think they are worth a damn, I did at one point, you are no matter what people say.
See I have huge flaws and yet as long as I 'doll up, and smoothed out, while highly guarded' the world will only skim the surface...
So when I see others imperfections and faulters, I look past them. They deserve an undying chance to prove themselves wrong and do something right, to the way they have to live and survive.
Pobody's Nerfect! And so Nobody's Perfect!
(saw that on a sign of a church, ironic huh for some1 who doesn't believe church is right)
So I say to all those who don't think they are worth a damn, I did at one point, you are no matter what people say.
See I have huge flaws and yet as long as I 'doll up, and smoothed out, while highly guarded' the world will only skim the surface...
loves intamacy
I'm so sad! I love Rv, stupidly though he only uses me for sex. I fret he may have given me something, but I also have my period so I'm uncertain. He says he hasn't been with anyone since me. And I am honestly believing him, though he keeps asking me if I've been with anyone, maybe he just knows me.
I have three other guys I'm interested in.
G, my hopeful future. All we do is hangout like friends, he pays I pay even though he doesn't want me to and then I pay again...lol
R, my navy man, harry potter if you will an epic nerd. He is who I make dinner for and cuddle and spend my nights relaxing with. We haven't given title to us. He is so sweet, has constant bad breath, and is always there.
Then there is T <3 my what if. He, when I see him my heart soars does flips and scales mountains while skipping its beats. And I don't know why. He is the only guy that happens around, and we were unrequited loves at one point but now we are just friends. So I'm not sure even where my life is going now....I'm so confuddled and I told him and yet he said he doesn't deserve that. That he is no one special. Dare I know that if I can be such a faultered person and people still accept me miraculously why can't I him?
I want T, I moronically love Rv, I see a future with G, and R is just here. What do I do?
I have three other guys I'm interested in.
G, my hopeful future. All we do is hangout like friends, he pays I pay even though he doesn't want me to and then I pay again...lol
R, my navy man, harry potter if you will an epic nerd. He is who I make dinner for and cuddle and spend my nights relaxing with. We haven't given title to us. He is so sweet, has constant bad breath, and is always there.
Then there is T <3 my what if. He, when I see him my heart soars does flips and scales mountains while skipping its beats. And I don't know why. He is the only guy that happens around, and we were unrequited loves at one point but now we are just friends. So I'm not sure even where my life is going now....I'm so confuddled and I told him and yet he said he doesn't deserve that. That he is no one special. Dare I know that if I can be such a faultered person and people still accept me miraculously why can't I him?
I want T, I moronically love Rv, I see a future with G, and R is just here. What do I do?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So! So! So!
I write here for my clarity, if I state some vulgarity that might make your bones quiver and your stomach nausious dare not continue to read. Not for the faint of heart or faint of peversity, though its natural and not perverse some may incinuate that it is.
This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.
Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.
He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.
I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol
He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.
He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.
In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.
In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL
Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?
I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'
I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'
He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'
I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'
He said 'Sorry, bout...'
Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.
I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'
He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'
I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'
I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'
I said 'Mmmmm'
Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.
I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.
I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.
Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.
Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....
This is just basically where I throw my thoughts to ease my mind into a state of re-read clarity.
Bomb-drop!
~~~~~~~~~~
So tonight I had sex with Chris Glenn aka Chris. I went over his place and he asked if I would be sleeping over, I took my coat off, threw that on the table, placed my keys on top and grasped one last goodbye for the ciggerette my mouth and lungs were craving in my coat pocket. I would smoke it later, the anticipation! Camel crushes regular, mmmm. I took my shoes off, saw that he was finishing a beer, said wow, that's a lot of beers.
He said hmmm some are from yesterday, not all are from tonight.
I said cool
Then I headed off to his bedroom, I started derobing. Sexy like lol. He walked in and stated he was going to get a sexy peepshow.. he headed to his bathroom where he pissed (the beer). I finished getting naked and had my underwear half off, when I thought to myself hold on, wait I have my period. Undies stay on. So they did, for a while. I kissed him, he was into it kind of. I then made my way to his 'below the belt' and started to pleasure him.
I do this for gain of experience and also for human connection, ease my way into being naked around guys...bluntly lol
He said he loves the way I do him, and wanted to know if I liked it. Mmmmhhmmm.
He said he wanted to to get inside me, and cum. So I said mmm, it sucks that I have my period, he didn't care, he wanted to. I suggested the shower.
In the shower, he peed! Had to add that if it is a true documentation then that is legible.
In the shower I had to get him hard again, the beer was fighting me, he had to get himself just so. As I bit his neck and licked his ear, he wouldn't kiss me, I realized that some guys won't after your mouth touches their down below. But it was probably cause I had vomitted a little when he tried to fuck my head. I USED MOUTHWASH AFTER!!!! LOL
Anyway ass up head down I felt him cum, and though it was good I didn't cum. I asked if he had soap I had to rinse off, and he was like yeah hold on, I thought he was gonna come back with some man shit and he came back with some girly unopened bottle. Hhhmmm?
I want to know his story but I don't want to get attached, I would but he said no relationships.....so I won't do that to myself. After I rinsed off I went into his room and started redressing myself, he came back in and was like 'So you crashing here?'
I said 'Normally I would but I have tomorrow off and I need a me do me day, Ya know?'
He said 'yeah, I gotch you, did you feel me cum? Did you get off?'
I said 'Cool. Yes, for both. And No, I didn't.'
He said 'Sorry, bout...'
Before he could finish I said, 'Dont worry about it, I'm good.' Knowing its so hard to get me off unless there is a close connection to my partner.
I broke the ice and changed subject, 'your dogs are mad chill....'
He got down on the floor started playing with them and said 'yeah we have a good coexistance, they fill a void for me, and I love them and care for them and give them treats'
I said 'Yeah that used to be like Glacier and I, but now its Charlie. He does that for me as I do for him.'
I walked out to the living room grasped my keys and my coat, threw my shoes on and said ' I'm ready, I'm good'
And he watched me shove my foot into my right shoe, I stood there for a second, and he said 'so you're not staying...'
I said 'Mmmmm'
Craving the ciggerrette I powered my feet to the door and unlocked it, he was right on my heals, and I turned and he said sweet dreams.
I said, 'you as well...' and looked into his eyes for the first time truly seeing them. They are beautiful, the prettiest green with hints of amber around the center, I want to call them "youthful magician eyes" they look clever yet a hint of goofy and a twinge of sly. A good, yet scary combinatation. I have this cautious feeling when I'm with him sometimes, like a copecetic better to go with the flow vibe. Strange I know, I don't even know why I started with him but I did, and so I will follow through. Human connection drive, damn me lol.
I wanted to stay and cuddle but I needed a do me day, a day just for me.
Cuddle Fuck Chris! Goddamn, I want to smell him.....weird I know.
Anyway when I re-read this later hope I laugh with hindsight....
Sunday, October 25, 2009
infatuation
To divert my mind off of what I want I was told to grow an infatuation. So here it is, instead of throwing someone into my mind I am throwing my mind into excersize and reading twilight. I am also not going to flake on my goal. I am going to join the navy in 2010 on my 20th birthday, I know that if I do, I will be a lifer. 20+ years. I don't know how my life will turn out but I don't want to be a fluff.
Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed
Anyway every person has told me all the knowledge I need, now I just got to buckle down and apply myself. I will plan for mistakes prepare for the worst calculate the mishaps and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Gentleman, Gentleman Gentleman please lend me your ear!
So I just had an arrogant (to some) cocky (to most) yet honest (to all) epiphany!
See you know those stories, the ones your mom tells you about girls. The warnings about some girls, well men your in for a treat, because hell if I was to stupid to realize it till now,
I am the perfect woman.
I am the one in story after story of warnings.
I'm the one mom says watch out for.
Why you ask?
I'm adaptable.
I'm enthusiastic.
I'm a nympho.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a lover.
I'm a mind fucker.
I'm innocent.
I'm cunning.
I'm everyones sweetheart.
How you say?
I learn you, I read you like a book and I take chalk to board and scribble notes.
Set out my tactics and reel you in.
I don't do this to just anyone, you have to be a real man,
Honest to painful truth;
You have to be broken.
You have to be stressed.
You have to be animalistic.
You have to be hopelessly glimmering.
You have to be deprived.
You have to be in need or have a void.
Why?
I like interesting projects, things that are inticate, always alluring, and yet graspably out of grasp.
I am that transitional girl the one that appears and disappears when she so chooseths.
I meld into your life so fine when I'm there that you find yourself getting all too kosher, too safe around me. And while there is no risk but your heart, itsz a pretty steep one at that.
I enjoy watching your quirks, I'm intranced by your scent and all the while me just being here drives you crazy.
Gentleman #1
For you I am your liason. An escort, in your car. A long time practice fuck. You stare at me with deep meaning and scorn me with your words.
Gentleman #2
For you I lay back, and enjoy the scene. I am the reaction to your action. I am your late night mistress. And yet you show a slight concern, 'wait Ill drive you home' don't go nowhere.' Or 'how are you getting to work?'
Gentleman #3
I am your future everything you hold dear and hope for that's me. I am the long term kind. The till death unwedded girl. I am the possibility.
So I sit here with all my adaptions and think why can't I find a permanent place. Some call it home, others call it your arms. I dream vaguely of you. I hold you to hope. But to dare touch a candle of reality to me would be toxic.
For I am what you want me to be. A blank canvas.
I will be your everything. Just because I wish to know you. If I'm interested you're lost.
So when you hear that story think twice and act seductive to get you're way. I am a doll like I've been saying. Wind me up. Dolls suck ass.
See you know those stories, the ones your mom tells you about girls. The warnings about some girls, well men your in for a treat, because hell if I was to stupid to realize it till now,
I am the perfect woman.
I am the one in story after story of warnings.
I'm the one mom says watch out for.
Why you ask?
I'm adaptable.
I'm enthusiastic.
I'm a nympho.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a lover.
I'm a mind fucker.
I'm innocent.
I'm cunning.
I'm everyones sweetheart.
How you say?
I learn you, I read you like a book and I take chalk to board and scribble notes.
Set out my tactics and reel you in.
I don't do this to just anyone, you have to be a real man,
Honest to painful truth;
You have to be broken.
You have to be stressed.
You have to be animalistic.
You have to be hopelessly glimmering.
You have to be deprived.
You have to be in need or have a void.
Why?
I like interesting projects, things that are inticate, always alluring, and yet graspably out of grasp.
I am that transitional girl the one that appears and disappears when she so chooseths.
I meld into your life so fine when I'm there that you find yourself getting all too kosher, too safe around me. And while there is no risk but your heart, itsz a pretty steep one at that.
I enjoy watching your quirks, I'm intranced by your scent and all the while me just being here drives you crazy.
Gentleman #1
For you I am your liason. An escort, in your car. A long time practice fuck. You stare at me with deep meaning and scorn me with your words.
Gentleman #2
For you I lay back, and enjoy the scene. I am the reaction to your action. I am your late night mistress. And yet you show a slight concern, 'wait Ill drive you home' don't go nowhere.' Or 'how are you getting to work?'
Gentleman #3
I am your future everything you hold dear and hope for that's me. I am the long term kind. The till death unwedded girl. I am the possibility.
So I sit here with all my adaptions and think why can't I find a permanent place. Some call it home, others call it your arms. I dream vaguely of you. I hold you to hope. But to dare touch a candle of reality to me would be toxic.
For I am what you want me to be. A blank canvas.
I will be your everything. Just because I wish to know you. If I'm interested you're lost.
So when you hear that story think twice and act seductive to get you're way. I am a doll like I've been saying. Wind me up. Dolls suck ass.
Friday, October 23, 2009
lessons gained and lives changed
In my epic quest to match someones soul I found my soul in the sanctity of a friend, I found that love can be plutonic in a friend and that if it is meaningful stupid shit doesn't matter. She is a best friend that my be a twin sister split at birth. I know that it may seem weird but fuck it! 'Family' gets on your nerves and you still love 'em. 'Sisters' are just the same, see I smoke weed with her in all honesty and so we talked about the guys that we are endlessly scorned by eand yet like they are our liqiud 'coke'. I can't help that I fell in in what feels like love with a dog that promised himself to another girl, and has me on the side. He told me today, after I basically said it that he is 'Washingtons' boyfriend when she is home and my fuck buddy and friend (if you could call it that) when she is in DC at college. Fuck if it hurts. Fuck if it feels good. Shit I say, her drug is a man that is engaged, only difference is she knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't know my lsworn bestfriend' had a girlfriend. I don't want to be that girl in love with that guy who is sworn to his beloved but I let my guards down and trusted the wrong smooth operater. I just want someone so in writing this I was inkling a thought on the gravel outside the bar that I frequent Friday nights and so I will take one last time, steal it from him and not give it back, sorrows goodbye. I don't say goodbye but to him I will. My one goodbye. I can't say that I won't trust to love again for it would be a falasy but to my sorrow I know that there will be another someday just not soon. So here I sit learned that I love my friends they teach me the world over to love and that's all I can ask for. Love lost, love held love tomorrow love today live forever and eternity. I will enjoy life and friends.
So to learn to relax and love is what I have. So I sit here at the bar, with friends, no guy to hold and I am content, hurt soul deep but thabnkful to have loved and learned. Shit! :)(:
So to learn to relax and love is what I have. So I sit here at the bar, with friends, no guy to hold and I am content, hurt soul deep but thabnkful to have loved and learned. Shit! :)(:
Sunday, October 18, 2009
message to the world about my sad predicament
So I was faced with a self inflicted ultimatum, one oi so obnoixiously thought would work on the only man who ever had enough balls to get close enough and stay close only to be able to win the ability to crush me and bring me down to tears and a puddle in 2 seconds if he so chooses. I told him I wanted him, all of him, that I was being selfish and there were to be no other girls for him or guys for me. And that I wanted to be his girl his only girl. And he said if I knew him at all that wouldn't matter. What I was saying because he was already mine. But I was oblivious stupid and am retarded so as to differentiate between him just fucking me to get off or if that 3 hrs is for me. I love him and I don't think I'm confusing it with sex because I can get sex anywhere but I can't get another Revald.
So I proclaim that I am a moron and others that think they know my situation are either completely right and I'm a dolt or completely wrong and I'm a dolt. I tried to be strong and do what my bro and sis said but I couldn't I was to weak, I needed Rev and if the only way I could get him was to submit myself to 3 or more hr love making then so be it. I am a weak person!
It sucks cause although I hope he is just saying that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because I am a moron that he wants to teach a lesson or because he is too busy working 45-50 hrs a week plus full time college, to have to worry about a girlfriend. But at the end of the day I reduce myself to worrying that he values me more then a fuck, for when I need someone to save me he is always there.... but everyone else tells me and looks on me like I'm a slut, and though conciously I hope I'm not I agree with everyone.
I just can't lose him and so to demean myself by getting what little part of himself he can afford to me I am satiated for the time being.. it doesn't mean that I am happy but when I am with him, I just think, me and him time stops and I am very happy in a silent content kind of way.
I just kinda know I might be getting played, maybe if I let my brain wander into not thinking the best optimistically about a person, but that saying 'better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all' is now my heartstrings motto. I am in a catch 22, a player being played and I just have to sit in the doldrums of time and wait.
But while I wait I ask, why does love have to be made so complex that it hurts and yet is great at the same time? Answer me stupid!
Signing off,
Twisted sad lover of loves
So I proclaim that I am a moron and others that think they know my situation are either completely right and I'm a dolt or completely wrong and I'm a dolt. I tried to be strong and do what my bro and sis said but I couldn't I was to weak, I needed Rev and if the only way I could get him was to submit myself to 3 or more hr love making then so be it. I am a weak person!
It sucks cause although I hope he is just saying that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because I am a moron that he wants to teach a lesson or because he is too busy working 45-50 hrs a week plus full time college, to have to worry about a girlfriend. But at the end of the day I reduce myself to worrying that he values me more then a fuck, for when I need someone to save me he is always there.... but everyone else tells me and looks on me like I'm a slut, and though conciously I hope I'm not I agree with everyone.
I just can't lose him and so to demean myself by getting what little part of himself he can afford to me I am satiated for the time being.. it doesn't mean that I am happy but when I am with him, I just think, me and him time stops and I am very happy in a silent content kind of way.
I just kinda know I might be getting played, maybe if I let my brain wander into not thinking the best optimistically about a person, but that saying 'better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all' is now my heartstrings motto. I am in a catch 22, a player being played and I just have to sit in the doldrums of time and wait.
But while I wait I ask, why does love have to be made so complex that it hurts and yet is great at the same time? Answer me stupid!
Signing off,
Twisted sad lover of loves
Monday, October 12, 2009
Cannabis
First time is a tripp. If done right feels really good. Second time is awkward. Third time is funny and I'm hungry. Fourth time I'm at work waiting for Cay. Make joking promises about luis ha! Fifth day straight daze, worry. Rev grounds me. Rain and lightning, car and static. My past two weeks have gone by in a speedy race, I only have one thing that grounded me, and it was Rev. He saved me from a weed, ever slowly trickleing into my head, hurts to pull it out, headaches. But I want to be sober to experience life. So no more mary for me only occasionally and not for another good while.
God I'm so anxious, you know that feeling you get on xmas morning as a young kid with presents all wrapped before your eyes? Well Rev is doing that to me right now he is a present and I don't know if I get him, I sure hope I get another chance.
Revald and Tori, has a ring to it, kinda.
VictoRiA
ReVAld
VVRRAA
Idk what that spells. But I am so obbessed with learning the answer to the epic question that I have blundered over it. I am oblivious!! Owh my head.
RECOVERY PROCESS HURTS MY HEAD!! RAWR!!!!!!
I'M GOING TO SLEEP!
God I'm so anxious, you know that feeling you get on xmas morning as a young kid with presents all wrapped before your eyes? Well Rev is doing that to me right now he is a present and I don't know if I get him, I sure hope I get another chance.
Revald and Tori, has a ring to it, kinda.
VictoRiA
ReVAld
VVRRAA
Idk what that spells. But I am so obbessed with learning the answer to the epic question that I have blundered over it. I am oblivious!! Owh my head.
RECOVERY PROCESS HURTS MY HEAD!! RAWR!!!!!!
I'M GOING TO SLEEP!
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